The Wedding
by Kizmet The Khaleesi
Summary: Bella gets to experience the perfect wedding with the perfect groom and theres only one hitch, she isn't the bride. The best man makes the day memorable but is it enough? M for lemons. Bella and Edward. who else I will update summary as story progresses.
1. Chapter 1

The Wedding

Chapter 1 Prologue

The Happiest Day Of Your Life

BPOV

Its clear how that saying started, the day of the wedding is the beginning, so it is the day you look back on all your life as the day everything solidified and got real and began.

Finally two are one, legally, officially, really.

Nobody can pull you apart, you have another half, a second person who means as much as you do, your other half.

The one who completes you, fills in the blanks, supports you, understands you, protects you, loves you.

The entire world changes. before, you were you and he was him and now, you two are one. Now, nobody invites one of you and not the other. You are a couple, a pair, one entity.

Your names are linked together, if someone thinks of you, they think of him too.

Then there's the wedding itself.

The flowers, adorning the church, making up the bouquet, pinned in buttonholes for the men, arranged artfully in the hair of the women, smelling divine and making a fragrant memory so whenever you encounter those blooms, they bring back this day.

And the guests. Your family, his family, your mutual friends, his friends, your friends. The few obligatory guests it would have been rude to not invite but mainly, they are the people you want there, to witness your union, to celebrate with you this day of days.

And the bridesmaids, the besties, the girls who are always there for you, the girls who have your back, who pulled you out of dance clubs when you drank a little too much and danced a little too close to that guy who really only looked good under the influence of too much tequila.

The girls who let you cry on their shoulders when that guy you adored and thought you loved, let you down and cheated and broke your heart. The girls who took you out even when you wanted to curl up and die and cry yourself to oblivion. No, you are coming with us. There is a whole world out there, plenty of men. The girls who you told when you met him. The one. The one who held your heart in his hand, whether he meant to or not, whether he even realized.

The music, the wedding march, the long aisle that leads the bride to the eager, waiting groom who cant wait to make promises and to love and honor and in sickness and in health, to love and cherish forever. The kiss, the applause, the tears, the happiness, the confetti falling like snow.

The reception, the food, the speeches, you remember it all forever, it was all part of the day. The happiest day of your life.

Then there are the gifts. The little things bought with love, the big, showy gifts that prove I have plenty of money and am a success so I can buy the best gift, the toasters and the years ahead it will take to use all eight of them. The sheets, that make you smile as you think of the bed they will adorn. The photo frames with your names and the date engraved. Like you need a reminder of this day.

The dress. The most perfect dress you will ever wear yet you will only wear it once and love it all the more for that very reason. The shoes that are the perfect match for the dress. You almost gave up looking and settled for near enough, then you saw them and knew. These are the ones. These will make the day even more perfect.

The make up, the hair, a little formal, but still loose and pretty and framing your face.

Then its time.

The father, proud and happy and smug. He made this perfect girl who grew into this perfect bride. He holds his arm out and the bride hangs on and does the walk down the aisle and waiting for her,the groom, his face turned towards her, his eyes shining with joy and love and devotion, he watches and waits and smiles and everyone knows, its over, its just begun.

And the minister drones and they answer and they are announced, husband and wife.

And the groom is so stunning it makes your heart ache and turn over in your chest and you smile and its beautiful and all you ever dreamed and imagined. Then you realize, your dress is not white, hers is. She got him, you didn't. You are merely the bridesmaid and he is the groom and your heart is on the floor and he steps on it as he leaves the church but he doesn't see it lying there because his eyes are filled with her. he only sees her. Maybe he only ever saw her and you were just fooling yourself.

And you keep up the charade that you are not dead, you are happy, happy for them, yes, they do make a lovely couple, perfect? Oh yes, perfect for each other, who could not agree? Its obvious, isn't it?

My turn? Me next? I don't think that's possible.

Because he is taken. He is gone now.

All I am is an empty shell.

Who would ever want an empty shell?

He didn't even want me when I was a whole, complete person, who laughed and tried to win his heart and thought, really thought, for a while, he was falling. He did fall, but she caught him, not me.

I am a fantastic best friend. they both tell me. Told me many times.

What would they have done without Bella? Gosh, the wedding wouldn't have happened without Bella.

She was such a help, such an angel.

We owe her.

The only payment I want goes to her.

Wave goodbye, the honeymoon beckons. She kisses you and thanks you again and says see you soon, when we get back.

Then your heart stops and you are in his arms for just a minute but its the longest minute ever and you can feel his heartbeat, even though its beating for her, its you feeling it, so you pretend its for you. And he kisses your cheek and you know you will treasure that kiss forever and he thanks you but already, his eyes are gone, searching for her and his smile isn't really for you, because he is looking at her as he smiles at you.

And its over and done and they leave and you stay and its finished.

Happiest day of your life.

So, it only gets worse from this day forward.

The best man loosens his tie and puts his arm around you and leads you back inside and puts a drink in your hand and you drink and feel a little better.

So you hold out the glass and he fills it again and he is talking in his velvety voice and the drink makes you mellow and you laugh when you really want to cry and you drink more and it hurts less and then its dark and there are lips on yours, insistent, and you think, why the hell not?

There's nothing in this world left for me now, so a bit of comfort, being offered by the pretty man with the copper hair and emerald eyes, and the bottle in his hand that keeps filling your glass, and you know how this night is going to end and you know you will let it he asks permission and you tell him yes and its fine and there have been many before him, even if its a lie.

Maybe its not right and these are the wrong arms and the wrong lips but his belong to her now so you settle and you let these lips explore your body and kiss you in places you had saved for another but it is all for nothing so this one may as well have them.

And he pushes inside you and you feel the barrier break and the blood seeps and the pain is welcome because it over rules the pain in your heart for a few minutes then he is pounding in and out and thrusting and waking up parts you didn't know you had and you think maybe today is not a complete waste and he makes your body respond even though you forbid it to and you shake and come around him and the waves crash as the tsunami hits and washes you away with it and you are helpless to stop and you just go and float and don't care if you drown.

And he falls beside you and he sleeps and you lay there in the wrong arms and you cry silent tears and the world somehow keeps turning.

**Please review. One shot? Need more? Just a vague idea that came to me in my delirium. Cheers,Lynzi**


	2. Chapter 2

**For all you impatient ones, heres a few answers. Please review if reading so I know if its worth continuing or if it should go.**

The Wedding

Chapter 2

Viva Las Vegas

BPOV

Gah! My head. Someone please remove my head because the pain is killing me and making me want to die and god, I need a bathroom...

My stomach finally seems to be empty but my head is throbbing and echoing and I want to die. We should have some self destruct button situated somewhere that when life gets too painful, we can just push the button and end up in obscurity, no, oblivion.

I search my mind, trying to figure where the button is located.

What the hell happened last night? I can remember the wedding, every painful, cruel second of the wedding, but then its all blank.

I look around this bathroom and its shabby and kind of cheap and tawdry and nothing like the upmarket hotel we are all staying at for the wedding so where the hell am I?

A snore alerts me that I am not alone and I freeze, standing naked in a tawdry bathroom, and I glance down as something red catches my eye.

Holy Mother of God. I see my twenty one years of virginity are now behind me.

My inner thighs are caked with dry blood and the pain in my ladies parts alerts me it wasn't a soft and pretty surrender. Feels more like a hard fucking. Wonderful, Bella, maybe it is better you don't remember your deflowering in that case.

I turn on the shower and hope the noise wakes whoever is in that bed out there so he goes, runs, gets the hell out of Dodge.

Or Las Vegas, anyway.

Trust Jasper and Alice to get married in Las Vegas yet have the full church wedding and formal reception, in the city you can do it in a drive through window.

Just thinking of Jasper makes my heart ache.

Until he actually married Alice, I had held out the hope he would realize it was me he wanted all along and I even fanticised he would see her walking down the aisle and see me and say "Stop. This is the wrong bride. Alice, change dresses with Bella, its her I love." and the wedding would go on and Alice would be the forlorn, forgotten bridesmaid, waving us off on our honeymoon and Jasper and I would be too in love to spare her a thought.

Didn't quite go down like that.

I washed my hair and through the soap bubbles I can almost imagine the gold wedding band on my left hand. What the fuck! I rinse the bubbles away and there is a gold band.

My mind races. Did Jasper marry me? Was the whole wedding a nightmare where I imagined he married Alice?.

Despite the shampoo in my hair, I jump out of the shower and race back to tne bedroom. The left hand of the man in the bed sports a shiny new gold band as well.

His head is hidden under a pillow but already I know its not Jasper. His body is wrong, too hard, too muscular, Jasper never works out but he has big biceps and this guy is merely toned in the arms.

I rip the covers off and stare at the entire body. His legs are too long to be Jasper so I can definately let go of that fantasy. Feet are big. Nice ass. I almost want to feel it but I resist and keep looking. Broad shoulders. Good. Long fingers and they seem familiar so I imagine I have been up close and personal with those fingers.

I want to roll him over and look at the front view.

I must know him, we are pretending to be married, for Gods sake, though why, I can't imagine. Its not like this type of place wouldn't be full of "Mr and Mrs Smith"s, you don't need to buy rings and pretend you are married these days. Nobody cares who is fucking who.

This looks like the type of motel you could book in as "Mr Smith and goat" and they wouldn't raise an eyebrow.

I have to look. I pull the pillow away and he groans and the shock of wild, untamed copper tinged hair lays in a mess on top of his head.

Oh fuck. I spent the night with Edward Fucking Cullen.

Another notch for his bedpost...if there is any bedpost left, it probably collapsed from all the freaking notches.

I promised myself I would never be desperate enough to ever be seduced by Edward Cullen and here I am, oh lucky me.

I wonder if I put the pillow back then sit on it, if he will just slip away in his sleep because better that than have to face him.

That smirk, that panty dropper smile, it had all been nothing to me because my heart was always full of Jasper so his stupid techniques never worked on me and it irritated the hell out of him that I was immune. He chased me all through high school and college. He did manage to pause and bag most of the girls in school along the way but he never gave up on getting me into his bed and now the bastard has won.

Unless...

Unless he is too drunk to remember and I get the hell out of here now.

I sneak back into the bathroom and rinse off my hair as quickly and quietly as possible, throw on the stupid bridesmaid dress, and shoes, grab my bra and toss it in my handbag, look for my panties,,,darn, they are half under him and there's no way I can ease them out, every time I try he groans and rolls a little.

The last thing I need is for him to wake up so he can keep the panties, maybe they will suit him, all pink floral with lace and bows. Big girls panties and Cullen is a big girl. I am sure he cant find out whose they are as I am not in the habit of showing my panties to anyone and Alice bought these for me anyway so even if he hires a private detective, there is no record of me going into La Perla and buying them. They were simply one of the many pairs Alice purchased for her wedding party and honeymoon. She even bought Rose, and all of her other bridesmaids, the same pairs so with luck, Cullen will think he bagged Rose. I would love to hear him boast about that and have his brother punch his head in for it.

I caught a passing cab and got back to the hotel and dropped my eyes to the floor as I did the walk of shame across the marble lobby into the chrome and glass elevator and up to the room I share with Rose.

Of course, there's an Emmett in her bed, as I knew there would be but as luck would have it, her floral panties are on the sitting room floor so I grab them and toss them in with my dirty laundry. Aha, now I have proof positive he wasn't with me.

I throw them in the washer/dryer with the clothes I wore the last two days since we arrived, and set the machine going.

I jump in the shower and marvel at what a few million extra spent on a building means when it comes to showers. This one has about eight shower heads and there is room in here for six small or four large adults. The shower in the motel was a single fixed nozzle affair that trickled a luke warm stream of water down when it felt like it. This one gushes out an ocean worth every minute and drenches me and washes away my sins.

I rewash my hair and luxuriate in the water , noticing a sting on my lower back, and leave reluctantly as I go to establish my alibi for last night.

The ring! It has to go. I tug and pull and the bastard is stuck, firm.

I glance in the mirror and what the fuck, now? I have a piece of paper of some sort taped on my lower back and its stinging in pain.

I watch in the mirror and peel it away and am faced with a motherfucking tramp stamp!

Jesus, what was I drinking last night? A tattoo?

I would never get a tattoo.

Tattoo's are trashy and bold and all the things that I am not.

Though scratch the trashy, I am trashy now. Nobody but trash ends up in Cullens bed so by that measurement alone, I am now trash.

I try to read the ornate printing. DRAWDE

DRAWDE?

What the fuck does that mean?

Rose steps into the bathroom and laughs at me.

"Bella, should I even ask why you have 'Edward' tattooed on your back?"

No FUCKING way!

I cringe in embarrassment and can't even think up a lie.

"Rose, I may have drunk a little too much last night after the wedding. I have no memory of what I did but I did wake up in ...uh..a bed..with..someone"

Rose uses the toilet openly in front of me, like I even care, she could have her way with Emmett in front of me at the moment and I wouldn't notice.

"And let me guess, his name was Ed...Holy Mother of God! Not Edward Edward! Not Edward Motherfucker Cullen! Tell me its not Edward Cullen?Bella, tell me its some dirty, drug addicted crack addict hobo named Edward, please."

"God, Rose, if I could swap my night with Cullen for one with a dirty crack addict hobo, I would do so in an instant. Believe me."

"I do, baby, I do" she sympathizes and holds me in her arms.

"Does anyone know?"

"I don't even know if he knows. I was pretty drunk until I threw up for half an hour, I suspect he is trashed too. Maybe he will forget? Maybe he never knew who I was? Maybe he just saw a pussy and went for it and never looked at my face" I plead hopefully.

"What's going on ladies?" says Emmett, approaching the door. I grab a towel and cover up.

"Is this like some lesbian thing and can I watch?"

"Emmett, right now you had best back off and shut up, for your own good." warns Rose.

"Go downstairss and save us three seats for breakfast. Bella had a bad night and spent it on the floor in here asleep and she just woke up feeling rough."

"Bella spent the night in here? On the floor? While we..."

"Relax, Emmett. I was out cold. I didn't hear a thing." I assure him.

I thank Rose for the alibi because Emmett is the perfect confidant. He will now tell everyone how I got plastered and spent the night hugging the porcelain and sleeping on his bathroom floor and he will repeat this story for weeks so there will be no room for doubt, whoever spent the night with Edward Cullen, it wasn't me. Because Emmett will elaborate and probably say he checked on me every hour or some shit, just to make himself sound good, and nobody will doubt him.

I explain to Rose about the panties and she tells me to wear hers under a short skirt and make sure Edward sees them, and she will happen to mention all six bridesmaids got the same panties and he will assume he was with one of the others.

I dress in a short, pleated skirt and blue blouse and black flats and Rose dries and straightens my hair for me and I put on a little make up because my face is dead white and so pale. I will never drink again. Never. I mean it.

We go downstairs and join Emmett at the all you can eat buffet. I think Emmett has eaten all their profit for the previous month.

As we finish and are sitting talking, a rough looking Edward walks in the door, shirt hanging out, face pale with purple bags under his eyes. He sees us and approaches Emmett.

"Shit man, shit looks better than you do, I was going to say you look like shit but that would be an insult to shit."Emmett chortles.

"Thanks. I have no idea what the fuck happened last night. I need to talk to you."

He notices me and his eyebrows rise and he looks confused.

"Bella?"

"Good morning, Edward. Did you have a good night? You and half the female population, by the look of you" I chirp innocently.

"I thought...you..did you..did I..?"

"Did you what, bro? Did you do Bella? Fraid not, Bella spent the night keeping Rosie and I awake as she paid tribute to the porcelain god in our bathroom. The only company Bella had was Thomas Crapper."

I pretend to be embarrassed but nod to agree.

"Drank a little too much, paid the price" I murmur."Never drinking again."

"Geez, I fucking agree. The night Edward Cullen wakes up alone, having had the best sex of his life but not remembering who with, with a fucking tattoo on his chest, and a fucking wedding ring on his left hand, that has to be God's way of telling me not to drink. I think everyone will agree with me? And a bill. Apparently I fucking got married last night and my wedding certificate will be mailed to me in two weeks time. So, congratulate me kids, I am a married man. God knows who I married. Probably the fucking maid."

I try to breathe and Rose shoots me a warning glare.

"What's the tattoo say, Edward? Maybe you got her name?"Emmett suggests.

"I thought of that. Unless her name is Eternal Love, then, no, not her name."

"Sounds like a stripper or a hooker.'Hi there, I am Eternal Love, for just $200 an hour I am your eternal love'."

"Great, thanks, Emmett. Its just getting better and better. Its probably some woman who needs a green card and has a dozen kids. I will be up for child support and harboring a fugitive or some shit. Defrauding the government, marrying an alien. I am fucked."

Why does it suddenly seem like fucking Edward Cullen was not such a disaster? Compared to marrying the prick?

Rose gives me the signal and I bend to fix my shoe and she casually flips my skirt up over my bum and exposes my floral panties for all to see.

"Geez, Bella, you lazy cow. You still have yesterdays wedding panties on. I don't think Alice expected us to wear them forever when she bought identical pairs for each bridesmaid. Mine didn't last five minutes last night, Emmett ripped them to shreds so now there are only four other pairs in existance. Alice had them specially made, you know."

She flips my skirt back down and I stand up, shoe fixed and calmly finish my coffee as a confused Edward fingers his pocket that bulges with hidden contraband.

He leaves and Rose hurries me to the shop to get some ointment to rub on my tattoo and tells me about after care. She has done the aftercare on Emmett's many tatts so she knows the ropes. I get out my wallet to pay and there in my handbag is a tube of ointment and a printed sheet of instructions.

I buy the ointment anyway and go back to my room and Rose rubs the cream on my reddened skin.

What am I to do now? Other than hide my back for the rest of my life and hope nobody ever walks in on me in the shower and now I can never have sex again as I imagine most guys wont be impressed seeing Edward Cullen's name branding me his whore.

I came here a virgin, I thought my hardest lesson was watching Jasper get married, instead I have hardly given him a thought, all I can think of is how many ways I have been fucked in the last 24 hours.

Edward's POV

Alcohol is not my friend.

I have had that lesson twice before and ignored it so I guess Lesson Three was bound to be bigger, tougher, worse than Lessons One and Two.

First time I got drunk, I was at a party and I spent the night avoiding the hands of Tanya Denali. We were in Senior Year at High School and I was congratulating myself on avoiding her talons all high school. She had tracked me relentlessly, determined I was going to fuck her and I was equally determined not to. Then Emmett and Jasper opened a bottle or two of various spirits and the SoCo did me in,the Grand Old drink of the South claimed another victim.

I woke up in Tanya's bed, with a victorious Tanya crowing about how I even fucked well while blathered. I am grateful that at least I have no memory of that fuck as if I did remember, I would probably have turned celibate.

I stayed off the alcohol other than Lite beer for two years after that.

Then came that night in college were we played a little drinking game and I was so sure I could win. The winner got first choice of the girls playing, and he also got to choose who one other player of his choice had to sleep with. I was all for the power of winning and finally getting Jasper to bed Alice, as we had spent years seeing them flirt and kiss and avoid a proper relationship so I saw my chance to make them sleep together and get it on a proper footing. Unfortunately, the guy who actually won hated me with a passion and he chose that I had to bed "Jess-Laur" which was our nickname for the two skankiest girls in college, Jessica and Lauren. They worked as a double act, and took many a newbie to paradise and back but I had escaped their clutches. History repeated itself and I woke up with two skanks in my bed this time, both gushing about how even a drunken Edward Cullen was better at fucking than most guys here were sober.

I really didn't want that story getting around but it did, of course.

Now alcohol has once again screwed me.

Yesterday I watched first hand while Bella Swan broke a little more as the day went on and she had to witness Jasper marry my sister. Bella has been in love with Jasper forever and its been plain to see for all of us, except Jasper, who only sees Alice. I am sure even Alice knew, but what could she do? Bella was never obvious, and she would not dream of trying anything. Jasper and Alice had first met in High School and I guess Bella felt she had first claim as she knew him for years before that and she was just waiting her chance then Alice breezed in and all hope was gone. She kept quiet, but she still looked at him with pure adoration. It irked the hell out of me. He is just Jasper. he is okay, but he is nothing special. Yet the two women who are important to me both love him. My sister, and her love is at least returned, and Bella Swan, the one who got away.

I chased her all through High School and believe it or not, I tried to save myself for her. I wanted her to be my first and me hers. I tried to date her but she laughed in my face when I invited her out. She cut me down at every opportunity. I had girls clamoring to go out with me and she, the one I wanted, spurned me time and time again. Grad, prom, every dance. And to make it worse, she went to all of those dances alone. Like, it was better to be alone than to be seen with me. She cut me to the quick.

Then the Tanya thing happened and I gave up. I never stopped wanting her but I no longer felt worthy of pursuing her, having been bedded by Tanya. I could no longer offer her my virginity, even though she never wanted it, so I let myself go a little wild and built up my failing ego by allowing some of those eager girls to have their way with me, proving I was desirable and worthwhile. She didn't care. It just made her hate me more and she took to calling me Edward Fucking Cullen, even in front of teachers.

After getting detention a few times for language, she shortened it to Edward F Cullen , so new kids were surprised at my formal title, but she would gladly explain. "Edward is a whore so his parents changed his middle name to Fucking."

Such a bitch.

And so perfect in every other way. She is beautiful, that goes without saying, she is so sweet to everyone else, she is the best friend any girl can have, ask Alice. Or Rose. they would probably die for her, as she would to save them. She sat back and didn't speak of her true feelings all those years Alice and Jasper danced around each other and then finally got together.

And how many women would be the bridesmaid in those circumstances? Yet there she was, standing up for Alice. She organized most of the wedding, she made sure the day ran smoothly and she broke down when they left so I dragged her off for some drinks then a night on the town and then it gets fuzzy.

If I were questioned in court, I would testify Bella and I spent the night together. I know I fucked someone in that grotty motel room. And I fear it was a virgin, by the blood evidence. In my head, it was Bella I was with, but thats nothing new. Every girl I ever fucked was Bella in my head. I always shut my eyes and pictured her as I fucked them from the back so I didn't have to see their faces. I mainly managed to not cry out her name as I came but it had happened. Never went over well.

Emmett says she went back to the Hotel and spent the night with them, sick. I can believe the sick part, she drank as much as I did and she is way tinier. But then I found the panties and was thinking they would be a clue and now Rose says all the bridesmaids have a pair and Bella has hers still and Rose...well. lets just say, no amount of alcohol in any frozen hell could get me to fuck Rose.

So,that leaves four bridesmaids left to check on. I hardly remember them. A skinny one named Jane, some cousin of Emmett's. No way. Bloody teenage friend, Bree, just a kid. No way in hell.

So, two down, two to go.

I can't believe I let Bella go home alone. It shows how much I had drunk.I am glad I didn't fuck her though because if I ever get the chance to sleep with her, it will be making love, not fucking. And I will remember every second. And I feel partcularly ill that I took a virgin so I am relieved that wasn't Bella. Nobody should lose thier v card in a drunken fuck with a man so gone he can't remember who you are.

I know it happened to some poor girl and believe me, I regret it. But it is a comfort to me that it wasn't Bella. I suspect she is still a virgin, she never looked at anyone other than Jasper. And he certainly would not fuck her, no matter what. He and Alice are one timers, only ever fucked each other and they plan to keep it that way until the day they die.

I envy them that but its way too late for me.

And even if I sort out who that girl was last night, what do I do? Apologize? Sorry I took your virginity? Sorry I didn't even know who I was with.

Oh well, in two weeks time I get to find out who I married. What was I thinking? If Bella asked me to marry her, I would in a heartbeat. But some stranger? Clearly I need help and I need to stop drinking and clean up my life and before its too late. Which it may be already. I didn't find any condoms in that room or bathroom. I always toss them in the waste paper basket and take them with me so some poor cleaner doesn't have to clean up after my sex life. And there was not a single condom in that bin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay this is short but its for Jennifer to see what she comes up with next! I am loving the reviews, people. Keep them coming!**

The Wedding

Chapter 3

Consequences

EDWARD'S POV

The moment of truth. I hold the envelope with the Las Vegas postal stamp on it and try to remember to keep breathing. I suspect the name of the woman I married two weeks ago won't mean anything to me, I may not have even asked her what her name was, I have no recollection of her or the so called wedding. But I need the name to pass on to the family attorney so this mistake can be rectified and put firmly in the past. Carlisle, my father, was furious when I explained how my drinking and stupidity had gone a little further than usual while I was in Las Vegas and he has lectured me more in the past two weeks than in my entire life beforehand and I don't blame him.

I am a fuck up and things had to change so now I am attending therapy twice a week and abstaining from sex and alcohol, seeing those two things have led to my epic downfall.

I spent the day after that night hanging with the four bridesmaids, trying to pick up if any of them had any vibe towards me, but nothing. I asked them all what they did the night before and all told me the same story. They were together, they dared each other to try and pick up one of the bellboys. They were in a room together, they stole a little alcohol and Jane got a little ill and kissed some bellboy, and Bree's parents caught them and took her to their suite and the other three crashed in the room they were in and it was a short night. So, where the fuck did those panties come from? Not Bella, not Rose (Thank God) and yet Alice had them made to her specifications so they arent a random pair of panties.

How did some girl get a hold of a pair of bridesmaid panties? Why would she?

Were they planted on me to distract me from knowing who I was with?

I feel a little ill and I know I am procrastinating here so I man up and slide a finger under the seal and open the envelope.

Edward Anthony Masen Cullen blah blah Isabella Marie Swan!

No way.

This cannot be right.

How could someone give Bella's name, they would need her id, they would have to look enough like the photo on her licence, there's no way they could pull this off.

Unless it was Bella.

I have to consider the impossible.

I have to talk to Emmett. His story about Bella being sick all night has expanded and has so many new details each time he tells it, I am starting to wonder if it was all a lie.

I find him sitting beside his jeep as Rose lies under it, tuning something up for him.

"Emmett, the truth. I have to know. Was Bella in your bathroom that night? The night of the wedding. Did YOU see her? With your own eyes?"

"Course she was, she was so sick,man, she was blowing chunks all night long."

"And you saw this?"

"Well, no, I heard this. I wouldn't go in a bathroom where some girl was upchucking. Gross."

"But you heard her?"

"Well, I saw her in the morning and she looked rough, man. She looked like you looked. man, she was pale. Like, I know she is white and all but she was like, see through. She was bad."

"So, the facts are, you didn't see her all night and you didn't hear her all night?"

"Okay, I didn't see her or hear her but I know she was there."

"Because..."

"Because Rose told me."

"Rose" I ask.

"Shit, Edward, leave me out of this. Way to keep your mouth shut, Emmett. That is going to cost you."

"Aw Rosie, come on."

"No, Emmett. I am Bella's friend and she asked one little favor and you can't manage to keep your trap shut for her."

"But Edward.."

"Yeah well if Edward had kept his dick in his pants, Bella wouldn't have needed an alibi. Your precious Edward banged her and took her virginity, Emmett. You know how Bella has always been. Never catting around. Always keeping herself for her husband. And your brother the motherfucker whore that he is, took her virginity and didn't even fucking remember."

I can't speak.

I would remember if it were Bella.

God, I wanted her for so freaking long.

If I got to sleep with her, surely, surely I would remember.

I forget to breathe and Emmett catches me as I start to pass out.

"Whoa, bro. Just a mistake. You can fix this."

"Shit, Emmett. I don't think I can. I don't think this is fixable."

Bad enough she has always hated me but I took her virginity while blathered and didn't remember. No way can she forgive that.

I have to see her. She hasn't been around here since we all got back, and I just assumed she was avoiding hearing about the calls from Alice and Jasper from their honeymoon.

Shit.

We have to go back to college next week, she will be there in NY with us as always, and I will have to face her and beg her forgiveness, though I don't deserve it.

And shit, I am married to her!

Its like a fucking dream come true in the middle of a fucking nightmare.

Had I known, one day I would be married to Bella Swan, I would have celebrated day and night.

Had I known how this would come about, shit.

Death is looking attractive.

I need her to sign papers and to agree to not claim any of my trust fund and other assets as Aro

puts it.

I don't care if she does. She can have everything. I would pay for forgiveness. I just want her to not hate me any more.

I have never known why she hates me but its just gotten worse and worse over time. I cannot remember what I ever did to make her feel this way. I kind of fell in love with her on sight. That first day in High School as a freshman, my eyes saw her and my heart flipped and I was gone from that day onwards. I never made any progress with her, and she rejected me over and over and I kept going back so she could kick me some more but it was better than indifference. It was passion, even if the wrong type of passion.

I don't know what to do.

BELLA'S POV

The moment of truth. I sigh and try to force my eyes to look at the stick. I know its positive. I don't need a test to tell me the 'travel sickness' that turned into 'flu' that turned into 'food poisoning' is really all one thing. Morning sickness.

The one thing I never feared was getting pregnant before I was safely married because I knew me. I knew I was not that girl who gets carried away, and accidentally ends up in some man's bed. I would never do that. If I ever got to the point in a relationship of wanting to sleep with the guy, I would be at the doctor three weeks beforehand, just to be sure, getting an implant or an IUD or a prescription. I would never act impulsively because thats not me.

How did this happen?

Edward Cullen.

The man who ruined my life.

I guess when you think about it, it was always going to end this way. The first day I met him in High School, when he accidentally brushed against me and the sparks flew between us, I knew what he was.

Danger.

The first time he looked in my eyes, all thoughts of Jasper vanished and I had to stop myself pulling off my panties and laying on the schoolground waiting for him.

He had that affect on me, like I was not me any more. Like he was in charge of my body and I had no say.

Every time he asked me out, my traitor body tried to say "yes" and wanted to start to strip naked and I was just a kid back then! I didn't even have lustful thoughts of Jasper. It was all pure love and crush and everything sweet and pure. But that Edward, he made me feel older and reckless and wanton.

I laughed at him because if I ever went on one of his dates, I would jump his bones in the car with his parents driving in the front seat.

Then we got older and he had his own car and I knew, I would know his backseat intimately if I ever got in that car.

He is the only person to ever have this effect on me and when he started sleeping around, I was furious. Furious he hadn't waited for me. Furious he found sex with other girls acceptable.

I never wanted any other boy.

My heart wanted Jasper but always in a pure way. I never had dreams about Jasper and I naked and on the grass outdoors, under the sun, fucking each others brains out. No, they have always been my Edward dreams.

Then they became as impossible as my Jasper dreams. He slept around, he went off proudly to other girls beds, I seethed and spat and hated him.

Jasper never loved me, Edward never waited for me.

I am sure my infatuation with Jasper went on far longer than it would have if I hadn't needed him to keep me away from Edward. He was my only defense. If I loved Jasper, I would prove that love my staying out of Edward's bed.

If I let that love die, what would hold me back?

Clearly nothing because the very day Jasper got married, I ended up in bed with Edward.

It was inevitable but that doesn't mean I liked it.

I guess I will never get anything I want out of life.

But I will get a copper haired green eyed monster baby.

And that just can't happen.

I don't know what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

The Wedding

Chapter 4

What To Do

BELLA's POV

My whole life plan shriveled and died as I looked at the smiley face mocking me on that stick. Laughing at me as my world crumbled. No more college, no degree, no dream career. Small town girl lives small town life. I get stuck for eternity in Forks, bringing shame on my dad who will never get to hold his head up high again and boast about how his daughter is the first member of the family to go to college. And God knows, we skimped and scraped and saved every penny to get me there. I worked after school, weekends, holidays, at the diner and at Newtons Outfitters. I babysat, I cleaned, I did anything that would bring in another dollar and my dad worked extra shifts for years so the dream could turn into a reality.

There will be no second chance for me. I will be stuck living with my dad, Charlie, Chief of Police, forever, pushing my pram to nowhere, walking the streets of Forks with my illegitimate child. And don't tell me these things don't matter now days because they matter to me and to Charlie. He has always been so proud of me. He has always trusted me gave me the 'sex talk' every year once I started High School and each year it got a little easier and more detailed and I almost gave him a B+ for the final talk before I left for college.

We both knew I wasn't going to come crawling home on my knees, pregnant and without a man. That would never happen.

Only it has and I can't stand the idea of telling him and admitting I am that girl after all.

I have to ring my mom. Renee may not have thought enough of Charlie and I to hang around and keep our little family together but maybe she can give me some insight on what to do next.

"Hi Mom"

"Bella! Finally. How was the wedding? Was Alice gorgeous? Did Jasper carry her down the aisle afterwards? That boy loves her so much. I wish we could have come but Phil had the try outs the next day and it was just too tight a fit and Phil is doing great. He might have a spot on the team next season if he keeps up his batting rate."

"The wedding was great. Alice was adorable, Jasper was Jasper, perfect, um, I went to an after party type thing though and there's a problem."

"What problem? Is some boy giving you a hard time? Remember what I told you, play hard to get. Never give it up until there's a ring on your finger. Boys are blind and after one thing so make sure you get something in return."

Okay, well I have the ring already.

"I think I may be pregnant, mom."

"No, Bella, no, not you. No."

"Yes, mom."

"Do you know who to? Were you drunk? You don't even have a boyfriend, how could this happen?"

"I know who to. Yes, I was very drunk. No, I don't have a boyfriend. I don't know what to do."

"Have you told Charlie? I suspect you haven't because he would have you packed and on your way to Jacksonville rather than have the town gossip about you and your mistake."

"No, I haven't told Charlie. Maybe that would be for the best, Mom. Can I come to Jacksonville? Can I just disappear and never come back to Forks?"

"Well, normally I would love you to come live with us but we are about to go on the road and Phil has such an opportunity in front of him but it will mean we have to travel every week. I just can't see how it would work, sweetie."

"Okay, that's fine. I will think of something."

"Poor Charlie. This will destroy him. He has always seen you as the shining example of how a girl should behave. He will have such a hard time coping with this, Bella. Why didn't you think of him? You can be a selfish girl."

"Yes, mom. I am selfish and I am sorry and I won't let daddy down. I have to go."

"Well, keep in touch, sweetie and try not to be too hard on your dad. He will be in shock and very depressed over this...situation. Really, Bella, I expected better from you."

She expected better, he expected better, hell, I expected better.

I hung up and went and sat in my rusty old red truck and tried to think of a solution where nobody got hurt and nobody was ashamed to be my parent.

I started the engine and found myself driving to La Push beach. Jake would understand. Jake has been my best friend forever. He loves me. He will know what to do.

I park and his smiling face appears at the window of the house he shares with his dad, Billy and next thing, he is beside me and pulling me from the truck.

"Bells, baby, how are you? How was the wedding? Big and pretentious with gold plates and goblets? Did the Cullens push the boat out and put on a good show?"

"The wedding was fine, great.I have to talk to you about something."

"Sure. Whats happened?"

"I went to a little after party and ended up, well. Shit. I am pregnant."

"Bella? You are pregnant? Who the hell to? I didn't know you were dating anyone."

"Yeah, that's the thing. It was a drunken mistake and now I have to face the consequences."

"Shit. Who is he? I will go pay him a little visit and have him on his knees begging you to marry him by tonight."

"Great, Jake. I always wanted some man forced to marry me."

"Tell me his name, Bella? Not Mike Newton? That rat has been trying to get you for years. Don't tell me you let your guard down around him".

"Ew, no, not Mike. Um, don't yell. Edward Cullen."

Jake went gray and silent and stepped back away from me and the look in his eyes said it all. Mike Newton? Bad enough. A random stranger? Worse. Edward Cullen? Worst of all, by a long shot. Jake has never been able to stand Edward. He sees him as the typical rich, trust fund kid who acts irresponsibly because he can. Because he can throw money and solve his wrongdoings.

"No."

How much condemnation can there be in a single word?

How much disappointment, shame, agony?

It was like I slapped his face.

How many times had Jake asked me to date him? How many times had we joked about how I was waiting until he was the last man on earth, then we would amend it to, second last man because Edward Cullen would always be the last man.

This was a kick in the teeth for Jake in so many ways.

He knew I was a virgin.

He knew I hated Edward Cullen.

Jake knew I wavered on liking him as a friend and wanting to throw caution to the wind and just give in and date him. Our fathers would love it, the families would be joined in a most natural way, Billy and Charlie had been friends forever. But I never took that step, the step that would take Jake from best friend to boyfriend. It never felt quite right. I wanted to wait until I was sure there was something real between us so it wouldn't end in a fail and be there spoiling what we had. And now that step would never be taken.

"I have to go" I said, sparing Jake the need to speak.

He looked past me and nodded, unable to even say goodbye.

His eyes spoke of my betrayal of us and all we meant to each other.

Jake was never going to forgive me.

I know, had I said it was a random stranger, he would have married me himself.

But never, ever would he touch me now Edward Cullen had.

I got in the truck and started the engine, glad of its noise for once.

My eyes were blurry with tears and my heart was thumping out of my chest.

And there was still Charlie to go.

How was I going to face my dad?

If Jake hated me now, and dad did too, who would I have?

Even Mike newton would turn his back on me when he found out.

Cullen's used goods.

Cullen's rejects.

I drove until the tears blinded me then pulled over to the side of the road.

The cliffs sat beside me and I got out and sat with my legs dangling over the ledge to nowhere.

Far below, the surf raged and tossed itself onto the rocks and raced out again to the sea, in angry turmoil.

EDWARD'S POV

I rolled my eyes and pretended to listen as Alice described every place they had visited and everything they had seen and done and how Paris is the city of love and how they didn't want to ever leave.

"Sounds great. Have to go, sis. Have fun."

I finally hung up.

Honeymoons.

Another little thing to look forward to one day.

After the divorce.

Shit.

My sister gets married and I get married the same day and ruin the families memories of the day.

Always, Alice's anniversary will be also the day Edward fucked up big time.

My phone rings again

Alice.

I sigh and take a deep breath as I prepare to hear what she ate for breakfast as she actually forgot to tell me today.

"Yes?"

"Edward, this is bad, I am seeing Bella sitting on the cliffs at LaPush and I think she is going to jump. Do something. She wont answer her phone."

What?

I would argue but Alice has never been wrong with these visions of hers.

I jump in my car and speed through town and take the turn off too sharply and almost lose it.

The abomination of a truck is parked roughly, half on the road. I pull in behind it and look for her.

She is sitting on the very edge, huddled into a small, shaking ball of despair. I can feel the pain rolling off her.

What to do? If she hears me coming, she is likely to jump.

I pull my shoes off and toss them on the ground and walk silently until I am behind her then I sit so she is between my open legs and I close my arms around her shaking body and pull her in close. Her heart is racing and her whole body is vibrating as she cries hopelessly. Whatever has happened here is bad, very bad.

I have seen Bella snarky, sassy, mad as hell, happy, quiet, thoughtful, in love, in hate, but never in such deep despair.

My heart breaks a little and I wonder if my actions have brought her to this point.

"Bella" I whisper and kiss the top of her head.

She is crying out loud now, and her body is wracked with violent sobs.

She knows its me.

She hasn't pushed me away.

Its like she has given up.

It scares me more than when she yells at me.

"Bella, what's wrong? What's happened?" I ask quietly.

She leans back into me and just cries non stop so I just hold her and kiss her head and try to convey some of the love I have for her through to her broken heart.

Shit.

I wonder if she has told Jacob Black about me taking her virginity?

I know there's always been something between them. They appear to be best friends but Jake's eyes tell his every secret and he loves Bella. Like, loves her. Totally.

And he hates me. Its the thing they share in common.

I ease her body back away from the edge and pull her in close and wonder what the hell I can do for her.

This is all my fault.

The drinks, the night out, why didn't I just let her cry in her hotel room? Rose was there, she would have looked after her.

Why does everything I touch break and turn to shit?

I have ruined this girl, and its not going to be fixable.

I can feel that as I cling to her.

She doesn't even care that its me holding her. She is so far gone she is accepting comfort from the person she hates the most, the person who did this to her.

This is so wrong.

I turn as angry footsteps come towards us.

"Get your filthy hands off her, Cullen. Haven't you done enough?"

I know who it is, without looking.

Jacob Black.

The man who would love to kick my sorry ass off this cliff into the sea below.

He may still do that.

"I said, let her go. You have ruined her life, what's Charlie going to say when she tells him?"

"She doesn't have to tell him" I answer.

She is of age. Why should she tell Charlie what happened if she doesn't want to?

"Oh I think he will notice. Like when her belly gets so big she can't see her feet any more or when the kid is born, might be hard hiding that in her bedroom."

My vision blurs and my head sways and I forget to breath. God, no.

No.  
No.

I question if God exists because i thought the worst that could happen was me taking her virginity as I did.

But this eclipses that a million times.

God, I have truly destroyed her.


	5. Chapter 5

The Wedding

Chapter 5

Stepping Up

EDWARD'S POV

I wanted to do whatever I could for Bella so knowing she feared telling Charlie, that became my first obligation. I put her in my car and told Jacob I would get the truck later and he drove it to his house off the road. I pulled in at the Swan's residence and was pleased the police cruiser was there. No putting this off, just do it.

Charlie was surprised to see me with Bella but he invited me in and I asked for a word with him. We sat at their small dining table and I lay it all out on the line.

"Charlie, two weeks ago in Las Vegas, Bella and I had a little too much to drink. We got married at a drive through window and were too intoxicated to remember. I knew I married someone, just not who."

"Okay. You can have it annulled?"

"There's more. Bella and I spent the night together in a motel. I took her virginity."

I cringe and wait for the sound of gunfire.

"After you were married?"

"Well, yes." I hadn't looked at it that way before.

"So, as expected."

Okay.

"Bella just found out she is two weeks pregnant."

"As a result of that night, then."

"'It's the only night we have been together."

"Fine. So, you are bringing me up to speed. You and Bella are married and expecting a baby. Right."

How can all the wrongs fit together and sound so normal?

"Yes, but, Charlie, I took her virginity."

"Most husbands do, presuming they wait that long. Until after the wedding."

Why isn't he mad at me?

I am mad at me.

Bella is sitting there with her forehead frowning.

"Congratulations, Bells honey. Why didn't you tell me?"

he says to her.

"I don't know, dad. It sounds so ordinary, now. It seemed different at the time."

"So, where are you kids going to live? I presume you will finish college, still?"

I look at Bella.

"Yes, we will finish college still" she says.

Okay. Done.

"Are you staying for dinner, Edward? We can order in if you don't feel like cooking, Bella."

"It's fine, dad. I will cook."

"Right. I have a game I want to catch, if you two will excuse me. Bella, ring your mom. She should know she is going to be a granma". He laughs at the idea of that.

Bella stands and goes to the kitchen area and starts pulling out food and knives and a cutting board.

"Bella, are you okay?" I ask.

"Sure, Edward."

"So, you don't want a divorce? Or do you?"

"That would be a bit of a letdown don't you think? After you tell Charlie about the happy events. You can't just pull the rug out from under his feet."

"Fine. If you are happy, I am happy." I assure her.

"Oh I'm not happy. I'm glad things are not as bleak as I thought but it only looks good on paper, Edward. I don't love you, you don't love me. We are married and expecting a legitimate baby and that's important to Charlie. You saved the day. But if you are happy being married to a woman who doesn't love you, that you don't love, fine. Whatever."

"I do love you, Bella. I have loved you for years."

"And that would be why you took all those other girls to your bed. Because you love me?"

"In a way. You rejected me so many times. I figured there was no hope for us at all."

"There isn't. We have to be the married couple until the kid is born then we can figure out what to do next. But this is not happy ever after."

"It could be, if you let it be."

"Edward, don't be ridiculous. I love Jasper Whitlock."

"Who is married to my sister and will never love you." I remind her.

"Yeah, well you are married to me and I will never love you" she retorts.

I step back away from her and sit back at the table and cradle the bottle of water I took from her fridge in my hands and watch her preparing vegetables.

She grabs a chicken on a plate out of the fridge and places it in a baking tray and bastes it then puts it in the oven to cook.

"I have to ring Renee."

She picks up her cell phone and sits opposite me at the table.

"Hi Mom. Yes, I told him. Funny story actually."

"No, he is fine with it. I forgot to tell you one part. Edward and I got married that night. Yes, that night. The night I conceived."

"Oh I am glad that makes all the difference, mother. Now you can forget the shame and humiliation."

"Sorry, yes, sarcasm is not attractive. No, we are not having a reception. Because I don't want to."

"Mom, settle for being happy I am safely married and not a source of embarrassment."

"Yes mother. Nice to talk to you too. I love you. Bye."

She hung up and smiled humorlessly.

"There. You just changed my mothers shame to pride. Her daughter is married to a rich guy. She can boast about it now. Not keep the baby a dirty little secret."

"Bella, can I repeat, I love you? I am proud to be married to you. Whatever the circumstances."

"Yeah, well don't get used to it. And relax, I don't want your money. Though you may have to pay child support until I graduate college and get a job. Might be a while."

"We will be living together. I can support you both."

"Living together?

"We are married. Until you insist on a divorce, we will be living together. That means, you will be moving off campus into my apartment. We should go back early and get that done before classes start. Maybe we should go tomorrow. Thats gives us five days."

"Just like that? I move in with you, who I hardly know."

"Yet are married to and pregnant to." I conclude.

After dinner, which found Charlie in high spirits and Bella positively annoyed at his attitude, I kissed her goodbye and said I would be back later to sleep in her bed. She is not keeping me away from her now. She is getting what she wants out of this agreement, I am sleeping in her bed. I would do anything to hold her in my arms so if I have to blackmail her into it, fine.

I walk into my parents house and they are all sitting at dinner still.

"I have an announcement to make. Well, two actually. The day Alice and Jasper got married, I married Bella Swan. She is two weeks pregnant. We are moving in together at college, as in, she will be moving into my apartment."

Carlisle looks shocked.

"So, Edward, we are not going ahead with what we discussed?"

"No, no divorce. Things are different now."

"Divorce? You just got married" says Esme.

"Misunderstanding, Mother. No divorce."

Not yet, anyway. I have about eight and a half months to convince Bella to stay with me.

"Edward."

"Rose"

"Edward. Bella is going to stay married to you?"

"She is. She can see its the best solution at the moment."

"I am surprised."

"I knew you would be."

"Hey, bro. Well done. She is hott."

"Thank you Emmett. Nice of you to notice."

"This is Bella we are talking about. She has been here a million times. She is Alice and Rose's best friend. Why wouldn't she want to stay married to Edward, Rose?"

"Gee. Esme. I don't know. They didn't even date. She is in lo.."

"Rose. Enough." I warn her."I have loved Bella for a long time. This will work."

I am going to make it work.

"Anyway, I am sleeping at the Chief's house tonight and we are going back to New York tomorrow"

"So are we, then" says Rose.

"Rosie, I want to be here when Alice and Jasper come back."

"Fine, Emmett. But I am going back with Bella. I want to hear from her own lips this is what she wants."

"I can bring her here in the morning. I want to take her back alone and have some time together before classes start." I tell her.

"Fine, Edward. But I don't believe a word of this until I hear it from Bella."

I love Rose. Bitch from Hell. She had better not start putting any ideas in Bella's head. I will bring her over but I won't be leaving her alone with Rose.

"We have to have lunch together, Edward. Invite Charlie. One pm tomorrow. You can go back the next day, what's the rush?' says Esme.

"Fine, Mother. Whatever you say."

I go upstairs and grab clean pajamas and my toothbrush and such and go back to Bella's.

Charlie shakes my hand and welcomes me into the family.

Bella is already in bed so I excuse myself and go upstairs. She is sitting on her bed, reading.

I start to undress and she looks shocked.

"Bella, seeing you are pregnant to me, I think we can assume we have seen each other naked."

"Fine" she says, laying her book aside , pushing her glasses further up her nose and watching me undress.

Damn.

I don't want to feel uncomfortable but her eyes are staring, assessing, judging every inch of me. I feel self conscious and wish I worked out more.

I turn my back to her when I remove my boxers and pull on my flannel pajama pants.

"Nice ass" she says and I laugh.

I sit back against the bedhead, relieved to see she is still in her day clothes.

"Your turn."

"What?"

"Your turn to get undressed, wife." I remind her.

"Fine. Whatever. Look but no touching" she warns.

I have already touched but God, I wish I remembered that.

She slowly strips off her jeans and tosses them on the floor, then undoes her hoodie and it joins the jeans. Then she erotically peels off her Tshirt and unhooks the back clip of her bra and tosses it over to me.

I catch it and keep watching. She slides the black lace panties to the floor, and turns so I can look from every angle.

Her "Edward" tramp stamp tattoo shocks me. I knew from the receipt I paid for two but now I wonder why she got Edward and I didn't get Bella?

"Female Caucasian, 21 years old, one owner,I would say one careful owner only he wasn't, hardly used, like what you see?" she challenges.

"Very much" I answer and shift uncomfortably as my erection threatens to take out my eye. Well, it feels hard and long enough to at the moment.

I unconsciously place my hand over it and slowly rub, without thinking.

"Can I help you with that?" she says in a husky tone.

Is she playing with me? I mean, I want her to play with me, I definitely want her to play with me, but this seems all too easy.

She walks to my side and climbs on the bed and straddles me. Her hand slides inside my pants and she grasps my erection and gasps.

"Okay. You would think I would remember more of this" she says as she pulls my pants down and stares at my dick.

I flinch under her gaze and wonder if she is impressed.

"Stand' she orders so I stand as she climbs off and releases me.

"Turn"

I turn slowly, naked and cold, and fully erect.

"Okay. What have we here, Male Causcasian, 21? Yeah? many owners.."

"No, only one owner. Just a few borrowers." I amend.

"How many borrowers, Edward?"

Tanya, Emily, Leah, Jess-Laur,Angela.

"Before you? Six."

"So, I am lucky seven?"

"Yes."

"Anyone number eight?"

"No, Bella. God."

"Sorry. just wondering."

"Like what you see?" I ask, taking her lead, throwing her words back at her.

"Yeah but depends what you can do with it" she adds.

"Let's see. It can get you pregnant first try" I say harsher than I should.

"Yeah but you weren't trying." she reminds me.

"Probably just as well or there would be twins in there" I answer.

"Edward! God, don't even joke about that."

"Sorry. I am sure theres only one in there" I say hopefully. Though God is having such fun playing me, I won't be surprised if its triplets.

"Okay, get into bed. Let's see what those six ladies taught you."

Shit. No pressure then.

I turn off the bedside lamp and roll the blankets right down so theres just the bottom sheet we are lying on, left on the bed.

Where to begin?

Its sort of our first time, so I want it to be good for her. It will be good for me, already a given.

I lie beside her and stroke down her arms and side of her torso with my hands and lean in to kiss her.

She seems surprised but I want it all. My lips graze hers gently and I deepen the kiss and when she responds, a little hesitantly at first, I ask for access with my tongue and she opens her lips slightly so I push in and stroke her tongue with mine.

I know she is inexperienced but she is a natural and she is stroking mine back, following my lead.

I wonder if I kissed her that night? I hope I did. I hope I didn't just plough inside and take what I wanted.

While she is concentrating on the kissing, I graze my hands gently over her breasts and her nipples harden and stand to attention. I rub them gently wondering if they are tender from the pregnancy hormones. No rough stuff.

When she breaks away for air, I slide down her body, kissing her as I go, nipples, bellybutton, mound, inner thingh.

She is rather stiff and tense so I rub her gently across her folds and tell her to just relax.

She opens her legs a little wider then blushes.

So beautiful.

I can't believe I am here, in her bed, playing with her body with her permission. Things looked so bleak this morning, now here we are.

Together.

I open her lower lips and look at her sex, warm and wet and waiting.

I lean in close and lick her from clit to sex, and she murmurs and opens her legs wider, making me smile. Oh, for someone so new to this, she is catching on fast.

I lick a figure eight, around the clit , around her entrance, up and back and she is starting to shake a little so I rub her thighs gently and flatten my tongue and go for the kill. She reacts more when I lick her clit, so thats where I will stay. I place one finger inside her and feel her tightness. How could I not remember being inside here? God truly hates me.

She is getting wetter and starting to writhe so I lick her harder then suck in her bundle of nerves and she moans out loud. Really loud. I am glad Charlie has the television on full volume.

She relaxes suddenly and I feel the tension mount inside her and across her belly and she comes in a spectacular wave of passion that catches me unprepared and I suck and lick and wish to God I had been inside her when that hit. My finger is being squeezed and released, over and over and she would have milked me dry.

She is gasping for air and pink all over.

Bingo.

I lay really still because she nearly took me over with her and my dick is twitching like crazy.

"Inside me. Get it inside me" she says and I comply. No more games, it seems.

I hover over here and gaze into her eyes as I push in slowly and carefully. It stung to hear her say I had not been careful with her before, but its true. I hope I didn't hurt her.

I slide in a little at a time as she adjusts to me, and finally we are flush against each other and she moves her pelvis a little so I withdraw slowly and push back in. She gasps each time I enter so I take things slow.

It sounds like a good gasp, like she just isn't used to being filled.

I circle her clit with my finger so she will get something out of this too.

Most girls seem to need a hand, need outside stimulation and unless she tells me otherwise, I will assume she does.

She rocks against me and we set a rhythm and she starts making this sound thats a cross between a moan and the sound a kitten makes. Its erotic and sweet at the same time and I go impossibly harder.

God, she will be the death of me.

I cannot live without this,now.

She moves and pushes back as I plunge in and she starts to close and shake and I know she is close so I start allowing myself to let go too.

I am proud I lasted this long because my heart is clapping away to finally be inside her. I have never had sex facing a girl before so its new for me too.

I keep looking in her big brown eyes and watching them change as she closes in and they shut as she jerks against me and comes around me.

"Open your eyes' I beg and she does. She looks back into my eyes and I hope she sees the love there. I come inside her and feel my juices leave me and go to her, to home.

I eventually still but the emotions are tearing at my heart.

God, if she loved me one tenth of how much I love her, this would be so amazing. I mean, its fantastic but I feel like saying "Once more with feeling" because I know its only physical for her and so much more for me.

Its a union of souls. Its a completion that has been a long time coming.

This is the woman I wanted from the start.

The one I tried six times to replace, find a substitute.

I kiss her again as I pull out of her and my body is ecstatic and spent. My heart is hopeful and unsatisfied but one step at a time.

I have to believe we will get there. I have to.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her so I am spooning her body and she fits perfectly inside my body.

She is perfect.

"Edward." she sighs.

"Yes, Bella."

"That was kind of perfect."

"Yes, Bella. It kind of was." I agree.

Almost.

She drifts off to sleep and I lay and watch her and feel her sweet breath on my arm. I kiss the top of her head and feel lucky to even be here. She may not love me but she is giving us a chance. I have to believe that.

I fall asleep and wake up feeling like a man in love.

Happy. At peace. Satisfied. Protective.

We will get there, Bella my love.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Lunch is a mixed affair. After last night, Bella is a lot nicer towards me and she stays by my side even when Rose tries to drag her away to interrogate her.

"I am married to Edward. I am moving in with him."

"But would you be doing this if you weren't pregnant? What if you were merely married? Would you be with him then?"

"Stop it, Rose' I warn."She is pregnant and she is with me so back off and give us a chance, for God's sake."

Emmett wants us to all go to a club tonight so we go back to Charlie's so Bella can rest in the afternoon.

She falls asleep in my arms and I just lay there while she sleeps, appreciating being this close.

She snuggles into me and I want to laugh as she tries in her sleep, to get closer. Her instincts take over and her body knows I will protect her.

"Edward" she sghs and I smile.

She is dreaming of me.

I hug her tighter.

Dream of me and fall in love, I beg her silently.

We meet Rose and Emmett at the club and I get drinks in. Coke for Bella and I, beer for Emmett, Bloody Mary for Rose. Suits her.

"What, bro? No beer?"

"Precious cargo" I say to him.

"But the precious cargo is in Bella."

"And she will be in my car later. No alcohol for the driver, ever."

My rule.

Emmett grumbles until I point out, he has a designated driver, he can drink all he wants so he attempts to. Rose is keeping pace at first then gives up when she starts to feel the effects.

"Goddam, I will never outdrink Monkeyman."

"Well, he weighs about ten times your weight, don't forget." I tell her.

I want to get on with Rose, now.

She is Bella's friend so its important.

Rose is pleased with my compliment about her weight so she smiles at me and isn't a total bitch.

Bella takes twice as many bathroom breaks as Rose and too late, I see one of my 'substitutes" follow her in.

Shit.

Bloody Emily.

I don't know whether to alert Rose or if that will make it worse. Emily had a thing for me in High School and we got together after Tanya , for a while. She was one of the ones who didn't appreciate my mantra as I came. She stayed around for a few months but she knew it was pointless. We both did. She was just a warm body on a cold night.

BELLA'S POV

My bladder seems to have shrunken to a size zero and its drink a Coke, have to pee. Drink half a Coke, have to pee. Drink a water, have to pee.

I am getting plenty of exercise walking to and from the Ladies room. Maybe that will keep me slim.

A pretty girl with long brown hair walks up to me when I walk out to wash my hands.

"You are with Edward Cullen?" she asks, obviously knowing the answer.

"Ah yes." I reply.

"Can I just warn you? If you haven't slept with him yet."

Oh dear. Where is this leading?

"Mmm?" I neither confirm or deny.

"When he, ah, orgasms, he calls out a name of this girl he has been in love with forever. Be prepared. I talked to Tanya and Leah and he did it with them, too."

"Oh" I say, unsure if I want to hear more.

"Bella" she says and for a minute, I think she somehow knows me.

"Bella, he says Bella. Every freaking time. Like he is with her and not you. And he only does it from behind. He wont want to see your face. He has to pretend its her. Probably couldn't get it up, otherwise."

I am shaken at this news. He said he had loved me for ages but men say things they think you want to hear. This is an independent witness.

"Sorry if I have put you off him but I wish someone had warned me. It really hurt my feelings. Split us up in the end. I don't even know a Bella. Do you?"

I shrug and smile and leave.

Shit.

I have to play nice.

It seems he has more invested here than I have.


	6. Chapter 6

The Wedding

Chapter 6

Girls Who Play With Matches.

EPOV

Bella was quiet after she came back from the bathroom and she seemed to be miles away, thinking deeply about something. I watched her face carefully, worried about what Emily may have said to her. Did she warn her off, tell her I was unable to emotionally connect with anyone, because that used to be true. Emily tried everything to make us work but my heart was simply not in it and even when I sat with her at school, my eyes followed Bella. Emily wasn't as stupid and self obsessed as Tanya so she noticed and spent time talking about how we were a couple and how I should learn to appreciate what I had and not be looking at other girls now I was 'taken."

Other girls.

Other girl.

I don't think Emily noticed it was always Bella I watched. When I felt her eyes on me, I would deliberately look at some other girl, hoping to throw her off track. Better she thought I was just a love rat than knew the truth.

The first time we had sex, I was an emotional mess. I had asked Bella to attend a dance with me and she had been particularly hurtful to me, laughing harshly in my face and saying weird, mixed up shit about whether my parents would enjoy watching and she abruptly turned and almost ran away from me.

I got the message but I didn't heed it. I knew I would try again. I would attend the dance and try to get Bella to dance one single dance with me.

I didn't want to take Emily with me but of course, she was my girlfriend and there was no way I could go if I didn't take her too, so we went together and I even danced a few times with her then I managed to blackmail Emmett into dancing with her for a while. I had walked in on him and Rose, both naked, on my parents bed, so I had the goods on him.

While he danced with Emily and Rose stared and glared, I found Bella and asked her to dance with me. She was distracted, watching Jasper as he talked to Alice, and she amazed me by agreeing and dragging me onto the dancefloor but once there, I realized she didn't even know it was me. I was just someone who was willing to get her closer to Jasper.

She headed us toward the spot where he and Alice were dancing, lost in each others arms, showing a rare public display of affection. It would be years before they properly got together.

Bella then started to talk and laugh with me and I caught on. Oh, I was being her stooge, her straight man. She was trying to distract Jasper and was using me. I felt a stab of pain and turned and walked off the floor and she barely noticed I had gone. Some guy had asked to dance with Alice and Jasper had reluctantly stepped aside and Bella was quick to grab him and pull him close to dance with her.

I had conveniently disappeared and she was ecstatic to be in his arms, no matter how briefly. I was nothing to her.

I walked back to where Emmett was scowling at me and I walked over and took Emily back and held on to her, needing her support to manage to stand and not fall to the floor and cry.

Emily was delighted Emmett had gone and was rubbing up close to me and it was nice to feel a warm body eager for me, not a cold, rejecting body that I had just danced with.

We left soon after and walked back to her house. Her parents were out so we were able to get into her bedroom unhindered and she lay on her bed and pulled me down with her.

I lay in her arms and was glad of the darkness as I felt the tears slip down my face.

"Edward, I love you so much. I want you to be my first."

I shook myself back to the present and tried to get Bella out of my head.

Emily was suddenly naked and touching me and I was touching her and I lay beside her again, having removed my own clothes. I spooned her and slipped inside her body from behind and as the waves of pleasure started, I imagined I was with Bella. She had given up on Jasper and was with me, in her bed. She loved me and I loved her. I pushed inside her and became her first and as we made love, she cried out my name, in a different voice to usual, but I cried her name back and she stilled and turned to me and I saw it wasn't Bella at all. It was Emily. I had just taken her virginity and pretended she was someone else.

She was hurt and I tried to assure her I was just calling out random words but I don't think she was truly taken in, even though she pretended to accept I was saying 'beautiful' in Italian, not the name Bella.

I guess she was as desperate to pretend as I was.

I stayed the whole night with her, for the first and last time. I needed to feel warm arms around my body and she needed the assurance I was happy to be with her, so we fed each others needs and lay entangled and the lie began.

I wished I loved her. I wished she could erase my pointless feelings for Bella. But she never did and in time, things got worse and I forgot to say "Emily" as I came and the name we both feared would echo around the room.

We both knew it was a silly, pointless charade and she dumped me, I allowed her that small favor, and she soon found another boy who liked her, Emily, for herself and I was happy for her.

What had she told Bella?

Something, thats for sure.

Bella was tried so we just slept when we finally got back to our place. She became the first girl to sleep in my bed, in my parents home.

I had always slept in the girls beds. I didn't want anyone else in my bed, in my room. It was my Bella place, where I dreamed of her and pretended she was here and I had a few stolen photos of her on my corkboard. I had found the girls making the yearbook, and went through their photos as they sorted which ones to use and which to discard. I managed to slip two photos in which Bella appeared into my pocket and took them out later in my room to examine and pine after.

Later when she and Alice became close friends, I stole photos Jasper had taken of the two girls and I told myself, I wanted the photos because my sister was in them. In truth, I barely glanced at Alice's image. To me, Bella alone graced each photo and I spent hours gazing at her and even talking to her in a way I never had the opportunity to at school.

Now and then Alice would invade my room and demand her snaps back but I would steal them again and then I got the idea...I took a whole roll of film of random Jasper photos, and I traded them one at a time with any photos Alice had of Bella.

It worked well. She wanted all the Jasper photos so suddenly she was snapping away at Bella at school, sometimes when Bella was completely unaware of what she was doing. So I ended up with some truly awesome photos and they were my true companions and naturally, they also became my showertime inspiration.

Better than nothing but far below the thrill of having the real girl in my bed. And now, tonight, I had just that.

She wandered around my room, idly looking and touching my things and too late, I saw the photos still pinned on my corkboard.

She merely let out a little gasp when she noticed them and turned to look at me, with a look I found hard to decipher. Not shock, not horror, more like confirmation.

"Come to bed, sweetheart" I suggested, and she stripped down to her underwear then took an old Tshirt of mine and pulled it over her head. It was so large on her little body, it covered more than a nightdress would anyway.

I loved seeing her in something of mine, something I had worn.

"I'm so tired" she mumbled so I settled for spooning against her back and just basking in her warmth and presence. One day I will make love to her in this bed but not tonight. She seems a little distant and seems to be coming to terms with some discovery so I just pray its a good discovery and lay with her, protecting her body from the world.

She falls asleep long before I do but its kind of fascinating, watching her sleep.

As she sinks further into slumber, she starts to mumble. I freeze as I catch the odd "Jasper', but I am rewarded when she finally sighs out an "Edward", following it up with a 'be careful."

I will be careful with you, my love. You can trust me.

BPOV

My sleep was troubled and I felt myself struggle and try to find comfort in the arms that surrounded me but my heart was waiting for tomorrow, when Jasper would return. I couldn't help it. He had been my sun and moon and source of joy for so many years now.

How did I end up here, married to Edward?

It was never something I had imagined could happen. I had hoped I would end up somehow, some way, with Jasper but if not, I knew Jake was always there in the background, waiting, watching, wanting me.

I kind of figured Jake could possibly be enough for me, if I tried really hard to accept Jasper would never love me or want me. But I knew, if anything happened to Alice, or if they simply split up, gave up on their inevitable marriage, I would desert Jake in a second to be there for Jasper. I would be the friend who provided the comforting shoulder for him to cry on. The friend who was willing to sit up all night and listen to him talking about her and what went wrong. The friend who he could always count on to drop everything whenever he needed me.

I knew that was grossly unfair on Jake but he knew how things were. He knew he would always be the consolation prize, that my heart was already taken, that Jasper had imprinted on my heart and nobody would be able to erase that inner tattoo and take his place.

And yet, here I lay. Married to Edward Cullen. I have to say, I never saw that coming. Not in a million years. I knew I would end up in his bed but surely as a brief visitor. As one of his random quick fucks. Not as his wife. Never as the mother of his child. It was ludicrous. It was ridiculous and it was wrong. Wrong arms, wrong lips, wrong heart. He could never replace Jasper.

The one advantage over Jake was, he was related by marriage to Jasper so it guaranteed we would see each other in some way or another, regularly. Much as it would hurt me to see Jasper in Alice's arms, up close as it were, it would give me a ringside seat to watch and wait for the deterioration of their wedded bliss.

Rose was rather hostile towards me at breakfast the next day. I don't think she agreed with what I was doing and she was the only one who knew my heart as well as I did. We sat and made small talk and she leaned in close when Edward briefly left the room.

"I don't like this, Bella. I have never liked Edward but this is cruel. You are using him as a link to Jasper. He is a person with feelings and he really does love you."

'I can't help that, Rose. I never encouraged him, admit that. He is the one who chose to marry me, knowing I love Jasper. I never asked him to. I wouldn't do that but he has married me and he is determined I stay with him, even knowing my heart is Jasper's, so what can I do?"

"The honorable thing. Leave him."

I was surprised at her change in attitude. She had always been on my side. No matter what I did or what happened, I had always had Rose in my corner and now it seemed she was deserting me.

I soon forgot her words when we heard Alice's unmistakable squeal as Jasper carried her over the threshold and stood before me, perfect and beautiful as ever. My Jasper was back. My heart beat faster and my eyes shone with joy and love and I didn't even pretend he loved me back. It was different now. She won round one. Now I had to sit back and prepare to win round two. There would be cracks, there are always little niggles and worries as two people adjust to a new life, even if it is one they chose and wanted.

I wished they shared Edward's apartment back at college. Maybe I could manipulate a way for us four to get a place all together so I could be there on the front line, watching and waiting. It would happen.

I would leave Edward as soon as Jasper showed any interest in being with me. I would free myself to be with him, once Alice was gone and we were free to love each other as we should.

I would leave this unwanted child behind, too. Jasper and I would have a child of our own and Edward could keep his own unplanned offspring.

What do they call it? Collateral damage?

That's all this man and this coming child meant to me.

They were merely obstacles in my way.

I would chase and take happiness when it came my way so these two would have to make a life of their own. I could never love Edward Cullen and I am sure I will never love any child of his. I don't want to destroy either of them, I am not heartless. I just have no need for them in my life.

Jasper finally approached me and congratulated me on my surprise marriage and pregnancy. I ignored why he was kissing me on my cheek and just reveled in the fact he was. His lips filled me with a new round of energy and determination.

One day he will be kissing more than my cheek and things will be as they always should have been. I breathed in his unique scent and stayed as close to him as I could, loving to have him back. The days he had been gone had dragged on so slowly but Jasper was back. I had sunlight and warmth in my world again.

EPOV

Watching Bella as she watched Jasper, my heart contracted in pain as I realized, for her, nothing had changed. Our marriage, Jasper's marriage, were simply pieces of paper, barriers to be overcome. She looked so alive and radiant as he kissed her cheek.

She would never be like that around me.

I was just one of the kinks in the path to her road to true happiness.

I briefly considered backing out right there and then and asking Carlisle to recommence with the divorce. Just turn my back on her and forget this ever happened. I was no masochist.

I didn't enjoy pain and jealousy. I could transfer to college in Alaska, get far away, never see any of them again.

Even as I had these thoughts, I knew I wouldn't act on them. She would always have me in whatever way she wanted me. All of me, part of me, none of me at all. She held all the power.

My child was the only reason she hadn't insisted on the instant divorce. Her need to be a good daughter for Charlie, a good daughter who was married and having a child within that marriage.

I couldn't kid myself, she would discard me and leave me facedown in the dust and step over my prostrate body to run to Jasper, if he ever wanted her.

I had to build a wall of self preservation around my heart if I was to survive being with her until my child was born.

I then had a second rvelation. She would not even want our child if that day came.

I had better start preparing myself for a life of loneliness and single fatherhood, because Bella was never going to offer me any more than that.

**Anyone still reading this, please leave a review so I can judge whether to continue with it or not. Sorry for neglecting it for so long. I hope to write a chapter each week for each story from now on and not get hooked on one in particular at the expense of the others. Cheers, Lynzi**


	7. Chapter 7

Wed7

**A/N. My characters are often OOC because otherwise, we could all just keep rereading the Twilight Saga. Cheers , Lynzi...my hubby bought me The Haunted Airman (the first thing I saw RPatz in, back in 2006..I slept thru HP.) dvd yesterday. You keep reviewing so I know you are out there, I keep writing.**

The Wedding

Chapter 7

Back in The Day.

EPOV

I need to get Bella back to NY and get her moved into my apartment and I want to leave today. If she thinks about it too much longer, she will decide against moving in and that would truly be the end of everything. At least when she lives in the same apartment as me, there's a chance she will get to know me as a real contender. Not that it looks likely.

I sit inside the library my father loves so much and watch Bella out the window as she sits watching Jasper.

Alice is truly a woman in love and Jasper mirrors her every move and emotion. I know it must be hurting Bella to have to watch them interact as Jasper anticipates Alice's every want and need before she even knows what she wants herself so he is creating an atmosphere of absolutely unselfish caring and Alice is basking in it.

To me, its a live display of what I know Bella and I could also have but may never experience in reality. She is completely dismissive of the idea that could be us. Instead, her eyes are watching and calculating and waiting for signs all is not rosy in the garden.

Rose puzzles me. She has always treated me with contempt and now I see so much in her eyes. She is fully aware of the situation even if she doesn't verbalize it. The way she looks at me has changed and now I see pity and frustration in her soul and I don't want that. I created this mess. I have to sort it.

My vision of Bella was always a little different to the reality of the girl. I always assumed once she knew me, she would recognize she loved me too so its a hard lesson. It seems the more she knows me, the less she likes me. The little progress we had made slipped away as soon as Jasper reappeared on the scene. Now she barely acknowledges me and when we do talk, his name manages to come into every conversation. I don't think she even realizes how obvious her obsession of him is to others.

Esme is looking at me with puzzlement evident on her face. Carlisle never misses an opportunity to clap me on the shoulder and try and give me hope. Yet his eyes say something different...I can read that he sees the situation as hopeless. I need to be away from them. They are too preceptive and it hurts me too much, swimming against the tide as I must.

Esme calls us all to lunch.

"So, Bella, I have booked plane tickets for this evening. Should be an easy trip, seeing we can sleep most of the way."

Her face reflects her inner turmoil.

"Can't we stay until school starts? What's the hurry? Its not like I own much. I can move in an evening."

"I thought we could do it slowly and get used to sharing the apartment before we have to get into a routine. You need to know where everything is and the best route to school and the local shops and such. Anyway, the tickets are booked now."

"Where are you and Jasper going to live?" she asks Alice, barely bothering to conceal her true motives for asking.

"We have rented an apartment in the same building as Edward so we will all be close by. Emmett and Rose have as well. We are on the 14th floor and they are on the bottom floor. So you two are in between us." Alice is bright and happy and appears oblivious to Bella's crush on her husband but she is no fool and I am sure it is more because she trusts him completely with her heart and knows he would never betray her. I trust Jasper myself. I truly think if she turned up naked in his bed, he would holler for Alice to come take her away.

Images of Bella naked flash through my mind. At least she has allowed me some conjugal rights.

Though being with her while her head is elsewhere is completely heratbreaking so I guess, even that will have to stop now.

I wish I could see the future and know if this whole thing is as hopeless as it feels right now.

My heart screams at me to run and save itself. My head tells me I have to at least care for her while she allows me to. I am mainly sad for the baby.

Poor child never had any choice in its conception. I always knew what I was doing, risking my self with her. The baby had no say.

To be born unloved and unwanted by your own mother. Could there be a worse start in life?

BPOV

I reluctantly packed my bag and made my way downstairs. Jasper and Alice were always together so I never got a chance to really talk to him how I wanted to. It was maddening, seeing I had to leave and wouldn't see him again until school started. I stopped halfway down the staircase and watched as he fed Alice little handmade chocolates that he knew she adored. The smile on his face was one of pure joy and for the first time, the reality of the situation clawed at my heart. He really does love her.

For now.

I glanced around the room and was shocked to find Edward was sitting there too. I hadn't even noticed and the look in his eyes told me he had read every thought as it crossed my mind. His eyes were narrowed and angry and I continued on my way downstairs, skipping a little to show him I didn't care that he saw.

In my heart, I knew it was cruel buit he shouldn't be watching what was not his business. Jasper has always been mine.

We met before we even started elementary school. His mother had been widowed and she was left to raise her only child alone, and my mother was interested in giving back to the community at the time so was helping out at a counselling service provided for orphans and met and became firm friends and Jasper and I were thrown together as playmates from the age of three. I had never known life without him in it. I had no memories of before we met even though I remember the first time they came to our house and we played in the backyard while our mothers watched and drank coffee and talked, Renee was always caring towards anyone with a problem and she soon volunteered to watch Jasper while his mom worked and that was it. We were together every day and when times got too tough, they even moved in and lived with us and my dad, Charlie, sometimes for months on end while she looked for a new job or an affordable house to rent.

We were bathed together and placed into the same bed, mine, to sleep, during these times, and we were very best friends, not caring if any other children played with us in the playground or not. We had each other and we would always put each other first ahead of any interlopers. It was just how we were.

We got older and the bath and bed sharing stopped once we began school.

But the friendship never wavered and we played whatever game I chose at morning break and whatever he chose at afternoon break.

So, of course, it was always House for me. Jasper was the daddy and I was the mommy and we had various children who wanted to be our kids or our new baby. Jasper was always patient with my same choice of game and I tried to be whatever he wanted me to in his time. It was always the same anyway. Cowboys and Indians.

Jasper was the sheriff and we were arrested and tossed in jail most days, us being the bad cowboys in the black hats. Mike Newton was a play buddy from the start and Jasper always made sure he shot him or hung him for some crime, cattle rustling, drinking too much beer. Jasper made up the rules and we obeyed or paid the price.

Mike was fun back then, needy even in his toddlerhood, but he was always willing to act out whatever role Jasper inflicted on him so he could play with us.

We became the popular kids as we grew up and took over the playground and graciously allowed different kids to sit with us as our games changed to more mature passtimes. Jasper got into baseball in a big way so naturally, so did I. I wasn't very good except when it was my turn to bat, then I could slug that ball for way further than anyone else. Except Jasper. I never even tried to out hit Jasper. Why would I? He was my hero and he was better than I was.

I had become aware of other girls eying off Jasper as puberty raced through, taking us all in and changing our bodies and the way we saw boys, but I was confident I had first place in his heart so it became a joke between us as I assessed and rated each lovestruck girl and Jasper would laugh and put his arm around me affectionately as he listed the reasons why this girl or that was not suitable for him.

"No, Bella, she is way too tall. I would need a stepladder to reach her lips."

"No, Bella, she is a little too pudgy. She would squash me in bed."

"No, Bella. My mom would hate her and she would make me choose, the girl or her and I would always choose my mom."

"Even over me?" I would ask, knowing his answer in advance.

"Never over you, my sweet Bella. Mom loves you anyway. It would never be a problem."

I just wanted to hear the words.

The girls knew Jasper was mine and they rarely ever made any move towards him. I would soon set them straight and they would back off.

Jasper joked he would have to marry me because I was not letting him meet other girls and the thought warmed my heart.

We would be married some day. It was obvious.

Then we started High School and things changed.

I noticed Alice straight away, who could ignore such a little ball of energy? She was tiny and pretty and so enthusiastic about everything. Drama club was shaken up and turned inside out and upside down when she joined. Suddenly, I was no longer automatic female lead in any play we did. Alice was always ready to point out ways to make the play more amusing and interesting for the audience and the teacher loved her as well. We had all fallen into a rut and now it was like a new broom had swept in and brushed away the cobwebs and let in some light.

I was not blind as much as I loved Alice, I knew she was gaining more and more of Jaspers attention.

I tried to make light of this but when I listed the reasons why Jasper should date her, for the very first time, he did not come back and squash my reasons. He instead lit up and looked glad I approved of her as well, which was never my intention but I could hardly backtrack now.

He stopped playing baseball at break and started sitting around with the boys and talking about girls, something Jasper had never done with them and had actually thought 'quite pathetic' earlier.

Us girls naturally grouped together but their friendship was never like his. They were more shallow and boy obsessed and I missed the true comradeship he and I had shared. My best friend was now a girl, Vicky, and she made me see this change in a new light.

"Bella, you don't want to be his buddy. You want to make him notice you as a confident, attractive woman. This is good. He can sit across the lunchroom and admire you, so don't sulk or look like you miss him. Look like you are always happy and having fun and he will find that way more attractive. Girls will still be your friends if you act all sad and stuff but guys like positive, happy women and thats what we will be. Is James looking this way? Tell me when he is."

I became her pimp for James and she became my biggest ally in my quest to go from buddy to girlfriend with Jasper.

I stayed away and wasn't always there for him, I learned he needed to feel the need for me and not just assume it was there so Vicky and I plotted and planned and always laughed even when we were scowling inside at the boys not looking our way as we wanted them to do.

I was extra aware that Jasper often looked at Alice Cullen.

His eyes would light up and he would smile without realizing, when she crossed his path.

She sat with us so I deluded myself he was really just watching me but I knew things were changing and she was taking my place as center of his universe.

Vicky suggested she warn Alice off, but it was silly. She didn't know Jasper was meant for me, maybe we could just point that out and she would chase someone else. But the thing was, she wasn't chasing Jasper. She was just being herself, becoming our friend, it wasn't as if she ever did anything to make him look at her. He just did it.

She didn't play the usual games, like Vicky did, bending over to attend to her shoe with that tricky shoelace that needed constant adjustments, knowing James was watching her skirt hike up higher.

Alice never asked us if Jasper was watching, unlike Vicky who needed a minute by minute update on where James eyes were trained. She would show us her new cheerleader moves if we told her he was watching her, and she puffed her blossoming boobs out as she stood tall and bent low and showed off her long shapely legs, kicking them higher than strictly necessary, and Alice and I would giggle as James shifted in his seat and put a folder over his lap to hide the evidence of what Vicky's moves were doing to him.

We would laugh all the way to class, especially if James had to make a bathroom stop.

"God, I just want to go in there and help him with his problem" Vicky would sigh as we sat waiting for a flushed James to come into the classroom. He would try and avoid our knowing eyes and we would collapse in fits of giggles. Vicky would mark in her diary each bathroom visit she caused him.

"Three visits today, Bella. I have such control over that boy." She would then drop her pen and have to step into the aisle and bend at the waist to retrieve it.

"God, Vicky, he waill fail if he has to leave class too many more times today. Behave yourself." said Alice.

"And he will be red raw and never be able to do what you want him to do anyway" I would warn.

Vicky stretched her back and raised her hands above her head and the boobs were shoved out as far as possible as she faked a yawn and suggestively sucked on her pen whenever James looked her way.

I would kick her chair as the signal.

James alert.

Poor boy often had to delay leaving the room until everybody else had gone and Vicky would wait outside and watch to see if he headed for the boys bathroom.

When she caught up with us, she would be jubilant or determined to try harder.

Alice told her she was shameless. A shameless hussy and Vicky would answer, "Thanks, I do try." and we would all laugh again.

The only bone of contention was Alice's complete lack of knowledge that she was stealing what was mine.

"So, Bella, there are a few cute boys here, who do you fancy? I think my brother likes you by the way." she would tell me.

I didn't care if her brother liked me, I only cared that Jasper saw me as a woman and not the child I had always been.

Vicky finally confided in Alice that Jasper was my object of desire and her face fell for a moment, revealing what Vicky and I already guessed. She was crushing on Jasper herself.

It threatened to ruin our new friendship but Alice spoke up and said she would back off and try and find someone else to admire, she would never come between myself and Jasper. I was so confident she could never come between us anyway that I just laughed and told her it was fine and that Jasper would choose who he liked anyway. It wasn't up to us. I agreed to accept her crush on him and she agreed to accept mine and we shook hands and hoped the best woman won.

I think she expected she would move on but it never happened. Mike always came over and asked me out, I always refused and Vicky would give me new excuses.

"Say "I am washing my eyebrows tonight' or "I have to knit a blanket for every Peruvian orphan so I can't go on dates."

Alice would laugh and swipe at her and tell her she was heartless.

Mike never took the hint and turned up again the next day with some pressing reason why I needed to go to his house with him after school. His parents both worked in their outfitters store so we knew he was trying to get me there alone so he could 'make his move' so we kept teasing him and Vicky kept her job as "Newtons cockblocker" as her main role after "seducing James".

I noticed Alice's brother was often watching me across the room and I couldn't believe it when he started asking me out as well. Why was I attracting every boy but Jasper?

I felt the weirdest sensations whenever Edward Cullen came close and my mind just exited my body and my panties felt damp and hot and my body felt restless and I finally sympathized with James.

Damn Edward Cullen. Why did I react like this? I confided in Vicky that when he spoke in that velevety voice, I just wanted to jump him and she would laugh and say "Now you know how James makes me feel."

"But you like James. I mean, you like LIKE James. I detest Edward. Stupid red hair. Does he go to a ladies hairdressing salon and get those copper highlights put in? And his eyes. Nobody has eyes that green. He wears contacts. I bet. We have to ask Alice."

Alice always jumped up in delight when I asked any question about her brother. She knew he didn't attract me like Jasper did but she always seemed to think there was something more, something special, going to happen between Edward and I. I assumed she just wanted a clear playing field so she could chase Jasper once I was distracted.

"She is just in lust with him, Alice. She just wants to jump his bones and once she does, she can move on. Its just hormones. And we all know whores moan."

Alice would look serious ans argue she saw more.

"No, Alice." I would explain."When I am awake, all I think about is Jasper. Its only when I am asleep that Edward has any part of my mind. I don't like like him. I just feel like having sex with him every time he speaks to me."

"And no other boy has this effect on you? What about movie stars, boys in boy bands?"

"Nope. My virginity is safe with them. If Johnny Depp picked me up after school, I would just want a million photos of us together to piss of every Johnny Depp fan in the school. And boy bands? Just no."

"So, its only Edward. don't you go on one date with him and see how it goes?If you are right, you won't feel any other kind of attraction. If you laugh at his jokes and keep looking at his pretty face, then you will know there's more to it."

"Alice, if I got into a car with your brother, I would probably not wear underwear because I would not want to be wasting time while he ripped it off me. How would your mom and dad react if I made your brother impale me in the backseat while they drove us to the cinema?"

"Dad would probably think it was about time the Cullen genes reduced a woman to wanting instant sex. My mom, hmm. I guess she wouldn't want her little baby boy taken advantage of."

"So, that is why I will never date your bother."

"Come over to our house this weekend. We can observe if Edward has this effect out of school."

So it started. I went to the Cullen house and Alice and I sat up and talked all night and slept most of Saturday and Edward hung around, looking for any opportunity to speak to me. I was about to tell him to just give up, when he answered his phone and said those magic words.

"Hey, Jasper. What are you doing? Want to come over?"

I waited without breathing to hear Jaspers reply.

"Yeah man, thats cool. Stay for lunch, which is really late today because my mother had to wait for the two sleeping beauties to wake up. See you in ten."

Suddenly I had to shower, and change clothes and get Alice to straighten my hair but she annoyed me by saying I was on my own with this one, she had some showering and fashion decisions of her own.

"I could straighten your hair for you" Edward offered.

I didn't even hesitate to accept and headed for the guest bathroom. God, I love their house, There must be like ten bathrooms in it. Alice has her own, I assume the boys do to, Esme was telling me about her ideas when she redid her en suite. And there were the regular bathrooms and the downstairs powder rooms.

I couldn't believe some of us had to share one tiny, old fashioned bathroom with our parents, for Heavens sake. I want Dr and Mrs Cullen to adopt me.

I pulled on my good pair of black skinny jeans and my new sexy top that Alice had actually given me. Ha. I would show her. My boobs looked amazing in this pretty top. It was a shade of blue you rarely saw in nature although Edward told me the sea off Spain was often this color.

Lucky Cullens. My parents think a trip to Seattle is big time travel.

I was putting on make up I had borrowed off Rose as I had never felt the need to paint my face before so had none of my own.

Edward suggested I just use a little mascara and maybe eyeliner and lip gloss as my skin was so fresh and pretty, it didn't need enhancement.

He was sweet, I suppose. He straightened my hair slowly and expertly and I wondered briefly if he was gay.

I didn't care, gay is cool.

I just wondered.

Then I noticed his eyes in the mirror and retracted the thought. No, not gay. His bulging jeans were evidence I did to him what he did to me.

He gently brushed my newly ironed locks down my back and I thought I felt him kiss the top of my head lightly as I reached down for my bag.

Must have imagined it. Lust doesn't make you want to be gentle and kind, more like, rough and horny.

I was glad to escape the small room and leapt down the stairs to lounge somewhere provocatively to make sure Jasper got an eyeful of the wow factor I hoped we had created, before that annoying little pixie realized he was here. Edward smirked and shook his head as I draped myself over a lounge chair and tried to look bored and interesting.

"Hey man, come in. This is my alluring vamp of a friend, Bella Swan. Do you know her?" Edward joked.

"Shit, Bella. I hardly recognize you."

I felt my chest expand with excitement.

"I think you are in there, Edward" Jasper spoiled everything by adding.

Stupid man. If anyone was 'in there' it was him. Or Edward. I had to admit, it was Edward that made my ladies parts tingle.

Jasper walked towards me and pulled me into our usual hug and he kissed my cheek just as he always did. I couldn't kid myself this was attraction. This was just friendship. Jasper loved me, I knew that. But he didn't love love me.

Edward was quietly watching us and he smiled at the way Jasper was treating me. Bastard.

Alice danced down the stairs at that moment and every eye in the room was on her.

I pulled my eyes back to Jasper and was dismayed to see the longing and shine in his eyes. It hadn't been there when he had looked at me, despite my makeover.

Hmm. Alice was making progress with him and I wasn't.

I had to step up my game.

"Jasper, does your mom need us to help her with anything today? You know how she depends on us being there for her on weekends. We mustn't neglect her because we are making new friends."

It worked and Jasper actually stopped ogling Alice.

"Actually, Bella, she isn't real well and I plan to go home as soon as lunch is over."

"I will come with you. You know how hard it is for her to adjust to new people. Better I go with you, seeing she has known me since we were three."

Top that, Miss Alice Cullen.

You are a complete stranger to Jasper's mom and she is top lady in his life. And she loves me. She would vote for me over Alice any day.

Lunch was fun and I was a little perturbed to find Esme and Carlisle welcoming Jasper like it was a done deal that he was Alice's friend, not Edwards.

Luckily, his phone rang. His mom had taken a turn for the worse and I bolted out to his truck with him and left the Cullen house after a hasty goodbye.

"Call me if I can be of any help" called Alice.

"Its fine. Jasper and I can handle everything." I replied.

When we got there, a neighbor who had been sitting with Jaspers mom had called an ambulance and the paramedics were loading her into the back as we parked.

"My name is Jasper Whitlock. That's my mom. What's happening?"

"Your mother keeps slipping into a state of confusion and stopped breathing once. We need to get her to hospital and keep her under observation for a few days."

"I will follow the ambulance" he replied and we ran back and jumped in his truck.

Poor Jasper. He had nobody in the world apart from Mrs Whitlock.

I phoned my mom and dad and they said they would meet us at the hospital.

We sat in the cheap plastic chairs that furnished the waiting room and waited for news. Jasper was pale and shaken and Renee put her arms around him.

"Whatever happens, you will always have us. You are like a son to us, Jasper."

Whoa, mother. Son-in-law, never son. Please.

"Thank you, Renee. She will be okay, won't she?"

"I am not going to make any flsle promises, Jasper. But know, we will be here for you whatever the result of these tests."

Yay for my mom.

The doctor finally came out and spoke to us and had little to disclose as yet. They were keeping her in, she didn't appear to be in any imminent danger now, and we should go home and get some sleep.

Jasper and I followed my parents car home and he came upstairs and lay beside me on my bed.

Renee looked in and said it was fine for him to sleep in my room, in the circumstances. I was annoyed, obviously she too thought we were brother and sister more than anything else. There was nobody in this world I wanted less to be my brother.

I changed into my sweats and a tank top in the one and only bathroom and Jasper stripped down to his boxers and Tshirt and we climbed into bed. He pulled me into his arms and softly spoke of his fears that his mom was not going to survive this illness. She had been quite ill on and off all the past year and nobody was able to diagnose what caused her problems. It was frustrating and unsettling for us all, but especially jasper.

I did what I could, just listened and rubbed his back, and kissed his tears away when he cried.

He suddenly pushed his body closer and I felt his erection against my thigh.

Oh God. Hardly an appropriate time but I was not about to let any opportunity pass me by. Silently apologizing to Mrs Whitlock, I slid my hand towards his bulge and stroked it over the silky boxer pants.

He moaned and bucked into my hand.

"Shit, Bella. Sorry. Its just.."

"Shh, Jas. Its okay. Its fine,. I just want to comfort you." I assured him, and stroked harder along his member.

He hissed and I took courage in both hands( well, into my right hand anyway) and snuck inside his pants and held the real thing for the first time.

He was huge.

I was shocked. I had glimpsed what Mike had to offer several times when he bailed me up behind the bike sheds at school and flashed me, and this was so much larger than Mike's.

I started to stroke him up and down, remembering Vicky's explicit instructional lecture on 'getting men off by hand'.

I held him tighter and he hissed and pushed against me, rocking his hips as I stroked up and down, wiping my thumb over the tip and once there was a few drops of pre cum, I gently spread it over and around.

Yay for Vicky.

I didn't even blush as I did this. God, I can't even believe this is happening.

"Harder" he hissed so I increased the pressure of my hand and pulled it up and down him more quickly. He sighed and moaned and started to chant, "yes, Baby" over and over so I was inspired to get him off and soon he was jerking and spurting in my bed.

His teeth were clenched and I stroked his face with my left hand, the right one being in need of some washing.

"Its okay, Jas. I love you."

"I love you, too, Bells. thank you."

He kissed my cheek gently and I bit down on my lip. Darn. I had hoped for a proper kiss.

I slipped out of bed and came back from the bathroom with a warm washcloth and handed it to him.

He cleaned himself off and I took it back to the bathroom, rinsed away the evidence and tossed it into the wet towel hamper.

he was mine, now. We were in love. Take that, Alice.

I snuggled in close and jasper fell asleep against me and I smiled into the night.

Jasper loved me.

Next morning when I opened my eyes, jasper was sitting in the old rocking chair my mom had rocked me in when I was a baby.

"I am so sorry, Bella. I should have never allowed that to happen. I was so upset about my mom, I just wasn't thinking straight. I can't apologize enough. I promise you, I will never touch you inappropriately again. And I will sleep downstairs on the couch from now on. I am so embarrassed. We don't even think of each other in a sexual way. That should never have happened.I can't believe I let that happen. God, Alice would not be impressed if she knew. Promise me you will never tell anyone? I won't tell Edward. I mean it. I know you and him have a thing going and I really should have gotten out of your bed the moment things started to happen. I am so sorry. If I could erase last night, I would."

Just what a girl wants to hear the morning after.


	8. Chapter 8

The Wedding

Chapter 8

Moving In

**Warning..this chapter contains an operation you may not agree with or wish to read about. Clue..Bella is pregnant , Carlisle feels about this baby as he did about Renesmee when he found out Bella was pregnant in BD. PLEASE READ CHAPTER NINE EVEN IF YOU SKIP THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE ITS ESSENTIAL.**

EPOV

Getting Bella away from Jasper seemed the sensible idea and although her chatter on the plane was filled with insensitive references to him and his apparent awesomeness, I still enjoyed just being beside her and hearing us called Mr and Mrs Cullen.

A meaningless title to Bella, no doubt but I got a kick out of it.

Her clothes and belongings didn't take long to pack and move, as she said, and I was about to take her clothes into my bedroom to hang in my closet when she cleared her throat and stopped at my bedroom door.

"This apartment has two bedrooms?"

"Yes" I replied, not getting her point for the moment.

"I think I would prefer my own room." she followed up with.

I opened my mouth, about to argue and point out we were married but what was the point?

I wordlessly walked across the hall and threw open the guest room door and dumped her clothes on the bed.

Walking back to my car to bring in more of her stuff, I bit back the disappointment and bitterness in my throat. So, we were not even room mates, more like flat mates.

I trudged out of the elevator and placed the next pile on her bed without even looking at her as she hung dresses and jeans in the small closet. Lucky she didn't own much, this second bedroom was much smaller than mine and although it had a half bathroom attached, it was pretty small and poky. I hadn't cared when I moved in as I had assumed it would merely be used for the occasional guest, never for a full time occupant.

After everything was inside, I went to the kitchen and started cooking a late supper.

Bella must be exhausted by now. By the time I had set the table and served our meals, there was silence in the apartment so I walked to her door and peered in. She was still fully clothed but curled up asleep on her bed.

It didn't even have sheets on it, I usually made the bed the day a guest was expected and stripped it again when they left.

I removed her shoes and sox and stood beside the bed, wondering if that was enough or should I take some of her outer clothes off her? Her jeans would be too restricting and uncomfortable to sleep in so I undid them and slipped them off her body, trying not to admire her long legs and her tiny white panties. I then removed her hoodie and slid my hands behind her back and undid her bra clip, careful not to graze her breasts with my hands as I removed the bra but left her Tshirt on. I covered her with a blanket and returned to tip our meals into the bin. I had no appetite lately.

Bed was normally a welcome retreat but tonight it was cold and empty and seemed much larger suddenly. I had never brought any girl home before, in my mind if not in reality. They may have been someone else when I left with them but once they crossed the door into my place, they became Bella.

My place was my sanctuary, and now it had been invaded in a very disturbing way and I found it hard to hold on to any of the hope and optimism I had held earlier.

Maybe we should just cut our losses and try and move on. I picked up my cell phone and scrolled through to Carlisle's name. The quicker the divorce got finalized, the less hassle it would be legally. As it stood at the moment, we hadn't been together long enough for her to claim anything from me, nor me from her.

I hated thinking this way. She is the woman I love and she has my child inside her and finances shouldn't come into it. I know her well enough to know she will ask for as little as possible, just some child support which knowing Bella, will probably be too reasonable and inadequate.

I lay in bed awake for a long time, picking up and replacing the phone back onto my nightstand. What should I do?

I finally drifted off and left the decision for in the light of day tomorrow.

Sometime during the night, I was awoken by the sound of someone saying my name. It threw me at first, being used to living here alone, then I jumped out of bed as I realized it was Bella. She was asleep but she was insistent on speaking to me.

"Edward" she repeated a few times so I lay beside her and pulled her in close.

"Yes, Bella".

I waited for a reply.

"Edward."

Well, she knows my name.

"Hold me, Edward."

I cuddled her closer and kissed her neck.

Her hair smelled fantastic and I buried my nose in deeper to breathe the lucious scent in. My body was reacting already to her softness as she lay in my arms. How could I turn my back on this, the few scraps she offered? Surely this was better than nothing? That's what I would get once we were divorced. She would probably move out again and demand to be independent. At least the marriage, such as it was, allowed us to live in the same apartment.

"Edward" she sighed and started to lift one leg over my waist and pushed her hot sex close to my overly aware genitals.

God.

Breathe, Edward.

"Kiss me, Edward" she sighed in a low, sexy voice and my dick demanded I do so.

How far could I allow this to go? On one side, common sense said this was not a good idea for either of us, on the other side, this could be the last time our bodies connected.

She started to rock herself against me as I kissed her with all the longing that sat in my heart.

My hand slid up and down her back, and it snuck under her shirt without seeking permission from me.

Bella started to rub up closer and my dick was wishing I would just roll and let her connect with it but I still hesitated. Was this wrong? Was this very wrong or just a little bit bad? We were married, we had been together before. Both drunk and sober. Both forgotten and remembered.

I wanted to be good. I wanted to prove I was a man she could trust and want to be with.

Yep, I will go back to my bed. I am not taking advantage of a sleeping Bella.

I slipped away from her and went back to bed.

It was the right thing to do. My feet twitched to get up and walk back to her room but I lay on my side, facing the window and refused to think about what could have happened.

I was finally calmed down enough to drift into a slight slumber when a pair of arms wrapped around my torso and lips kissed the back of my neck.

"Bella?"

Who else would it be?

I turned and faced her. Her eyes were open and hooded and dark with desire.

"I had a dream, you were making love to me and I woke up when the dream went away." she whispered.

"I went into your room because you were calling me. But you were asleep so I came back to my own bed." I explained in a minimal way.

"I miss you." she said.

My head wanted to simply explode. This woman would be the death of me. Hot and cold. Hate and like. I couldn't kid myself she ever felt any form of love for me.

My heart screamed for connection but sex would not provide me with that.

My body just wanted the sex.

"Can we fool around a little?" she asked.

I wanted to say no but it was too hard to refuse anything she asked of me.

"Sure, baby." At least, I was doing this with love in my heart and true feelings. I was doing nothing wrong.

Bella's hands sought and found my erection and she moved her body closer to mine as she stroked me up and down and hummed as she worked me into a frenzy.

My fingers sought and found her sweet wetness and warmth and I plunged two inside her and worked her just as frantically, my thumb grazing her clit with every thrust.

She responded and moaned as I brought her closer and closer to a release.

"God, Edward, I want you inside me." she cried out.

Why not?

Why the hell not?

I couldn't think of a single reason.

I think my blood had deserted my brain completely at this point and I was no longer thinking with it.

No, my reasoning was taking place much lower in my body.

I grabbed her roughly and pushed myself inside her and grasped her hips so I could dig in deep as we swayed and pushed and rocked against each other, desperately seeking friction and release.

"God, yes, Edward, yes, keep going."

Her instructions were superfluous, nothing could have made me stop now.

So close, so close.

She had to come first.

I reached for her clit and she sighed loudly with relief.

"You should ask for this, tell me what you want. It has to be good for you, too" I gasped.

It was going to be good for me.

I was so nearly there and I needed her to come first so I could let go.

"Bella, come for me, come with me, I am so close, so very close."

"Fuck me hard, Edward" she begged and I increased my power behind my thrusts.

"Yes, Edward, yes, now, I, yes. God, god, god"

She tightened around me and milked my own release without my even thinking to let go.

We shook in each others arms and floated to the ceiling together and finally crashed back down as the aftershocks decreased in intensity and number.

I was shaken by the feelings evoked as we came together. That was amazing. Usually I was a little behind her but this time, it had hit us both simultaneously and it was a new first for me.

One rule I always stuck to was, my bed partner had to achieve her orgasm ahead of me, whether by manual stimulation, as so many girls seemed to have trouble achieving that goal by penetration alone, or the few that did, I always waited for their release before my own. I owed them that one small reward for allowing me inside their bodies. I really did not make a practice of just plunging in.

Now I wondered what I had been missing by not trying to climax at the same time.

I was still shaking and felt completely drained and exhausted.

I reluctantly let myself leave her body and she sighed, in a way that let me know she missed the contact between us immediately.

We had this.

It was only sex but it was good.

It was filled with enough love from me to make it good for both of us.

Her body and mine fit together so well. I had never felt anything like what I felt with her with my earlier conquests.

I knew why.

With them, I never tried. I never sought a connection. I had used them, simply, to pretend.

I couldn't have who I wanted, so I used other girls to create a fiction that Bella wanted me. I appreciated their eagerness and skill as I fucked them, my eyes tightly closed, my head full of images of her, her face, her body, her legs open for me, her backside pushed up against my hips, the only position I ever did in case my eyes slipped open. I could not have handled seeing the wrong face in front of me.

I never saw them as themselves, as real people, as girls with names and minds and feelings. They were stand ins, sent to give me a tiny piece of Bella, a piece she had never offered me herself.

Afterwards, I would lie there and keep my eyes shut and roll away so I could keep the illusion and take it into my dreams, as I redid the act with Bella facing me, my eyes open this time, greedily drinking her in.

Those girls knew the rules, be gone before I wake up. It was rarely a problem, as so often I cried out Bella's name so the stand in would cry or leave in a huff, so I was always left alone and nobody demanded I cuddle them.

My mind thought I had been with Bella for years now, even though I knew deep down I had simply created that illusion in a special section of my brain. Now, at least I had permission to be inside her body when she chose to allow me. It was a step forward. It was.

As she curled up and slept beside me, I tried to fill my thoughts with anything but what was trying to enter.

No, no, I don't want to allow that thought.

I tried to translate a passage from Shakespeare into German to keep the intrusion at bay.

She was thinking of Jasper when you moved inside her, just like you thought of her with the other girls.

"No" I yelled and sat up straight in bed, my hands flying straight into my hair to pull it and twist it into knots.

That was not what was happening.

She called my name, not his.

If she ever called his name, it would be over.

I spent the rest of the night struggling with my epiphany.

I fought against it and tried to think of evidence she was with me, thinking only of me, not using me to pretend.

I vowed to make sure she always faced me and kept her eyes open and kept eye contact with me.

I knew all the tricks, I had used all the tricks. I would know if she was fantasizing.

Sleep claimed me again and I didn't wake until late morning and only then because Bella, laying spooned in my arms, was pushing her naked butt against my eager dick.

This position was so familiar to me, I automatically entered her from behind and was rocked into a steady rhythm before I even remembered my vow.

I stopped still and Bella growled.

Okay, just this once, just this one time.

I started again and felt her tightness from this angle, so much tighter, so tight around me, so fitting, so hard to feel where she began and I ended. I wanted to come with her again.

"Tell me when you are ready to come. I need to come with you again."

"Edward, that was amazing."

"Do you want me to touch you?"

She reached a hand back and linked our fingers together and pulled them down, entwined, and slid one of my fingers along her clit her, along with one of hers. I was instantly twice as turned on. She separated them so my finger stroked one side of her clit and her finger stroked the opposing side. She sighed as the sensations started. This must be a very sensitive area to do this to. Maybe even more than her actual clit. She was totally getting into it as I stroked with my finger and my dick plunged in and out of her sweet pussy.

I rested my head against the back of hers and wished I knew if her eyes were open or closed.

"Bella, Bella, Bella" I chanted, I wanted her to hear MY voice and know it was me here inside her.

Say my name,I begged silently.

"God, yes, I am coming, I..Yes, Oh, I...."

"Bella" I screamed as once again we fell together. God, our bodies knew each other exactly and perfectly. So in tune, so synchronized. So meant to be.

Despite my disappointment at her not saying my name, I was much happier that at least she hadn't said his.

That would have killed me dead.

"I like it when you say my name as you come" I whispered to her.

"What? Sorry. Didn't I?"

I could hardly add, I need to know you are aware its me inside you.

How would she react to that little gem?

If she was thinking of me, it would plant the seed she could think of him, next time.

If she was thinking of him, too late.

We slept much of the day away, not that it mattered. My arms would never tire of holding her, my lips wanted to connect with hers forever. When we awoke, she allowed me a little kissing session before pulling me from my bed and into my larger shower. She seemed to be kissing me, not him, I assured myself.

As she washed me and paid a lot of attention to my nipples, she unexpectedly began questioning me in a way I didn't want to get into right now. This was our time and God only knew how much or little time we would spend together.

"What did you do with the other girls?"

"What? Why?"

"I want to know."

"Then I want to know everything you have ever done with any boy." I replied, hoping it might make her back down. I didn't really care about any innocent teenage fumbles she may have indulged in with schoolboys.

We all started out that way, feeling members of the opposite sex, learning what was where and what bits were sensitive to the touch and figuring out what would happen later in life when we graduated to actual sex.

"Jasper slept in my bed with me often, when we were kids. Do you remember when his mom died?"

Of course I did.

I was his friend too.

"Yes."

"The night before, he slept in my bed."

I raised my eyebrows, surprised Charlie had allowed that.

"Did your father know?"

"Well, that's kind of a sore point. I think my mom slept in his bed even though they were separated a long time by then. I don't even allow myself to remember if she was with Phil at that stage."

I understood avoiding those kind of thoughts.

"So, Renee knew and said it was okay but I think Charlie was too distracted to even wonder where Jasper slept. And he slept on the couch every night after that."

"What happened?" I asked, suddenly interested.

"I, um, touched him and made him come with my hand."

"You gave him a hand job?"

I was surprised. Jasper had told me nothing ever happened between him and Bella.

"Yeah."

"Did he reciprocate?"

"What do you mean?"

"Did he get you off with his hand?"

"No."

She went quiet. Clearly she hadn't even expected him too. Was she regretting that now?

"Did he kiss you?"

"No, not on the mouth."

Where, then?

"He kissed me on the cheek. He has never kissed me on the mouth" she said, sadly.

I couldn't help feeling sorry for her and her unrequited love.

Hadn't I suffered for the same thing all these years? Didn't I know even now how sad and heartbreaking it was to love someone with every cell in your body and your entire soul and get nothing back? How could I not relate and feel sorry for her? I love her and what hurts her, hurts me.

Even this.

I put my arms around her waist as I stood behind her.

"I'm sorry" I murmured.

"Edward? You are sorry? For Jasper not kissing me?"

I sighed and held her tighter.

"Yes, Bella, I am sorry. I know how you feel. I feel that way, too, don't forget. I love you probably more than you love him. I live for you, for any sign of affection from you. I want you to love me like I love you. I know exactly how you feel, all day, all night. Always hoping, always wanting, never getting what you want."

She looked at me with tear filled eyes and I found myself crying with her. This was so fucked up.

Why couldn't God or whoever ruled over us, either take the love I had for her and put it inside Jaspers heart and have him return her feelings for him?

Or take her feelings for him and change them into feelings for me?

Why was life so bloody unfair to us both?

I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have her love returned and for her to be with the man she loved.

It wasn't me.

"He said he loved me but he didn't mean it the way I wanted. He told me the next day he regretted everything and didn't see me 'that way' and he obviously already loved Alice. I never stood a chance. But at least, for one night, I believed he chose me and loved me."

Sadly, I let her go and stepped out of the stall and dried myself while she cried , her tears mixing with the water as it cascaded down her little slim body that had allowed me inside.

She needed to be alone with her grief.

As I needed to be with mine.

I threw on my jeans and white t shirt and pulled on my leathers.

What I need to do is jump on my bike and get the hell away from here and from her for a while.

This just hurts too much.

Watching her cry for him as I cry for her.

I wheeled the Harley out of its corner in my garage and jumped on, and sped off into the coming twilight.

What a day. What a hard, sad, happy,dreadful, wonderful, hopeless fucking day.

How many more of these can we survive?

BPOV

I couldn't grasp why Edward cared that Jasper never kissed me. Shouldn't he be glad? Why did he care? How could he even listen to me talk about Jasper when he wanted me to love him? I could never love anyone enough to care about them not being loved by another. He was clearly a better person than I was. He must care for me in ways and depths that don't even exist for me. In that moment, I wished to God it was him I loved. I wished that a lot, because how much easier would all our lives be if I loved him? I know I will never have Jasper. Maybe we only ever get truly loved by one person and Edward is my person. So why these damned useless, futile feelings for Jasper? It made no sense.

Was I meant to suffer all my life? If so, why did I have to make Edward suffer too? That seemed cruel and pointless.

I knew then Rose had been right.

I was not doing the right thing by him. If Jasper had used me in the way I was using Edward, I would hate him so much. I would suffer so much more than I do now. What hell Edwards life must be, when I allow him to love me with his body and believe me, I can feel the love when he is inside me, he radiates it out of every pore.

His arms are so strong but when I am inside them, they are as soft as down and he is so careful to never hurt me in any way. He makes sex so good and he always makes me the prime focus, never just using me to get off. He is truly a special person.

I cant do this, I now realize. I am subjecting him to endless cruelty, letting him think sex will bring us closer when I know it won't.

His phone rings beside the bed so I walk over and accept the call.

"Edward? I need an answer. Is the divorce definitely off or do I instruct them to proceed? I want you to be happy, son, but I don't see it happening with Bella. She doesn't look at you anything like the way you look at her. And I noticed the way she watches Jasper. I am not a fool and neither are you so you must know, she is in love with him. So, you are both pursuing pointless and hopeless romances. Cut your losses, son. She could have an abortion and free you up to fall in love with a woman who returns your feelings. Don't let her bring a baby into this mess. Make her see sense and do this one thing for all of your sakes."

"Carlisle." I answered, not wanting him to say more without knowing it was me.

"Bella?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, I should have spoken straight away. Edward isn't here, he went out."

"Well, I am sorry you heard what you did, but, if you have any feelings for him at all, don't burden him with a child. Do you even want this baby, Bella? Honestly? Just because you conceived doesn't mean you have to carry it and give birth to it. Nobody wants it. What sort of life has it got to look forward to? Its not even a baby yet. Its just a cluster of cells that could possibly grow into a baby one day. then its too late. You will have trapped him into staying in a loveless marriage and forced fatherhood on him. Do you truly think that is the right thing to do?"

"No" I whispered.

"Do you want to raise this baby as a single mother?"

"No" I answered again.

"So, you don't want it so why did you even tell him about it?"

"I didn't. Jake did."

"Oh, I am sorry. I assumed you were using the pregnancy to trap Edward so you could be close to Jasper, seeing he will never leave Alice. Not for you, not for anyone."

Was that what I was doing? I didn't plan to hang around and raise this kid. I assumed Edward wanted it. How could I jump to that conclusion? He had never said he wanted it. He had just accepted it as a done deed. I had known Edward for years, he had never spoken of wanting a child. I thought back to when he didn't even remember who he married and how he assumed someone needing a green card had married him. Someone who needed something from him. Was that someone me? Did I just stay because I wanted to be close to Jasper? I knew there was a lot of truth in that. And Edward was so nice to me. I didn't deserve him, that was the truth.

"I want to do whats best for Edward." I stated, suddenly seeing how cruel I was.

"I can arrange everything. I would have done it myself if you hadn't gone back. Do you want me to buy you a ticket back to here so I can fix this for you? Or do you know of a clinic there? I will be happy to pay all costs. Do this for Edward. He is a good man and he deserves better. He deserves a chance to have a life with someone who loves him back."

"Of course he does. He deserves a proper wife." I agreed."I will find a clinic here, I don't want to go back. But Carlisle, I need to let my parents think I miscarried. Can you not say anything to anyone, please? Dad and Mom would both be upset if they knew. Please just let us do this. I do need you to pay. Sorry, but I don't have that type of money."

"That's fine and not a problem, Bella. I can contact a colleague and have you booked in today. And yes, let's keep it between ourselves. A miscarriage is the best solution. Nobody to blame, it happens all the time. No explanation necessary."

"Thank you, Carlisle."

"No thanks needed. Give me your cell number and I will text you the details later today. Have you eaten?"

"No" I suddenly realised.

"Well, don't. He may be able to do it tonight. Or tomorrow morning, so no eating or drinking ."

"Sure." I gave him my number.

"I will text you soon. Bye Bella. You are a good girl. This is the right thing to do."

I sat in the darkening room and held my hands on my abdomen. It made sense, what Carlisle said. Why had I assumed Edward wanted this child? I had never asked him what he wanted. He wanted me, but he wanted me to love him and that was not going to happen so it was best to go and leave him alone. But where would I go? Someone else would have my dorm by now. And I didn't want to go back there. I would need to stay in bed for a few days, wouldn't I? After? I had no knowledge but surely its an operation so it must mean I need time to recover. Maybe I can stay here for a few more days and then leave next week? Maybe Carlisle could help me find a place and a job so I can stay in my own room somewhere?

My phone beeped and I read the text. Carlisle had written an address and had wired money into my account. All I had to do was catch a taxi and turn up.

I could do that, for Edward.

I owed him so much more.

I rang for a cab and made my way downstairs and waited.

When it arrived, I realized I should have packed a bag or something. I ran back upstairs after speaking to the driver and getting him to agree to wait and I grabbed several nighties and pairs of underwear and threw them into a bag. Grabbed my toothbrush, toothpaste, comb, brush. A clean shirt.

I made it back and into the cab and we left. I saw the lights of Edward's motorbike turn into the street as we turned out.

I am doing this for you, I whispered as he sped past us.

The clinic was new and clean and brightly lit. The receptionist unlocked the door when I rang the bell and asked for my id.

Once she was happy I was who I claimed to be, I signed the forms and explained about the money and she told me how to access it right here so I authorized the payment. Carlisle had put way too much money in and it made me feel a little ill. I didn't want to profit from doing this, the right thing. I would find a way of making him take the extra back.

"Dr Cullen has arranged for you to stay a few days in our private clinic next door. Okay? Its all paid for."

Well, that solves that problem.

I feel nervous at the thought of having an operation but the doctor in charge of me explained it was all over very quickly this early on and I didn't even have to be fully sedated if I chose not to. He could simply give me a drug so I didn't remember later. That sounded safer so I signed the agreement for that drug and I followed the nurse as she led me to a room to strip down and shower in a special soap. Then I pulled on a backless gown that only covered my front and I walked into the theater behind the nurse and climbed onto the table. The doctor smiled at me as he used a syringe to add something into the drip that ended in the back of my hand. It stung a little but not too bad and I heard the sounds and saw the lights drift away and felt complete peace as I think I slept.

**A/N I have never had a termination so this is all based on a tv movie I saw once so sorry if really inaccurate. It was a while ago now , have faith in me..I will write the next chapter and post it as soon as possible. KEEP THE FAITH. If you watch Oprah, thats where I got this next scenario from.**


	9. Chapter 9

**PLEASE READ EVEN IF YOU NOW HATE THIS STORY.........**

The Wedding

Chapter 9

The Maturing of Bella Swan.

BELLA's POV

My eyes flew open suddenly and the first thing out of my mouth was "Stop. No. I can't do this."

"It's okay, Miss Swan. It's all over"

"No" I mouthed silently.

I had the most beautiful dream and in it, I was holding Edward's baby and he was happy and smiling at me and the baby and suddenly I knew without a doubt, he wanted me to keep it. He would have spoken up already if he preferred me not having it.

What had I done?

I felt tears well in my eyes and my whole body was full of regret.

I was taken into the other part of the clinic in a wheelchair and put into bed in a fancy private room with its own bathroom.

I would have appreciated the gesture had I not been heartsick at what I had just done.

I lay in the bed and the nurse suddenly returned, accompanied by the doctor.

"Miss Swan, I am so sorry. We have just had your sample tested by pathology and there was no embryotic tissue in the sample."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I'm sorry. It means, we missed the embryo."

"I am still pregnant?:" I asked.

"I'm afraid so. But we can redo the procedure and this time I will wait and have the analysis done before you leave the theater, just to be sure. Its very rare for this to happen."

"No." I stated. I had a second chance here.

"Will the baby be okay still?" I asked.

"Probably. We can do a scan and make sure. Have you changed your mind? Don't let emotions rule over your head here."

"I want this baby and it obviously wants to survive so I am not going back for another try to kill it. I never should have let Carlisle talk me into this in the first place."

The nurse prepared me with cold, clear gel on my abdomen and someone wheeled in a portable sonogram machine and I held my breath as they searched for a heartbeat.

There it was,a complete sac with my little jellybean baby, heart beating furiously. Probably mad at its mother for putting it through such trauma.

"Hi baby" I sang and laughed with relief.

"No damage done. Pregnancy intact and unaffected. Want some pictures?"

"Yes please" I answered.

I was so relieved the baby was going to be alright.

I will tell Edward what I did, though so if he doesn't want the baby, he will know I tried to do the right thing. If he hates me for coming here, well bad luck for me. I deserve it. I should have at least talked to him first. Why did I listen to Carlisle and risk the life of my child?

"I would like you to stay and rest for a few days, just to be safe but I can assure you, the procedure has not jeopardized the pregnancy in any way."

I lay back and relaxed as the nurse cleaned the gel off and the technician left the room with the machine, promising to print me off some photos of the tiny Cullen baby.

Suddenly I was starving and my stomach grumbled in discontent at being empty for so long.

"Time to feed the pregnant lady" laughed the nurse, promising to bring me a meal fit for a queen.

I lay and stared at the print outs when they were dropped off to me. I couldn't wait to show them to Edward. I would never have come near this clinic had I seen the tiny baby with the beating heart first.

Now it was real to me, a real little tiny person.

Not a cluster of cells.

I don't know how I feel about Carlisle at the moment. I am sure he just wanted to protect Edward but he should never have spoken for his son. It should have been Edward saying those words, not his father. If that's how he felt, I will find a way to afford this child without anyone's help. There must be some charity that helps single moms and will alow me to pay them back once I have a job and can pay my own way.

My three days of laying around being pampered came to an end and as I was about to leave, the receptionist handed me a check.

"What's this?" I asked.

"A refund for the procedure. As it was never done, you cannot be charged for it."

I smiled and tucked it into my bag. I had changed my mind about the extra money from Carlisle. I was keeping it. His punishment for railroading me at such a low point in my life into something I would never have done without his interference.

I got into the cab they had booked for me and relaxed as it took me to Edward's apartment. I wished I had thought to bring my cellphone so I could have let him know I was okay. He would be so happy and relieved I was okay.

I paid the driver and danced up the stairs to the elevator.

School had started without me, this morning. That meant Alice and Jasper had moved into this building by now. I laughed as I realized I didn't care. Jasper was finally out of my heart. Now it was full of love for Edward's baby. And maybe even Edward. I had thought of nothing else but the kindness he had shown me even though I had constantly spoken of another man and made him cry, for God's sake. I am a bitch. But not any more. From now on, Edward and I will be on the same page. Maybe I will never love him as much as he loves me, but he is the kindest, nicest person I know and he loves me, so we have a headstart.

My jaw dropped as I got out of the elevator.

My bags lay in front of the apartment door.

I approached them and pulled an envelope from the top bag.

"Goodbye Bella. Thanks for showing me the real you. I never wish to see or hear from you again. Please do not contact me or any of my family again. Do not even acknowledge me on campus as you are dead to me now. E.A. Cullen.

P.S. Carlisle has the divorce underway, the papers will be sent to your fathers address so please arrange to collect, sign and return them as soon as possible. My attorneys card is in this envelope, contact him with any queries. NOT ME."

I fell to the ground. Was this about the almost abortion? If so, why didn't he write something about me having his child killed? Hardly out of kindness.

Was it just about me crying foolishly over Jasper?

I gathered my bags and knocked on the door.

"Edward? Can I just say goodbye in person? I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I thought I was doing the right thing."

I waited.

No reply.

He must be at school.

I took out a pen and wrote the same message on the back of his note to me and slipped it under his door.

The elevator opened and I turned, hoping he was coming back.

Alice and Jasper stood in front of me. Alice burst into tears and Jasper glared at me and pulled her close.

"Its okay honey. She is leaving and if she knows whats good for her, she will go back to Forks and leave us all in peace."

He reached into his pocket and handed me a wad of notes.

"My treat. Get on a plane to somewhere far , far away and never contact Alice again. Or me, it goes without saying."

I stared at him, the boy I grew up with. The man I had thought I loved.

He hated me?

Obviously this was all about the me waiting for their marriage to crack. Edward must have gone to them when he found me gone. At least he had no idea I had attempted to have an abortion. Carlisle would have kept his word.

They stood back and watched me take the offered money and walk into the elevator. I was not in a position to fling the money back at him, I needed to get away from here and get these Cullen's and Whitlock's out of my life forever.

Carlisle's money would get me a place to stay and Jaspers money would get me to my moms place.

I caught a cab and felt the tears begin as it sped me away from all I knew, towards the airport.

I managed to get a ticket for a plane leaving in two hours and used the restroom to freshen up and change clothing.

As I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror, I cringed at how tired and messy I looked. Getting out my brush, I spent an hour working on my hair that was tangled from three days in bed. Finally I got all the knots out and braided it to keep it tidy and out of my way. I knew I was merely distracting myself, forcing my mind to be busy with other things while I refused to think about how I had lost all my friends in one swift move.

Rose was no doubt on Edward's side. She had not liked my decisions lately and she knew about my obsession with Jasper and she knew I had just let the marriage to Edward stay, just to be close to Jasper.

On the plane to my mom and stepdads new home, I finally allowed some thoughts to materialize.

Jasper Whitlock.

After all we had been through.

After all those years he had spent in my bed, in my arms, taking comfort as his mom tried to build a better life.

All our years together at High School as best friends.

Now he hates me and never wants to see me again.

I felt myself blush at the memory at how I had stalked him and Alice.

Maybe this was for the best but this was something I never expected.

I had honestly believed he was meant for me, and I for him.

How wrong can one person be? I had never deserted him, even when it hurt me to be in his company and had to watch his involvement with Alice.

How could he just toss me away like this? Over finding out I was in love with him? Was that now a punishable offence?

And Alice.

God, Alice.

I would never get dragged to a mall again. Never be forced into a makeover. Never be in her bouncing company as she clapped her hands over some exciting happening. Never see the babies she and Jasper had.

Babies.

My hand moved to cover my own baby as it nestled deep inside me.

Edward may not want me and obviously he never wanted the baby, that dream must have been a result of the drugs they gave me.

Well, you know what? Selfish, stupid Bella is dead now.

Responsible mother-to-be Bella has taken her place.

This child is all mine, and I will never ask Edward for one single dollar for it.

This baby is Father:Unknown.

He will never know how its life turns out until its eighteen years old and I tell it about its father. Maybe he or she will seek him out and meet him and let him know all he missed out on by turning his back on us.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

EDWARD'S POV

Turning into my street, I passed a taxi and swerved closer to the curb. The bike responded perfectly. Rose kept this machine in tip top condition with her magic knowledge of all things mechanical. I dismounted and put it to bed for the night.

I felt a little better about things now, since the ride and the fresh air in my face.

Bella and I need to talk and work out some rules and coping strategies if we are to live together.

Whether we take sex off the table is up to her but I think we should.

Its clouding the issue and giving me hope where there shouldn't be any.

Maybe if we learn to be true friends first, things can progress from that point.

I walked out of the elevator and heard my cell phone ringing inside.

"Edward?"

"Carlisle. Hi."

"Edward, I was looking for Bella. I phoned her cell and she didnt answer."

I looked around and there was her phone, flashing with a "One Missed Call" message.

I opened the message and saw there was an earlier message from Carlisle. I stiffened as I saw the name and address of the Other Options Clinic.

"Bella" I bellowed and ran to her bedroom. Her small overnight bag was gone and her drawer where she kept her lingerie and underclothes was open, but most of its contents were missing.

"Carlisle. What has she done?"

"Edward, calm down. She never wanted that baby and you know that."

"Carlisle" I screamed in fear and loathing.

"She needed help, Edward. I paid for her to have a termination."

"I will never speak to you again. Don't call me."

I hung up my phone then threw it at the wall, where it hit and shattered into a million pieces.

I ran to the elevator, holding Bella's phone and called a cab. No, I will go on my bike, that will be faster.

I jumped back on and sped away, far above the speed limit but not caring.

The clinic was dark and closed but after five minutes of solid hammering and screaming, a security guard came to grab me away.

I struggled but he was somewhat larger than I am and he had no problem wrestling me to the ground and sitting on my back.

"I need to find my wife." I grunted out.

"Well, buddy boy, if she is here, you may visit her tomorrow in visiting hours."

"No," I shrieked."I have to stop her. She is having our child aborted."

"Well, you can stop her tomorrow, or if she did that already, you can go home quietly or I can have you arrested and taken to jail but you choose."

"Can I at least find out if she has had it done yet?" I pleaded.

"I shouldn't man. This could get me fired."

He slid off me, motioning I was to sit so I did, trying to get some air into my raging lungs.

He was quite the heavyweight. He held out his phone and tapped it impatiently.

"I will do this if you promise to never say where you got the info from. Understand? My bitch of an ex did this to me, so I know how you feel. If we are early enough to stop her, then I will help you."

He dialed a number and spoke quickly and quietly.

"Heidi? baby, I will be home at the end of my shift. Listen, sweetheart, were there any 'procedures' booked for tonight? One? What name? Come on babe, its real important. Bella Swan?"

He looked at me.

I nodded.

Yes, Bella- wont- even- use- my- married- name Swan.

"Did it happen?"

"Thanks"

He shut his phone.

"Sorry, man. She was being wheeled out after the proceedure to her private room when Heidi left work. Its done."

I felt my world shatter and collapsed to the ground.

It was not just the loss of my baby, it was knowing she hated me that much.

I should have expected this.

She had never liked me. She had always wanted Jasper.

I was surprised actually right from the start that she hadn't just 'had the problem solved".

That's what girls did nowadays when they didn't intend starting a pregnancy.

I stumbled to my feet.

"Do you want me to go home and get Heidi's keys and sneak you in? No rough stuff, you can talk to her but I can't let you hit her, man."

"No, no" I backed away from him and went to my bike.

I never want to see or speak to her again. I would not hit her, I would fall to the floor and cry like a baby... like the baby she destroyed.

I walked my bike up the road and only mounted it when the tears had abated for a while.

I drove around aimlessly until I made up my mind what to do.

Heading home, I felt myself harden towards Bella. What a fool I had been to trust her. I had left the life of my child in her hands. Not that I didn't think Carlisle deserved some blame too but she could have hung up on him and not done as he offered.

Clearly she needed a way out and to be honest, this probably was the only thing she could have done to finish us. I would have always been there for her, no matter if she didn't want me, as long as we shared the parenting of our child .

She had killed part of me when she went into that operating theater. I could feel nothing in my heart but pain and rage.

I sped home and opened my door and went straight to her bedroom. I grabbed her bags and started throwing clothes and books and shoes in one bag or the other.

"Surprise! Edward."

I turned and there stood the sister I adored and the man who ruined my life.

"What's happened?" asked Jasper, eying the bags as I threw in more clothes.

"Bella had an abortion tonight. The baby is gone. She had it killed." I yelled.

"Why? No, why?" cried my sister, covering her eyes as she cried for the dead baby.

"Because she hates me and this was the only way I would back off and let her go. And Carlisle paid for it so don't even suggest I ever speak to him again, understood?"

Jasper shook his head.

"I cannot understand this. Why would Bella do this now? Maybe before you even knew, but now?"

"Because she fucking well loves you and she is sitting around waiting for you and Alice to break up so she can have you and the baby and I were obstacles in her fucking way" I screamed.

Alice turned pale and sat down on the bed.

I returned to my chore and zipped the bags, throwing anything that didn't fit into the bin beside the bed.

Marching out, I grabbed a pen and paper and wrote her a note so she got the message loud and clear. I will never forgive her for this and I will most likely kick her to the ground if I ever see her again. Even as I thought that, I knew it wasn't even a slight remote possibility. I would never hurt Bella. I wished I could.

I threw her bags outside the door and asked my sister to leave. Jasper sighed and looked at me.

"I had no idea, God, this is all my freaking fault. I thought it was all over and done with. It was only one night and I never even touched her. I swear, Alice. it was before you and I, back in high school. I can't believe she has waited all this time. I have never encouraged her."

"It's true, Alice" I confirmed Jasper's story.

"She hates that you never touched her and never kissed her on the lips. And he made it very clear she meant nothing more than a sister to him. She still feels the pain." I added.

"Well, I think we are all paying for her delusions" cried Alice."I am so sorry, Edward."

They left and I locked and bolted the door and looked around for my bottle of instant pain relief.

Thank God for Jack.

I sat on the floor, leaning against the door and drowned my sorrows, for a night anyway.

I awoke the next day when Alice pounded on the door.

Struggling up onto my feet, I opened it and peered at her.

"Let us in, we want to help you."

I noticed the bags were still there on the landing.

"All you can do to help me is buy me another bottle of Jack." I replied.

Jasper looked upset.

"Please don't drink yourself to death, Edward. God, I ruined everything for you, didn't I?"

"Jasper, man, I truly do not blame you at all. It was her fantasy and you never played any part. I was the fool. I should have kept my distance. She always made it plain she had nothing but contempt for me."

Jasper shook his head and looked sad at how this had all evolved.

"I am truly sorry man, I thought you and her were so good together."

"Don't" I stuttered.

"Just don't".

Alice kissed me and left again, having placed a plate of food on my table. I idly looked over what she had made and ate a cookie.

That should keep me going for a few more days.

The next day was much the same, Alice and Jasper came, offered food and words of comfort, Jasper handed me a bottle of Jack after being assured I would drink it wisely, and Alice begged me to be at class tomorrow when the new year started.

I told her I couldn't promise anything and pointed at the bags still waiting to be collected.

Another night, another morning.

Finally, I heard her come home and she must have read the note. She knocked on the door and I leaned against it so I could be as close to her as possible but not see her.

I had to be strong just until she gave up and left.

I heard her speak and her voice tried to suck me in and hypnotize me.

She slipped a note under the door and I took it once she stopped pushing it and I read her words, stupid words. No sorry about killing my baby I noticed. Because she isnt sorry.

I heard the exchange between her and Jasper and longed to make her stay but I also wanted her to go. Do it now, I silently pleaded. If she came back tomorrow, I would fold and let her in and I would be nothing. I was already nothing but I was not burning in hell as I would be if I had to see her again.

Think about your greatest love and your most despised, worst enemy. Then morph them into the same person. That is Bella. I love her and I hate her. Deeply, madly, truly.

Jasper let me know she was gone and I let them in , looking at the place where her bags had waited for her return. It was empty space now. It was truly finally over, all but the paperwork. Alice grasped me into her arms and let me cry out my pain. My rage was sleeping at the moment, only pain came out to play and cripple me.

Then I was alone and I poured the remaining Jack down the drain and dropped like a stone onto my bed.

Two days later I woke up, shaved and showered, and faced the world again.

It was easy.

She was gone.

I would never see her again and that meant I would survive.

I took an instant dislike to a new student named Isobel, and another I had known for years named Annabelle as her friends shortened it to Belle, and one boy even called her Bella in front of me. Jasper and Emmett had my back, and they pulled me away before I pummeled him.

I wanted those names banned.

I never want to hear any name like hers again.

**Please review, Good or bad..and that did happen to a guest on Oprah and she did go on to have a healthy daughter!**


	10. Chapter 10

The Wedding

Chapter 10

Life Goes On.

EPOV

It's true. Life goes on no matter how much you wish it wouldn't. My drinking was out of control and I knew it. Alice had panicked a couple of times when she found me drunk and couldn't rouse me and Jasper had literally saved my life by making me vomit up some of the gallons of alcohol from my stomach before it poisoned me.

I was now in a program and was trying hard to regain some control in my life. My doctor was doing his best, he had inserted an implant that made me vomit whenever I started to drink, and it was quite a challenge to get more than a couple of shots down before it worked and had my stomach clenching and painfully contracting and emptying itself.

The pain and fear of ulceration had finally stopped me trying to beat the implant and now I was chain smoking instead. Killing myself a slower way.

I was completely anti social and never spoke to anyone; except my sister and brother and their partners. I hated seeing them all together, paired off, happy, in love. It seemed everyone was in love. All around me, students announced their engagements, weddings, pregnancies.

Pregnancies.

Pregnancies that would end with a birth. Not in a room with bright lights and instruments of torture and death.

Sometimes, some poor ignorant girl would smile at me or stand beside me and try to attract my attention. I had begged Jasper and Emmett to make sure I never took any girl home or went home with her as I feared greatly what I would do to her.

Pretend she was Bella and beat her? Fuck her too hard? Both?

I was not a suitable partner for anyone and I knew it. Luckily the fact that I glared and scowled and snarled at them had so far, scared them all away.

I didn't want to ever hurt anyone again.

I knew real pain now.

Finally I understood, pining for someone to love you was nothing. Mourning the death of your almost baby and the disappearance of your ex wife, that was pain, and tragedy. Carlisle's attorney had somehow wrangled an annulment so it was done quicker than any divorce. The annulment meant she had never been my wife. It was like she never existed.

I crossed off each day on the calendar and watched as the day that should have hosted the birth of my son or daughter drew closer, and there was no baby coming. I hoped once that day passed, I would be able to live again but for now, it was one day at a time. Slow, painful days passed. I studied,I played my piano, I worked part time, I cleaned my new apartment that had no spare bedroom. I had not opened that spare bedroom until the day I moved and had no choice. Some of Bella's things had remained in the bin in there and I had to touch them, and had raised them to my nose, hoping for a ghost of her scent. It had long gone, like she had. I packed her few things and kept them. They were in the bottom drawer of my dresser.

I would never erase the memory of the day I packed her bags and threw her away.

Threw her away like she threw away our baby.

I wanted to progress and get passed this because stressing out was not going to bring that baby back.

My other problem was my mother. She begged me on a weekly basis to forgive my father but even hearing his name made me want to spit and vomit. He paid for my child to be killed. Wrap it up in any fancy words or convince yourself he did it for me, I don't care.

He did the wrong thing.

He made it possible for her to have the abortion.

Without his money, she would have had to ask me, or Alice or Jasper, or Rose to finance it and none of us would have done that. I would have gotten her help. Got her into counseling, promised to take full custody and responsibility for that baby, never made her visit or see it or have any ties to it, if that was what she wanted.

Anything to prevent what she had done.

Carlisle wrote me a long letter and explained the whole conversation he had with her and how he had made her believe she was doing the right thing and doing it for me.

I couldn't get my head around it. How could killing my child be a favor she thought I wanted?

Didn't boys who hated the thought of fatherhood speak up and beg their girlfriends to abort or leave? Had I done anything at all to indicate I didn't want that baby? I was one hundred per cent thrilled about the pregnancy. I hadn't pushed her to be, because I never wanted to rock the boat.

Clearly I was at fault for not doing something to show how much I wanted it.

I could have bought something, a crib, a baby blanket, a little outfit, a fluffy toy. Then she would have known for sure. Nobody could have convinced her otherwise.

Just to make sure my life was complete and utter shit, God blessed Jasper and Alice with a baby conceived on their honeymoon so now I got to watch my sister bloom with child. The due date was only three days behind our due date.

I saw right away, here was the substitute child. The baby I was forced to welcome into our family and into my heart no matter what. Not my child, not the baby I wanted. But a baby never the less and one I could not avoid.

My therapist had me working through some strategies for coping. None of them helped.

Every night I dreamed about spending my night in Bella's arms and I played with our baby.

She was a perfect little girl. She had Bella's shaped face and we were waiting to see which color her baby blue eyes would turn. Would they be the emerald green Bella hoped for, or the pools of melted chocolate like her mothers, that I voted for?

Would her straight, messy black hair fall out and be replaced by her brown locks or my mess of coppery tinged hair?

Would she be tall like me or short like her mother? Would she be beautiful like Bella?

I would never be able to think of Bella as anything but beautiful. No matter what she had done, I had to forgive her and finally that day came.

Alice went into premature labor and produced a three pound ten ounce son. As I stood and gazed at my nephew, I felt something shift in my chest and I knew Bella had never imagined that early pregnancy as a real, live baby like the one who fought for his life in front of us. She had probably never held a baby and to her, what she carried was a pregnancy, a conception, a bundle of cells, but not a real, live little baby.

Jasper was devastated that his son had to fight so hard to stay but I pointed out, he had a good chance. I knew enough medicine growing up in Carlisle's house, to know this baby had a very good chance of survival. He had not needed to be resuscitated when delivered, he had breathed alone from the start, not needing any ventilation, he was stable and digesting Alice's breastmilk. He had not lost more than an ounce or two in his first few days and he was already over four pounds, at less than a month in age.

He was in an incubator but only to keep his body temperature constant as so far, he had no control over it. That was normal for newborns and his little head was always covered in a little blue baby beanie hat. We all wondered if he had Jaspers curls or Alice's brown hair but they refused to tell us and said we could just wait and see.

I decided to take advantage of my status as famous doctor's son and snuck in early one morning to see if I could catch a nurse bathing young Jasper junior. I approached the viewing window and signaled to the nurse inside to come to the door. I knew her, as luck would have it. Since I had calmed down and learned to control my hurt and anger, I finally had a few good friends now. I still couldn't date or even look at any woman as a possible partner but Emmett told me that would come with time.

I didn't care. Nobody could replace Bella in my heart.

But this pretty nurse, Bree, was someone I considered a friend so I asked her to allow me in to see baby Jasper. Alice had nicknamed him JJ of course, but I refused to play and called him by his given name.

"You are a naughty uncle, Edward. I shouldn't be allowing you in. Lucky you paid for our round of drinks the other night."

I still went to bars with the others, I just had to stick to sodas, and virgin Mary's. My smoking had lessened down to a pack each three days. I felt I was doing well, considering. I had not turned to drugs, tempting as that had been. They were a dead end and I do mean dead.

I had seen too many bodies already, with telltale needle tracks or missing septums, to want to travel down that path and I sincerely doubted I would get any relief or comfort from them anyway.

Too temporary, too fleeting. I was not in a position to use on a daily basis, with my course and musical practicals so better not to even go there.

"Are you going to bathe baby Jasper this morning?" I asked.

He was usually bathed every second day and just washed alternate days as he still struggled to not lose body heat when taken out of his plastic bubble.

"Yes, he is first on the list. Let me guess, you want to do it."

The idea had not crossed my mind but now I knew it was what I wanted.

"Yes, please."

I smirked at the very thought I would get to bathe him before either of his parents had.

Bad Edward.

Bree set up the bath and tested the water and I gingerly removed his clothes and diaper and lastly, his hat. Blond curls sprang to life as the soft little hat was removed.

"Get a photo or two of this, Bree" I requested and she reached for the camera usually reserved to photograph parents first time experiences with their premmies.

I planned to print out some copies and hand them to Jasper and Alice when they got her to visit this morning.

They were always here at 9am so I had to get a move on.

I lifted him out and placed him gently in the warm water and the flash alerted me Bree was doing as asked.

"Look at me and smile, Uncle Edward" she chortled.

I smiled and faced her and she snapped a couple more shots while I washed the baby quickly and got him dried and dressed before he could turn cool. His new yellow hat went over the mop of hair we had rubbed dry.

I got him back into his safety bubble of warmth and smiled through the plastic at him.

"Gorgeous boy." I said, and wished my chest would stop clenching.

I glanced up to see if any of the eager parents had arrived yet as Alice was always first and froze at the woman watching me through the glass observation window.

"Bella" I cried and headed for the door.

She had disappeared so fast I couldn't believe my own eyes. Had I imagined her?

I turned and saw a shocked Alice standing stock still in the hallway.

"Edward, was that..."

"Bella" I confirmed and pushed past my sister to race outside.

Jasper caught me as I tried to pass him.

"No, bro. Let her go."

"Jasper, let me go. I have to speak to her."

"Edward, there is something you need to know."

There was nothing I needed to know. I just wanted to speak to my wife.

I struggled and he held my wrists in a vice like grip that belied his thin build. Jasper was exceptionally strong.

"She is pregnant again." he said, stopping my struggles immediately.

She had moved on? Already?

I turned and walked to the break room and sat down on a chair and found myself weeping as I had not in many weeks now.

Jasper sat down beside me and rubbed my back. Strangely, I longed for contact so much I allowed myself to relax at his touch.

Alice sat awkwardly and kept glancing at my tears and rubbing the back of my hand.

"I can't believe she came here. She must have known you would be here. How did she even know about JJ? Have you been in contact with her, Edward?"

I shook my head in denial.

"How pregnant is she?" I asked, having not seen more than her head and shoulders myself.

Alice drew an imaginary belly onto herself.

"Five or six months."

Our baby would have been due in four more weeks.

Six months and four weeks equals seven months. She had conceived a mere few weeks after the termination? Maybe she had regretted it so much she was trying to replace our baby. Maybe it was another little mistake and she was keeping it this time.

Why couldn't she have kept out baby instead?

BELLA'S POV

My doctor had requested a new type of 3D scan so I had to have an appointment at the hospital nearest the college but I was sure nobody I knew would have reason to be there.

I had stayed with Renee and Phil for about five months then made my way back in case Edward had a change of heart and wanted to be there at the birth of our child. I had gone to his apartment building but he had moved away, as had both Alice and Rose. I had no way of finding where they had all gone. A mutual acquaintance whose name escaped me no matter how hard I tried to recall it, ran into me in the mall. She told me she heard Edward was a father. I was about to confirm that when I realized, she wasn't talking about me and my baby. Clearly she had no idea this baby inside me was his as she was talking too freely.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, one of my friends is a little crazy about him but he never dates and she followed him into town one day and he was buying little blue baby clothes. She overheard the baby was premature, Edward was asking advice on what sized clothes to buy. A boy. She gave up chasing him after that."

I was stunned. He had another baby already? How premature, exactly? When was it conceived, for Heavens sake. A baby conceived early enough to survive its premature birth must have been made pretty damn smartly after I left.

Why did he want another baby? He could have had ours.

Maybe it was simply a problem with who the mother was.

I wondered if he had found someone else to love that quickly. Maybe he hadn't loved me as much as he had always insisted.

Maybe he simply had to move on and this little baby boy of his was no more planned than ours was.

He had learned his lesson and stood by this one.

My heart tried to break yet again but I refused to allow it and made my way up to the hospital.

The scan was fascinating and I saw the babys little face as clearly as a photograph.

"Your doctor says here in this letter the baby seems undersized for dates. Are you positive when the baby was conceived?"

"Yes, no doubts," I answered. I handed over the earlier sonogram photos including the ones after the almost abortion.

"Oh, look at that. She is just a tiny little girl". She smiled at me.

"I think she has simply taken after her mother and is just a small baby. She measures correctly within the guideline range for that age."

"So, she is okay?"

"Sure, everything is fine. I don't think you will have much longer to wait until she joins us on the outside."

"Four weeks" I answered.

"Well, I will fax my findings to the doctor and you can hand him these photos" she said, handing me a dozen or so print outs of the baby.

I collected the older ones as well and put them all in my purse, knowing I would spend hours gazing at these new glimpses of our daughter.

Lucky Edward. A new son and soon a new daughter.

I wondered what his son was named and I deliberately wandered past the prem baby unit and peered in. I was shocked still when I saw Edward as he was speaking to a nurse as he undressed his little son in an incubator and I couldn't force my legs to walk away.

I watched as he gently lifted the little baby out and placed him in the water. The nurse snapped off some photos, as I knew they always did for parents of prem babies. Those parents had to wait before they could take their babies home so the staff always tried to give them as many photos as they could, so they had at least something to bond with when they had to go home empty handed.

The baby was small but not as tiny as I had pictured. I felt a stab of pain. He must have been made so soon after I left. There was no other explanation. I refused to consider he had been conceived while we were still married and living together but that had been such a brief time, maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions.

I watched in fascination as Edward dried and dressed the little boy and rubbed his hair dry. Thick blond untidy hair. Not Edward's hair color but definitely wild and messy like his.

He pulled a little yellow hat over the curls and I tried to picture the mother. She must be blond.

I watched Edward as he spoke to his son through the perspex walls of the incubator and read his lips.

Gorgeous boy.

I froze as he raised his eyes and caught sight of me. Quickly I ran from the hallway and bolted towards the door.

Jasper and Alice were just entering the main door and they both stopped and stared at me.

Visiting their little nephew no doubt.

I rushed past and saw Alice's shocked glance at my stomach.

Why did they look so surprised? They must remember my baby was due soon too.

Maybe they had forgotten I was pregnant. How inconvenient I had turned up again now, just when Edward was happy and settled with someone else. With his new family.

I would not interfere and I would not rock the boat and ask him if he wanted to see his daughter born. And I would not be coming into this hospital for the delivery after all.

I needed to find another hospital that would accept me at short notice.

Maybe I should spend some of Carlisle's money at last. I had managed without it, by living with Renee and Phil, and working full time. I had some health insurance. I would manage somehow, maybe accept the loan Charlie kept trying to make me take.

The baby came first and she needed to be delivered safe and sound. Renee and I had bought a very basic layette for her and she would have the necessities, just not many luxuries but she would have me, and Renee was willing to have me move back in after the birth, and Charlie had offered the same. We would have somewhere safe to go. I just wasn't sure if I wanted to risk raising her in Forks, with Carlisle and Esme living so close by.

Gossip would soon flood the little town and I didn't want to cause Edwards new wife or whatever she was, any embarrassment by flaunting his other child in her face, or her in laws face so I guess I take up Renee's offer and not Charlie's.

I drove back to the motel and lay down on the bed and wondered what to do. I cannot fly, obviously, so I am stuck here until the baby is born.

I surely would be able to avoid the Cullens and Whitlock's if I stayed away from the college and the hospital and obviously I would not be visiting any of the clubs and pubs they liked.

These days, I was ready for bed by nine pm and slept like a log. No doubt my body was getting prepared for what lay ahead when sleep would be a luxury.

The week passed slowly and I paid for another week and sat back and waited. I had learned to knit but I was very slow and the baby would be too big for the tiny bootees by the time I finished the second one. The first one had turned out great, little and pink and perfect. The second was causing me a headache and had been unraveled twice already and re knitted.

I was determined my daughter would have one pair of mom made bootees so I persevered and finally it was done and almost as neatly as its pair.

I slowly stitched it up and inserted the pink ribbon as Renee had taught me. I was lucky as she had taken a knitting course that included a retreat for three weeks and she had returned with a bag full of tiny handmade garments that she and some of the other women, had made. Some of them just went because they enjoyed knitting and the company of other knitters so I was the lucky one who got the fruits of their labors.

Whenever I thought of the baby being born, I tried to picture her and the possible colorings she would have so I could settle on a name for her. I didn't want to be the mom of that baby that had no name for weeks after birth.

I liked Zoe and Emma.

I tried to figure out which of the two Edward would prefer but I guess he is having the same dilemma over naming his son. Maybe he was named Edward jnr.

At first, I had thought our baby would be a boy. I had pictured him with copper hair and big green eyes and felt like I almost knew him so it was a little unsettling to find out she was in fact, a little girl.

Lucky in a way as I was planning on naming him after his father, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen Swan.

He may have been ten before he could write his entire name!

I had nicknamed him Masen as it would have been too painful having to call him Edward every day.

Anyway, that problem was over. Now I need to settle on a girls name.

I still wanted to put both Rose and Alice in her name because before this all fell apart, they were the closest friends I ever had.

Maybe I should forget this plan and name her after my crazy high school friend, Victoria. She had ended up married to James and they had two kids. Some plans and hopes and dreams do work out. I had seen their little son Laurents birth announcement in the paper and it mentioned he had an older sister.

I was happy for her even though we had long lost touch with each other.

I had to go out today and buy some diapers and maybe feeding bottles and formula in case I was unable to breastfeed, although Renee assured me she was an excellent 'cow' and I was bound to follow in her footsteps and produce gallons of milk for my baby.

I walked to the nearest mall and was reading the many different diaper packets to try and find the most suitable for a small, newborn girl when a voice I knew as well as my own reached my ears.

I turned and there before me, standing in front of the cosmetic counter, was the stunningly gorgeous Rosalie Hale, accompanied as always by Emmett Cullen.

I wanted so much to talk to Rose, but I froze and waited to see if she noticed me so she would have the choice of whether she spoke to me or snubbed me and pretended she hadn't seen me.

"Bella" boomed Emmett, cancelling that option. He rushed to my side and stood, unsure what to do seeing he couldn't pick me up in his usual bear hug greeting.

"Emmett" I replied, delighted one person didn't appear to hate me.

I griined at him as he grinned at me.

"So, what's that you have in your belly? That didn't get in down your throat."

Same old Emmett.

"Your niece " I answered.

His smile faded.

"My niece?"

"For Heavens sake, what is it with you people? You all knew I was pregnant when Edward and I were briefly married. Why would the baby disappear just because he didn't want me or it? She still exists."

Rose stood there looking stunned.

"Bella. Edward said...he thinks...oh my God."

I stood and looked at her, frowning at her lack of speech.

Suddenly I felt distinctly damp and not in a good way. A rush of fluid poured from my body and I stiffened and blushed.

"Oh God, Emmett, call an ambulance or boil water or something. Bella is in labor!"

"Couldn't you just take me to the hospital?" I asked hopefully.

"Of course. Wait here. Emmett, go buy towels. Six large towels. Bath sheets. Now, honey."

Emmett snapped back to attention and rushed away.

A shop assistant with a mop and bucket approached and I apologized for the mess.

She was about fifty or so and unfazed by the whole thing, like this happened every day.

"Just don't be popping it out here.'I dont know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies, Miss Scarlett'."

Scarlett.

The perfect name for my baby.

I kissed her cheek and thanked her.

Rose edged me slowly towards the car park and chatted to Emmett on the phone as he asked about colors and sizes and she lost her cool and ordered him to grab six large towels and get the hell back here or she would put me in his jeep and allow me to mess up his upholstery.

He was beside us in a flash and we headed for the nearest hospital.

I sighed but figured Edward's son was probably released by now.

"Has your little nephew gone home from hospital yet?" I asked.

"Oh yes, JJ is The Boss of the house already."

JJ?

"What is his name really?" I asked.

"Jasper Junior" announced Emmett proudly.

Edward named his son Jasper Junior?

How strange.

A crippling pain hit my abdomen and removed all further questions from my mind.

I gasped and held my stomach.

Rose had rung the hospital and told them I was coming in and to be ready.

Then she smiled at me and rang another number.

"Edward. Get up to the hospital now. No, JJ is fine, at home in his crib I assume. I have a surprise for you. Meet me in Reception."

"No, Rose, I..."

Another contraction hit and shut me up.

Emmett helped me from the car and a nurse met us with a wheelchair and I gladly sat down and she pushed me inside and into the elevator.

"Stay with her Emmett. I have something to straighten out and then I will be right up."

"Emmett, you don't have to do that. They will be prepping me and won't let you in the room anyway. Stay with Rose."

He looked very relieved and scampered back to his lover.

I could do this alone. Why the heck was Rose telling Edward to come? I was his old family.

He had a new family now, The doors closed and I gripped the armrests as yet another pain hit.

**Please review. And I did realize too late my epic fail..that Edward is not a med student in this story so I have edited that out! Sorry..maybe I should write one story at a time! Cheers Lynzi**


	11. Chapter 11

**Ok, this is a little short and a little rushed but Victoria (and plenty of others) are nagging for the birth.. So here goes...**

The Wedding

Chapter 11

And Into This World Came....

BELLA's POV

The preps they did to me before taking me to the delivery room were uncomfortable and gross but the nurse assured me, I would be glad when it came to the actual birth as mothers who chose to forgo these procedures often had 'a messy delivery'. Enough said.

Finally I showered and made my way to Delivery and sat on the bed. Windows lined the whole outside wall and I watched the city alive and hectic ten floors below.

"Now, you may have up to three birth assistants but that includes the father, and if anyone else visits during labor, no more than six total visitors in the room and they can only stay ten minutes. Okay?"

Yeah, I really want six people seeing me push this watermelon out. I have no doubts that I will be one of those women who scream and throw things when the pain gets bad so I feel like apologizing in advance.

"I think my friend Rose may stay a little while but I have no desire to have her boyfriend watch me like this so I think we can safely say I can obey those rules."

"And the father?"

Oh how I wish I could say the father would be here, by my side, holding my hand and welcoming his daughter into the world.

"Um, its complicated."

"Oh, sorry. We hear that a lot, sadly. Oh well, you look like an independent woman, you can do this."

Suddenly I feel like talking.

"Actually, we were married when the baby was conceived and we split up fairly quickly and he has another family now. His son was born here a few weeks ago. A little premmie."

"Oh. Jasper Whitlock? He was married to you before Alice?"

Once upon a time, that question would have warmed my heart. Now it just confused my head.

"No."

"We have only had seven prems so far this year and the Whitlock baby was the only boy. We had six little girls in a row before that."

"Alice and Jasper have a son?"

"JJ. Jasper Junior. He is fine."

She laughed and shook her head.

"That Alice is such a sweetheart. She rings us if the baby sleeps an extra five minutes or wants an extra feed or has one more diaper than the day before. She will relax as he grows but it was pretty scary for them both. That gorgeous hunk of a brother of hers was up here as often as they were. My God, would I love to lock him in a cupboard somewhere and give him a regular check up. Do you know Edward?"

I had to bite my lip to stop myself screaming with laughter.

"Oh yes, I know Edward." I grinned.

"Oh crap. This isn't his..."

"It is." I smiled broadly.

"But Edward is single. He doesn't have a son."

"I think I got some misinformation. Someone told me Jasper's son was Edward's."

"To his sister???"

"No, no, I mean, they just said Edward had a premmie son. I saw him in the Special care Nursery with what was clearly his nephew and assumed it was his son."

"I became quite close to Alice seeing she was in here practically 24/7 for seven weeks. She actually told me Edward's wife ...."

Crap. My reputation precedes me.

"I was convinced I was doing the right thing for Edward by having a termination but it didn't work and I regretted it immediately and when they discovered it didn't work, it was the best moment of my entire life."

"So, this baby.."

"is that baby."

"But Edward doesn't know? He was heartbroken. Why didn't you tell him it didn't work?"

"I didn't know he even knew I went to that clinic. His father was the one who talked me into it and paid for it. He promised he would not tell anyone. Clearly, his promises mean nothing."

"But Edward kicked you out over it?"

"Oh I told you it was complicated. I thought he kicked me out over something else. Another stupid misunderstanding."

"Oh, the Jasper thing."

God, was nothing sacred? Wasn't there something about patient confidentiality or medical ethics or something?

"Yes, the Jasper thing."

"So, do you still love Jasper? That would make things tricky."

"No, I have woken up from that delusion since the day at the clinic. You know, as bad and horrific as that day was, it made me realize I had a real baby inside me and it made me acknowledge I didn't love Jasper but I did love Edward and his baby."

"You love Edward? Girl, you need to tell him that. He has been so sad since you went. Alice cries over him all the time She sat here for hours, trying to learn how to breastfeed that little boy and we talked about everything. I think she could write my family history. So, I hope this isn't freaking you out that I know so much."

"Actually...."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! God damn it. Do something. Sweet Jesus that motherfucking hurts!"

"Oh, time for the drugs. Epidural? Gas? We have a new injectable that works like a charm, on most patients. Nothing but happiness and sensations but no pain."

"No pain. I want it. Now ."

She left the room and soon returned as I writhed in agony.

"Now, on a very few patients, this doesn't work so well and its like going on a trip. Do you want to chance it?"

"Will the pain go?"

"Oh yes, no pain but a few women feel like they aren't here and are off on a rainbow or something."

"God yes. I want the rainbow."

She injected into the drip line she had previously set up and I felt a feeling like ice was entering my veins and taking over from my warm blood.

But it felt good. The pain was receding and thats all that mattered.

My eyelids fluttered and closed and I smiled as the unicorn slid down the rainbow. Yes, I got the rainbow she had promised..

EDWARD'S POV

I hung up and wondered what Rose had in mind now. Her tone of voice betrayed she thought I was going to love her surprise and I was sorry I would disappoint her because love is no longer part of my life.

I showered and changed in case I was being taken out to dine or something, though why Rose would think a new restaurant would thrill me was beyond my imagination.

I drove to the hospital and wondered why the heck she chose for us to meet here, of all places. Unless we were taking some of the staff who had cared for Alice and baby Jasper out for lunch? We did talk about that. I sat still. Was Rose matchmaking? She had better not be trying to hook me up with any of those nurses. They were medical professionals, they would recognize me for the broken piece of baggage that I am.

I decided to play along but if Rose was matchmaking , I would announce I was coming out of the closet and embracing gayness or something. Joining a monastery. Pledging abstinence. Well, I had done that already. Unintentionally. I could not look at other women at all and see myself with them.

Nobody knew this, but I had taken a woman home a few months ago, after the rage receded and the pain was under control somewhat, fully intending to go back to my old way of coping. Sex from the back, imaging Bella in my head and my bed. And now I had actual images to flashback with.

Once I got the new substitute into my bed, I had sat there and done nothing. She had asked me what was wrong but I couldn't explain. She smelt wrong. How do you tell a woman who comes home with you to let you fuck her, she smells wrong?

Not bad, in fact, she smelled quite pretty, flowery, but not the right flowers. I just couldn't even touch her, let alone kiss her. Or fuck her.

I never tried again.

Before I had been with Bella, I had no idea how she smelled when she was naked and aroused in my bed. So I could use the substitutes. I could close my eyes and pretend. But after she was gone, her scent stayed in my head and its still there. I occasionally allow myself close enough to sniff a woman discretely, but they never smell like Bella. She must be unique.

Of course she is, I always knew that.

I don't harbor any feelings of hate towards her now. I still feel incredibly sad about the baby and about us, never getting a real chance, and I miss her, every minute of every day, I miss her. Nights are worse but some nights, I dream of her and sometimes of the baby girl as well, and we are all one happy family.

Since she turned up at the hospital two weeks ago, I expected the dreams to stop, seeing she belongs to someone else now and is having his baby, but no. I still have my dreams and I forget in my sleep that she moved on. She will always be mine in slumber.

I walked into Reception and Rose was waving me over and jumping on the spot , reminding me of Alice, but this was not how Rose behaves. She is always repressed, calm, dignified. What the hell has happened to her? Emmett is sitting nearby, grinning like a lunatic. Okay, clearly they have taken up drug use.

"Edwarddd' she sang. Rose. Is it Rose? I feel like asking to see this womans id as she must be a clone. She looks like Rose but she doesnt act or sound like any version of Rose I have ever met.

"Rose?" I reply.

She runs to close the few feet between us. She grasps my hands in hers and holds them between us.

"Edward, what would your dearest wish be?"

Don't go there, Rose. I shake my head. I don't care if she says I just won ten million dollars because I wouldn't care. At all.

"Please, Edward. Just say it. Imagine you could have anything at all you ever wanted."

Okay. This will hurt and I will hate saying this but here goes. Rose clearly has no idea the only two things I care about at all are gone. How this escaped her notice is beyond me. I have spent eight months crying and grieving and Rose thinks some material thing will make me happy?

"Okay Rose. I want my baby back. And I want my Bella back. Do you have your magic wand with you?"

"I do. Come upstairs."

Emmett is now standing behind me, patting my back so hard I fear he was dislocate my spine.

"She's here, Edward. Bella's here. In Delivery."

I stop and turn on them.

"What the fuck! You think I want to see Bella have some other man's child? What sort of sick, twisted..."

"Its your baby, bro. She never got rid of it. Its your kid. "

My jaw drops and I turn to Rose because Emmett is just grinning like a fool again.

"Rose?"

"We found Bella in a store and Emmett here asked her about her baby and she got really upset that we had all 'forgotten she was pregnant with your child'."

"What? That's impossible. She had it terminated."

"Clearly, she didn't. I can't explain, maybe someone lied or something but she is in Delivery and she is almost full term. Theres no way she could have terminated and gotten this pregnant in that time frame. The baby she is having is 38 weeks and three days along. I looked at her chart. They have scan photos and letters."

"You realize thats illegal" I blurt out. Like I care.

"Edward, she is about to give birth to your baby."

I want this dream to be real so badly I walk really quietly so I wont make a noise and wake myself up.

The nurse in charge is grinning like a fool, like Emmett.

"Well, if it isn't the Baby Daddy himself. Come on in, Mr Cullen and help me welcome your baby into this world."

All I want is the dream to last long enough for the baby to be born and for me to hold her in my arms and for me to kiss Bella's lips. Then I can wake up, if I have to. I would rather stay asleep but this is the best, most realistic dream yet.

She opens a door and there, propped up on a mountain of pillows, grinning and trying to keep her eyes open, is my Bella. My beautiful Bella. Swollen belly, monitors beeping, her bare feet sticking out from under the sheet covering her.

"Hello, Angel" she says.

BELLA'S POV

Oh, an angel just came into my dream. He is gorgeous and mouthwatering and perfect, so of course, he looks just like Edward. Theres light behind him and his hair is all mussed up and shiny and I reach over and touch it as he sits beside me on my bed.

"Hello, Angel" I sing. He smells just like Edward. Maybe Edward is an angel, too.

"Bella" he says in a velvety angel voice that sounds just like my Edward.

This is so perfect. I want to order some cases of this drug, to go. I want to take it home and use it to imagine Angel Edward's when life gets too fucking hard. I hear someone else speak and Angel Rose is here, too. How beautiful. I sigh. She looks just like Rose only sparkly and shiny. Then I see Angel Emmett...What the fuck! Angel Emmett? Why am I seeing Angel Emmett? Emmett is not a Heavenly creature, he is a big, soft teddy bear but he is nothing like an angel.

I glance around the room. The equipment all sparkles and shines and I sit up quickly and grab for a bowl as I throw up. God, I feel so weird.

I see a sparkly nurse push a button and an alarm sounds and a doctor appears and I am laid flat and they do things to my eyes with shiny lights and something warm is going into my veins on my hand and blackness pulls me under.

EDWARD'S POV

"What happened? What the fuck happened?"

"Allergic reaction to the pain killer. She is okay. Stable." He feels her pulse and counts her heartbeats.

The monitor on the baby is going a little beserk.

"Shit. Not so good."

"Nurse, call for a theater. We need to do a c section now."

I am pushed aside and someone drags me out of the room and nurses and orderlies are running and there's shouting of orders and next thing, Emmett has me in a hallway and is pushing me into a chair.

"Fuck, man. That was scary."

"God, Edward. I am so sorry. I should have called you after the birth when I knew it was all okay."

"Don't even think that, Rose. Bella needs me here. Thank you, so much."

I kiss a woman for the first time in months and I genuinely feel affection for her.

Rose smiles shyly at me and I finally see what Emmett sees in her. Her looks are obvious but I always found her to be cold and calculating and heartless, even. Now I see compassion and caring and love. We have come a long way, me and Rose.

The nurse opens a door and beckons me in.

"Daddy only, sorry folks."

"Go, Edward" encourages Rose.

"Good luck, bro" says my brother.

I am gowned and masked and shown where to stand. Bella is lying, arms widespread, tied like she is on a cross. There are sheets and masked doctors and we watch and wait as they cut my baby from my wife.

An annulment is a piece of paper. It changes nothing. She married me, therefore she is my wife.

Its faulty anyway because the annulment assumes the marriage wasn't consummated. Carlisle may have let that little lie slip through just to speed things up. Thr proof it was consummated takes her first shaky breath and screams into the room, arms spread as wide as Bella's, legs kicking, eyes screwed up against the harsh lights. She is beautiful and perfect and mine.

They hand her to a nurse, and they lay her on a trolley and a doctor listens to her heart as she cries and she is cleaned up a little and has her nose and mouth cleared and she is wrapped and a little pink beanie is pulled over the mass of untidy black hair and she is in my arms. The nurse pulls my mask down off my face and lets it hang below my chin.

I gaze at my baby's little heart shaped Bella face. Exactly like she was in my dreams. She was always trying to tell me she was still here. Why didn't I listen?

She doesn't cry while I hold her, she gazes at me and keeps eye contact. Its like she knows the secrets of the universe. She sucks a finger and smacks herself in the face with her other hand as it waves out of her control.

My heart is so full I fear it will explode but then, I realize, it is simply expanding, to fit in all the love I have for this little person.

I tenderly kiss her little face and smile at her, my daughter.

This is no dream, this is reality and its the best reality in the universe.

She snuggles into me and I sit and hold her close.

I only ever cradled one other female like this, with love and joy.

They finish suturing up Bella's belly and the doctor shakes my hand as I thank him for saving our little miracle and he grins and says its all part of the service. Bella moans quietly as they dress her wound and prepare to push her out to Recovery. I follow, with our daughter. Rose and Emmett are waiting and I show them their niece. Rose bursts into tears and Emmett just grins like, well, like Emmett.

"Should I ring Charlie? And Renee? And Esme?" asks Rose.

"No, I want to do that. later. They aren't expecting news today, I want to tell them myself. You can go and tell Alice and Jasper though."

I know Rose just wants to be part of this happy event after all the drama and sadness and tears. I have to let her have some part.

She kisses my cheek just as I kissed hers before and she and Emmett take a photo with her phone and leave.

It seems surreal, my daughters face will be on facebook before her mother even wakes and sees her.

I sit beside Bella's bed and wait for her to wake up. The nurse checks her every ten minutes and then another nurse approaches and asks if she can bathe the baby.

"I want to keep her here until her mother sees her" I explain and she smiles and leaves, saying she will be back later.

Bella starts to moan and move around a little so I take her hand and kiss it, savoring her scent. She is mine. I don't care about what happened or didn't happen. I don't care who lied or why she left or what she did. She didn't kill my child and I love her.

"Edward?"

"Sweetheart. Here's our little girl. You did good."

I place the baby along her chest so she can see her and touch her.

"She's beautiful." says Bella, in awe.

"She is. She is just like her mother."

Bella begins to cry and I am shocked at the intensity of emotion. Its not a soft, happy cry, its filled with sorrow and regret and anger.

"Edward, I let them try and kill her."

I stand still and wonder what happened that day.

"Shh, love. Plenty of time to talk later. She is alive and safe and you saved her."

I hope she saved her. I hope she called a halt to the abortion. That must be what happened, right?


	12. Chapter 12

The Wedding

Chapter 12

Our Daughter, Gabriella Coppertop.

EDWARD'S POV

Sitting beside the bed in Bella's private room, I watched her sleep and marveled at having her back with me. I want to just enjoy her and enjoy our baby and not go into the details that may take them from me again.

I just don't know if this is one of those times when it truly is better not to ask.

I hate that I opened my heart to her and accepted her love for Jasper and she still believed I threw her out over that, over loving someone.

Why would I punish her for something I was doing myself?

Why on earth would she think I could be so heartless and cruel? Hadn't I taken her into my home and my heart, knowing already she loved him? Why would I suddenly give up on her, on us, and make her homeless?

The one and only reason I did what I did was because I believed she let them kill our baby. That was the one thing that made me turn against her and to me, that is an understandable if not reasonable reason.

For now, I am putting it all behind us, and one day I will be forced to open the box I packed all these thoughts into and examine them properly but for now, my wife and daughter need me and I need them.

A nurse took me down to the nursery and allowed me to bathe my daughter just as I bathed my nephew a couple of weeks ago. Her body mass is a lot more than his, she feels quite solid and I wonder how soon he will catch up with her. They will be great friends, growing up together. They will have each other's friendship from the start of their lives.

Just like Jasper and Bella, I think, sad at how that ended up for them.

She has her eyes open so I keep eye contact and sing to her quietly as I wash her. The mass of thick black hair is a challenge to get clean, as it has dried with the birth fluids in it and when its rinsed, and dried, it puffs out around her head like a dandelion flower. She is so beautiful.

Dressing her in tiny pink garments, I feel my heart dance with this truly unexpected blessing. I have my daughter, safe and well and alive.

I want to shout from the rooftops. I want everyone to know, the child whose death I mourned so hard and so long, is alive and in my arms.

I carry her to the window and show her the view of the city below.

"Oh will you look at that. She is going to be a coppertop" says the nurse and I look down and sure enough, the natural sunlight through the glass shows my hair color is already hidden in amongst the black baby hair, threads of gold and copper mixed in between the ebony.

"Check her eyes, some babies have little flecks of their future eye color."

I had hoped for brown but we both spot the emerald green already.

"Bella gets her wish" I say, smiling that despite our fucked up circumstances, nobody will question that this little Princess is truly mine. For that reason, I am glad she has my coloring because people will gossip and make assumptions, I did that myself.

The perfect name comes into my head as I gaze at her face.

Gabriella.

Bella had told me she wanted me to choose the name. She had considered two or three names when she assumed she was raising the baby alone but once she awoke and knew I was really there, she begged me to choose the baby's name. It seemed important to her.

The baby was starting to squirm and she sucked noisily on her closed fist.

"Baby needs to be fed, Daddy. Is Bella going to breastfeed?"

I have no idea what Bella had planned.

We walk back to the room where Bella has just been washed and is lying awake, smelling clean and sweet again. The trauma of the delivery has left her very pale and also, she is far too thin. Now the baby bump is gone, I can see she is skin and bone. She must have worked long hours during the pregnancy to get into this state.

The nurse looks at me and raises her eyebrows. Obviously she is wondering if Bella's body can take on the additional strain of feeding this baby.

While I want what is best for this baby, I don't want anything to risk Bella's health.

Plenty of babies thrive on formula.

"I think I will get the doctor in for a consult before we decide anything" the nurse says to me as Bella is helped into her clean nightdress and she lays back against the pillows.

I walk to her side and hand her the baby and kiss her forehead.

My Bella. Back home, safe and sound.

That reminds me.

"Will you and the baby come home with me and live with me again, please?" I beg.

She looks uncomfortable but she smiles and agrees.

"For now. For as long as you want us."

I want to tell her how much she means to me and how we can overcome anything that has happened but as I fear that may not be the absolute truth, I say instead:

"Bella, I know we have to talk and discuss what exactly happened but I promise, I do love you unconditionally and I will never force you to leave again. I was cruel to you and so was Jasper and we do regret our actions just as you regret yours. But know that I love you and we can at least live together in the same apartment and raise this little miracle together."

"Edward, you aren't going to name her Miracle, are you?" she asks, frowning a little.

"No, but I have thought of the perfect name."

"What?" she asks eagerly.

"Gabriella. Brielle for short, maybe?"

"I love it" she replies, but I suspect she would have accepted whatever name I chose.

I know why she wanted me to name the baby. She is trying to give me gifts with true meaning and naming this baby is an honor. I appreciate the gesture. She wants me to know this child is mine as well as hers.

The doctor decides if Bella will drink the high calorie supplements he prescibes six times a day in addition to her meals, she may attempt to breastfeed but he wants the baby bottlefed at night so Bella gets some proper rest.

I immediately volunteer to stay overnight and do the bottle feeds.

"Only tonight, eager fathers have no idea how much value there is in a night of uninterrupted sleep, you should value these few nights before you take that baby home as golden. Sleep, sleep, and more sleep because you will need the memories of those nights to carry you through the next few months."

I have never slept much, unless Bella was lying in my arms , so the threat of broken nights doesn't bother me at all.

My nights will be full of being with the two females I love the most in this world.

I have to go home and arrange to swap my apartment for a three bedroom version which I know will not be a problem as the one bed units are in much more demand, being so close to campus, than the family sized units.

Family.

The nurse places a brochure on the table beside the bed.

"Birth certificate details, fill that in and hand it in at the desk please."

I read it through and know, no matter how I feel about him, that I have to ring my father. This won't be an easy conversation. I need our marriage annulment reversed and now.

It shouldn't be a drama, the annulment was based on non consummation of the marriage, a blatant lie but one I went along with at the time as I preferred to think we never made this baby only to have it destroyed like that.

"I guess I should ring my parents and yours. Unless you want to tell Charlie and Renee yourself?"

Secretly I would love it of she rings her father because he is obviously going to want to punch me in the face for abandoning his pregnant daughter in her time of need, I dare say he has no idea of the circumstances. I don't mind being the bad guy if it saves Bella the pain of having to explain why she did what she did. I don't think Charlie would be open to hearing how his daughter almost destroyed her own daughter.

Its a piece of knowledge I wish I could erase from my own head. I truly wish I had never known it even happened. We could have been a proper couple by now, we could have shared the pregnancy and birth and she would be booked in as Mrs Edward Cullen, not Miss Bella Swan.

"I guess I should ring Charlie. And Renee and Phil" she says and I hand her my cellphone then leave to use the public phone out in the hallway. Nobody is about, and I clear my throat and reign in the violence I always feel when I think of Carlisle.

"Hello. Esme Cullen"

Thank God.

"Mother. Its Edward."

"Hello dear. You sound happy."

"Oh I am happy. I have some news."

"Yes?"

She sounds kind of hesitant. I know she doesn't associate me and good news at all these days.

"Bella is back."

"Oh...that's good?" she asks a little warily.

"Very good. She had our baby this morning."

"Your baby? How.."

"I can't go there yet but the baby is alive and safe and was born this morning. She weighed eight pounds and she is 21 inches long. She has an insane mop of hair, just like baby Jasper, only hers is black and coppery. And she has flecks of green in her eyes already."

I know I am adding these details to confirm this is That Baby, my baby. Not some cuckoo in the nest.

"Your baby is alive? I am so happy, Edward."

I can hear the joy and relief in her voice. She knows what this means to me, for me. I have put her through hell lately. My reckless attitude to dying, my not caring about myself or how my actions affected them, I have been less than an ideal son to her.

"Oh heres your father, Edward."

She pauses and then whispers "Please."

"I do want to speak to Carlisle, actually" I tell her and she hands the phone over.

"Carlisle. The annulment. Can it be reversed?"

"Why would you want to do that, son?"

I cringe at the 'son' but keep talking.

"Bella returned to NY and she gave birth to my daughter this morning."

There is silence on the line.

"Bella gave birth to a baby this morning?"

"Not A Baby, our baby."

"The baby she..."

"That very baby. I don't know what happened and I dont care to, all I know is, that baby went to term and was delivered this morning, at 38 weeks gestation. She weighs eight pounds, she has my hair and eyes."

Silence.

"I cannot imagine the explanation. Dr Marcus never told me anything, patient confidentiality. I was under the impression she went through with it as I was billed for the recovery room use for three days. However, you say the baby has been born, I accept your word and your judgement. There is no time for this to be another child so it must be the truth."

"It is the truth. Now, can the annulment be cancelled or something? I want this baby to be a legitimate issue of our marriage."

"I will ring Aro, it will be done."

"Can I fill in the birth certificate with our mutual surname legally?"

"Yes, of course. Bella can call herself anything so long as she doesn't use a name intending to deceive or avoid debts."

"Good. Thank you."

"I am sorry, Edward. I truly regret my actions and I have tried to explain the circumstances."

"I did read your letter" I inform him.

I had avoided all contact with my father but I did read the letter he wrote, revealing what he said to Bella and how he convinced her she had to do that disgusting 'favor' for me. I will never forgive him, I just hope I can forgive her, in time.

"Tell Esme I will keep her updated. the baby's name is Gabriella, by the way."

"Well, congratulations Edward. I am truly happy it turned out this way. I hope you and Bella can work things out and be as happy as your mother and I were."

I know the 'were' refers to the many years of bliss they shared, until he did what he did. It had put as much strain on their marriage as it put on the father/ son relationship we shared.

Esme had lost their first baby to a stillbirth and she would never consider there was sufficient reason to have an abortion performed. She would have happily died to save her first son, had it been an option available to her.

I hoped Gabriella's birth would help mend the rift between them.

It is a unique situation, the dreadful pact between Carlisle and Bella , destroyed two relationships and now only time will show if those relationships are salvageable, with the new knowledge we now have.

I do need full disclosure before I can consider what Bella and I am now, and could be, in the future.

As I return to Bella's room, I find a nervous Jasper standing out of sight from the door, in the hallway and I can hear my sister oohing and ahhing over the baby.

I shake his hand and ask him if he is coming in.

"I can't face her. I treated her like dirt, Edward. There's no way she can ever forgive me."

God, this fucked up mess has to be fixed.

I grab his arm and we walk in.

Alice smiles at me and hands me my nephew as usual and I grin at his little face. Suddenly he feels tiny, after holding his somewhat larger cousin.

"Hello little Jasper. Your mom and I need to take you out for a walk in the fresh air so your daddy and Auntie Bella can kiss and make up."

Its so much easier, using this baby as a go between.

BELLA'S POV

Gabriella lay sleeping in her perspex crib so I had nothing to distract my hands as Jasper stood and faced me, his face showing regret and sorrow, as he hid his hands in his jeans pockets and moved from one foot to another.

"Bella, I misjudged you, and I was cruel and wrong."

" Jasper, you didn't misjudge me at all."

"Bella, I think the fact you just produced that baby shows I was so very wrong."

I swallowed and faced up to what I had to tell him.

"You were right, I did the worst possible thing, I betrayed my own child. I agreed to having her killed. The fact she survived is not down to me or my actions. I regretted it immediately, I knew I had done wrong but she survived despite me, not because of me."

"What happened?"he asked and moved closer and took my hands in his.

I shook them off, I didnt deserve his comfort or his pity.

"Edward and I had a conversation about my delusions about how you and I were meant to be together. I apologize for my complete dismissal of your marriage to Alice, I was completely disrespectful to you both."

He waved it away and smiled at me.

"Not necessary. Alice admitted she always knew and she dismissed it as a schoolgirl crush. I never knew, Bella. Believe me, I am sorry for my part in it. That night.."

I waved it away just as he had.

"I was obsessed and delusional."

"Okay, let's agree neither of us handled it well."

"Well, that night Edward pointed out he was just as obsessed with me as I was with you and we cried about how cruel life was and it got out of hand and he left to calm down. Carlisle rang, and pointed out some truths, that I was being deceitful staying in the marriage when I would never love Edward and pointed out, he would never leave while I stayed, and you know him, he wouldn't have ever left me, no matter how much it hurt him to stay. Anyway, he told me Edward didn't want the baby and I didn't want it either at that point. I hadn't thought of getting rid of it but I intended leaving it with Edward once it was born and so, his words made sense. What right did I have to escape and leave Edward trapped into raising a baby he never wanted, born to a woman who never loved him?

So, long story short, I went to the clinic and had the abortion. Afterwards, I woke up screaming for them to stop but it was over. I was so sorry and completely devastated but I had to face up to what I had done. Then a miracle occurred and the doctor told me they had missed the embryo and it had to be redone. I didn't want that, I knew by then I did love the baby so I refused the second procedure. The doctor told me not to let my heart rule my head, but as my head was not capable of making the right decision, I had to let my heart rule.

All my stupid delusions were suddenly gone, I knew what Edward had shown me was real love and devotion and I wanted it, I wanted him. You were suddenly just my friend, at last.

They did scans and kept me on bedrest for 3 days. I took the scan photos home to show Edward. I was going to tell him what I did and how sorry I was, how I loved and wanted the baby, how I loved him, but my bags were in the hallway. As Carlisle swore he wouldn't tell anyone, I didn't know Edward knew, or you knew. I thought you both rejected me for my stupid crush on you.

I went and lived with Renee, I got a job, I survived in a basic way. I could hardly eat and I had nightmares every night about the clinic. Then I came back in case Edward had changed his mind and wanted to be at the birth."

Jasper held my hands and kissed my knuckles again.

"So it all ended how it was meant to. The baby survived. You didn't allow the second abortion attempt, you did save her."

"It will never make up for allowing the first one though."

"Maybe not, but its you who is suffering. Does Edward know all this?"

"I do now" said a voice I loved but didn't want to hear at that point in time.

EDWARD'S POV

Alice had deserted me, to go visit the nurses who had helped her with baby Jasper while he was new and fighting for his survival, wanting them to see how chubby he now was and how he thrived on her milk after the many difficulties she had endured managing to feed him despite his tiny initial size, and his weak efforts. It had been an ongoing battle for her to establish a supply when the baby was so undemanding. I decided to check all was going smoothly between Jasper and Bella.

Peering in the high window, I saw her shake Jaspers hands from hers.

I stopped outside the door and I shamelessly eavesdropped on their conversation and so, heard Bella's confession.

I was shocked and shaken to the core to hear she had gone ahead. That Gabriella survived by the grace of God, not because her mother saved her.

She did what she did, she thought she was doing the right thing, she made a massive error in judgement and God forgave her and saved our child so can I truly condemn her and if so, at what price? If I can't forgive her, then we are done. Over.

I walked in and admitted I had heard her.

Jasper rose and kissed Bella's cheek and slipped out the door.

I sat in the chair he had, and held her hands as she cried and I cried and I wondered if there was any hope for a future for us now.

"I'm so sorry, Edward" she repeated over and over.

Gabrielle lay there, alive and safe, so did what happened even matter?

Of course it did.

If the abortion had worked, would I have ever wanted Bella back?

I had missed her but the grief for the baby had overtaken every other emotion.

I had regretted the fact we never had a chance, never found each other, that she never loved me.

Well, by her own words, she loved me now. Was it enough?

If I wanted there to be any hope, any chance for us, we needed to move on and try and become friends first then see if anything further was possible.

No sex, that was off the table.

I did not want to be her fuckbuddy.

I wiped her tears away with my thumbs and kissed her cheek.

She was still my Bella, no matter what.

I had to remember, she was the only woman I had ever had any feelings for, if we didn't make it, I knew there was nobody else out there for me.

I would be choosing an eternity alone.

I would be condemning our child to growing up in a broken home, right from the start of her life.

"I think we have to try and put this behind us. I promise to try to not dwell on it, and you may have to pull me out of it sometimes, Bella. I will slip into a funk at times. I know myself, I know I brood and over think and I hope we can survive this. I really do. I love you and I love our daughter and although I hate what you did, I know you did it for what you thought was the right reason. One of the problems I had before , was I assumed you did it because you hated me so much."

"I didn't love you then, but I didn't do it out of hate, believe me."

"I do, Bella."

"What's going to happen, Edward?' she asked in a small frightened voice.

"You are going to get well and come home with me. I am going to get us a three bedroom apartment.

You can have your own bedroom and Gabriella will have hers too, and I will have mine. We will try to live together and raise this wonderful child and in time, maybe we can be something more."

She smiled weakly at me and I patted her hand.

"I changed everything, didn't I?"

"Are you asking if you destroyed my love for you?"

"Yes."

"Then, lets say, you put it onto a knife edge and it could go either way. I want us to be a family and fall in love with each other and be happy but if that can't happen, then we just have to agree to care for each other the best we can. We both made mistakes and hurt each other. Are we fixable? I don't know. I truly don't. I want us to be. Do you?"

"Of course I do. I love you and the baby so much. I can't stand what I did. I hate myself so much."

"Bella"

I lay beside her on her bed and pulled her into my arms.

She was paying such a high price for her mistake.

"I feel like I lost my soul" she whispered and my heart bled for her.

After the nurse administered more pain medication, Bella slipped into an uneasy sleep and sure enough, she started to cry out as a nightmare took over her dreams so I rubbed her back and rocked her against me and kissed her face.

She deserved a second chance and I wanted her pain to stop.

I got my second chance, why shouldn't she?

I stayed that night and introduced my daughter to bottle feeding. She furrowed her forehead and refused to suck at first but hunger over ruled determination and she drained the bottle dry once she got the hang of it.

"Not as good as mom's milk but it has to do at nighttime, sweetheart. Mommy has to sleep and heal because we both love her and need her."

The next morning, I slipped out and got the new apartment sorted and Jasper and Emmett helped me move out of my apartment and into the new one. It would do for a while, until we saw how things worked out.

If we stayed a family, I wanted us to have a house and a yard and maybe a dog. I wanted the white picket fence and the wife and daughter to greet me when I got home.

If things didn't work out, well, we would have given it our best shot.

I want to be in Bella's life in some capacity forever so if we don't make it, I hope we stay friends.

Rose was a Godsend at this time. She completely took over the new apartment after parting me from my platinum card. She furnished a bedroom for Bella, had it painted and new drapes hung and did the room in shades of blue and chocolate brown. It looked amazing.

My room was in browns and greens, and I let her do it too, seeing she enjoyed this so much.

The third bedroom I was locked out of but I saw glimpses of bubblegum pink paint and knew she was creating the girliest nursery ever for Gabriella.

Rose loved her new vocation and spend more time there in that apartment than I did.

I enlarged some photos I took of Bella with the baby and had them framed and put them on her bedroom walls.

Rose took some photos of the three of us, so in future, we had reminders we were a family of sorts, at this point in time anyway. I wanted Gabriella to know her parents had shared strong feelings and did put her needs first, before our own.

When Bella's room was done, Rose unpacked the bags we had retrieved from the motel and put Bella's clothes away

"Edward, I know she was hard up, but she owns nothing nice at all. Doesn't she think she deserves nice things?"

I looked through her small collection of clothing. All were generic, cheaply made, dull colors, badly styled.

Rose was right.

I handed the card back to her.

"You know her size?"

"Of course."

"Then fill that closet with whatever you think she would like, please. And the baby needs things. I know you have ordered the furniture but theres only this one small bag of baby clothes. Surely she will need more?"

"I think we forgot how little income Bella ever had. Charlie and she struggled to pay their bills and it looks like nothing has changed. She worked 12 hours a day, Edward, for the whole pregnancy, waiting tables and in the library. No wonder she is so tired and thin."

I felt terrible, knowing money had never been an issue for us. My parents had 'more money than God" and each of us had several trust funds. As extravagant as even Alice was, she never touched the principle, just the interest and she spent a lot of money on clothes and possessions.

Baby Jaspers nursery featured a hand restored carousel horse from an actual old carousel, that she paid about $17,000 for. To her, it was a reasonable thing to buy. Bella would never have consider it at a tenth of the cost. She had never known financial security and that's one thing I could change for her.

I phoned the bank and arranged for her to have her own platinum card on my account, Mrs Bella Cullen, as secondary card to my own. I hoped she would use it and enjoy having money for change. I wanted to support her and our daughter and I refused to consider it when she wanted to get a part time job to pay her own way.

I took my latest bank statements in, to show her it was completely irrelevant to me, how many people I supported.

"You are my wife. Unless you demand a divorce, I am responsible for supporting you and Gabriella, and we agreed to give us a chance, right? Your job is to look after our daughter and yourself, and get fit and well again."

I handed over the marriage certificate, now legal again.

She blushed and handed it back.

"Why did you do that?"

"Because our daughter was conceived in our marriage and I want her to always know that."

She accepted my explanation and didn't press for any other details. I filled in and filed the birth certificate.

Name:Gabriella Rose Alice Cullen.

Father: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, aged 22.

Mother: Isabella Marie Swan Cullen,aged 22.

We were young and had just about every odd against us but I was determined we would give this our best try. One step at a time.

My phone rang and our next challenges announced themselves.

All the grandparents were on their way.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N No whining, its short for a reason.**

The Wedding

Chapter 13

Regrets, I've had a few.

EDWARD'S POV

The next day at the hospital, alarm bells started to go off in my head. I knew some women slipped into a state of mild depression around now, and so I was prepared for it to happen to Bella. But she seemed to be more depressed than I had expected and I actually looked forward to my father arriving so he could assess her and tell me whether she was in the normal range or whether she was becoming one of the few women for whom childbirth became a trip to hell. Post natal depression is a terrible condition and I prayed my wife was not going down that path.

She was trying to avoid pain medication yet I knew she was still in a whole lot of agony, as she often cried out when she moved and she had to get out of bed and walk and sit up on a chair, to prevent blood clots forming, but it was an agonizing essential torture. The silent tears would stream down her face but apart from when she cried out involuntarily, she never complained and she even argued about the pain relief prescribed for her.

I wondered why she was so resistant to the only way she could be relieved of this discomfort and saw, she was punishing herself.

This was like the clothes thing. Although she had few baby clothes, they were good quality and pretty colors and bright and cheerful prints but her own clothes were dull and sober and unattractive. Did she think she deserved nothing better?

Was Rose right?

When Rose visited her and told her about the new jeans and skirts and blouses and jackets she had bought her, Bella merely asked if Rose had kept the receipts. I at first thought, she was just asking in case she needed to exchange something that wasn't to her taste, then it hit me, she had no intention of wearing them.

When Rose asked about boots and shoes, as her aim today was to purchase new footwear for Bella, Bella simply told her not to bother.

"Don't waste your time and his money."

Rose told her about her new bedroom and Bella listened and nodded her head and said it sounded nice and suitable for a guest room. She didn't see it as her own bedroom.

Did Bella think so little of herself now, she wanted to suffer and be punished for her crime?

I wanted to get her help and wondered how to go about it.

I was glad when my parents were the first to arrive and I pulled Carlisle aside while Esme headed in, arms full of roses and gifts, to see Bella.

"Dad, I know we all have many issues and problems but I need us to put everything aside for now. Bella is acting strangely and I think she is headed for a full blown depression if someone doesn't head it off."

"Edward, its normal for new moms to have the baby blues. Their bodies were full of hormones that have now disappeared. Its like drug withdrawal, a sudden ending of the supply of what made them feel good."

"I fear its more. I want you to observe her and tell me if you think there's something going on. She is still in a massive amount of pain but she fights being given drugs. I think she wants to suffer for what she did."

"I don't see why, she must have called a halt to things in time. Almost doing something is not actually doing it. I would expect regret and a need for penitence had she gone through with the abortion, but she stopped it."

"That's the problem. She didn't."

"That makes no sense. Was she carrying more than one embryo?"

"No, no, the doctor simply missed the sac and needed to do it again. She refused the second attempt but she had already allowed the first and ever since, she has been filled with remorse and mind numbing guilt.

I see the baby as a triumph over adversity, she sees her as a reminder of what she allowed to happen and what she was having destroyed. I fear for her relationship with Gabriella and as for us, there is no us at the moment. She is pulling away from me like she doesn't even deserve to be near me and God knows, I have never been perfect. I caused this whole mess in the first place. I got her drunk and slept with her when she was at the then lowest point in her life and we can blame intoxication but I know I always wanted her, and did that deliberately.

I obviously saw my chance and went for it, never considering her side of things. I knew I was the last man on earth she wanted to sleep with, she made that very clear. She didn't like me at all, and I disregarded all that and took her virginity while she was in no condition to say 'no'. You have always blamed Bella for tricking me, believe me, Carlisle, she was the victim. I was the criminal."

"Edward, this puts things in a very different light. I wish I had known all this before. I even thought she conceived on purpose, to tie you to her so she could be near Jasper. I misjudged her terribly."

"I know you did and I can see how your words must have affected her that night. We had just had a meltdown about the unfairness of life, about her loving Jasper and not me, about my love for her going unreturned, and then I left her alone, crying in the shower. Any other time, I am sure she would have hung up on you and told you to mind your own business, it was just timing. She was already bowed and beaten. then you offered her the solution to fixing things for me, and she took it. One day earlier, one day later, she would have told you to shut up."

"Esme will never forgive me and I don't even expect you to understand why I did it. I was truly thinking of the two of you. You and the baby. It seemed so ridiculous for you to pay for one mistake all your life. Bella clearly didn't love you and she was taking pleasure in your pain. I saw her on the staircase at our house. She was watching Jasper and mooning over him, you were watching her and looked like your heart was breaking and she smirked at you and danced down the stairs! She was being so cruel I honestly wanted to hit her. I thought she had planned the whole thing from the start. I saw her as the villain of the piece and thought she was out to destroy you. I had considered offering her money to leave you. I didn't because I thought she would never go, having achieved what she wanted. You as her husband, looking after her and keeping her near Jasper . And you have more money than she could ever need so why accept money from me and go? I saw this as the only solution."

I could actually see things from Carlisle's point of view now. I will never agree with what he did, but now I know his actions were inspired by love and protectiveness of me. And I never, at any point, said I wanted the baby. I never showed my true feelings to anyone, not even to Bella. Had I rubbed her belly and told her how much that little child inside meant to me, I know she would have tossed my phone against the wall when Carlisle suggested the Devil's pact with her.

She would have kept the pregnancy for me. Not because it tied us together, but because she wanted me to have what I wanted. Her fucked up idea of what I wanted sent her to that clinic of death and destruction.

"What should I do? How can I make her see she is still a worthwhile person, because if she keeps going the way she is, she will not survive this. I already fear she is planning to leave me and Gabriella, but I fear she will do it in a much more permanent way than running away."

"I think, in the circumstances, I am the last person she needs to see here. I will wait outside for your mother, but first I am finding the best psychiatrist and insisting he talks to Bella today. She cannot be released from hospital while she is going through this turmoil. If what you have said is all accurate, she is on the knife's edge."

The knife's edge.

Why did he have to choose that particular phrase?

After me telling Bella virtually we had very little hope and my love was pretty much gone, what did she have to cling to? Gabriella was not enough for her to live for, when she saw our daughter as the symbol of her crime.

I have to step up my game and forgive her now, while she is here to hear it. I can struggle with my own issues later, in private, with my therapist but at this moment, Bella needs me to save her and I am probably the only one who can. Time to put my own selfish needs aside and give my wife what she needs. A little hope, a little of the love I know is still there inside me.

I would die if I lost her.

She is my life now and she always was. Why I spent my time trying to replace her instead of waiting for her, I no longer can even explain.

Even after the Tanya incident, I didn't need to compound my mistake. I could have stopped the rot there and waited. I could have become her friend and talked to her. She was at our house more than she was at Charlie's. There were many days when Alice was buzzing around the place and Bella was just sitting outside, down by the creek, reading a book. I spent my time stalking her and watching from afar. Things could have been so different.

What if she and I had become friends and then the night of the wedding, she could have turned to me and I could have provided the right sort of comfort, the shoulder to cry on, the kiss on the cheek. I could have won her over in time, by being there for her.

I want to turn back time and have a do over.

I want to be noble and respectable and worthy of her.

She sees herself as unworthy of me yet I am the one who doesn't deserve her. She was so innocent and pure before I got my hands on her.

I cannot allow myself to wallow in self indulgent guilt. I have to go save my Bella.

BELLA'S POV

Esme came in with beautiful flowers that would make an entire garden bare by their absence, gifts of little pink dresses and tiny shoes with bows and flowery trim and the last gift, I was surprised to see, was for me. She had bought me a beautiful pink embroidered nightdress and robe set. It wasn't even slightly sexy, it was pretty and soft and the perfect gift for a new mother .

"I don't deserve this, Esme. Its so beautiful."

"As are you, Bella. You do deserve it."

"You don't know me, you don't know what I did."

She picked up my hands and looked into my eyes.

"I know everything you did and I know why you did such a desperate thing. I know you did it because you thought it was the right thing to do for my son. I know you were motivated by love."

"I didn't love him, not then."

"Bella, you went to a clinic and had a life threatening procedure done to free him. You cannot say you didn't love him. You would not have done that for somebody you didn't love."

I had not ever seen it that way before. It was the way I saw it before it was done. But afterwards, my heart was black and when he rejected me, I felt it was no more than I deserved. True, I assumed he rejected me for another reason, but I accepted the punishment for my true crime.

"I have known you a long time now, Bella. We all make mistakes. We all get to dark points in our lives and feel like there is no hope or no other way. When our first son was stillborn, I felt like I failed Carlisle. I thought I should go, leave him, let him find a real woman who could bear him a live child. I felt so useless and like I had failed to deliver what I had promised him. We had spent the entire nine months talking about names and what the baby would look like and how he would grow up in Carlisle's footsteps and be Young Dr Cullen. We had his entire life planned. Carlisle was so happy and couldn't wait for the baby to be born so we could shape his life and love and protect him. We would be the perfect parents to the perfect child. The perfect family.

Then the birth went so well. Nothing went wrong, it was quick and easy and I was congratulating myself for handling the pain and not needing drugs and thinking I was so clever, so superior to those women who needed help to cope. And then that little boy was born and I thought "Yes, a boy, just what we wanted." A girl wouldn't have completed our visions at that time.

I had succeeded, done it all, provided my husband with a son and heir. Any future children would simply be secondary to this child.

And he was perfect and beautiful and he just didn't breathe.

No reason, no cause for his death was ever found. He just didn't breathe.

They tried everything. Carlisle was already well known and well respected and loved by his staff and patients and they did things in desperation, they filled a bucket with hot water and another with cold and plunged that little body from one to the other, trying to shock him into life.

They were ready to attach him to life support, to force air into him, even if he wasn't there.

I had to be the one to tell them to stop, to let him go. He wasn't meant to be.

And then i thought, why did I stop them? Maybe there was this tiny chance he would have responded in time? Maybe he wouldn't have been able to live without machines but he may have lived in some capacity. Did I order the death of my baby?

I know it sounds ridiculous to you, but that doesn't change how I felt and thought at that time.

So I understand you were in a dark place and you made a bad decision but you made it for the right reason. Like I did. That baby would not have wanted a life on machines, in a hospital, never seeing or hearing, never being able to think or speak or love.

I let him go for the right reasons.

And I can look back now and know it was right and know I would do the same thing again.

I learned my lesson.

You were confronted with a choice. When the first abortion failed, you had learned your lesson. You knew you loved the child and you chose to save her.

You still didn't know if Edward wanted it, you still were faced with single motherhood and an uncertain future, and you chose to keep her anyway.

Bella, I hate to say this but I think I know where you are now. I wanted to die when I made that decision. I planned to take my own life, and leave Carlisle free to love again and try again with a better woman.

If I had done that, there would be no Emmett, no Edward, no Alice. Could you imagine a world without those three beautiful people?

Carlisle would have become a hopeless drunk. He would have stopped trying and just given up. I was there for him and he was there for me through the long dark nights and we cried together and supported each other and we saved us.

Nobody else could have. Nobody else could have made us feel hope again , and given us the courage to try and overcome the pain and the sadness and accept what has happened cant be changed but we can go on, and be better people. More loving, more giving.I learned each and every baby is an equal and precious blessing.

Maybe that baby died to make us into what we are now. I have been closed off to my husband since he tried to do what he did, and I know how it feels to be truly alone in the world, and I am going to forgive him and allow him to make it up to me, and I do still love him, even though he made a terrible decision that almost killed our son. He didn't know how things would turn out. He thought he was saving Edward from a life of pain. He thought he was offering the solution, the way to make things better for him.

Edward was nothing when you were gone. He was a complete ball of pain. He mourned for the baby and he mourned the loss of you and he just had nothing to live for. I went to sleep at night, fearing that phone call the next day. I was waiting to hear another son of mine was dead, Bella. Nothing we did could save him. Only you could do that. He was on a path to self destruction and now he is happy and smiling and so glad to be alive and thats's down to you and that baby you saved. Don't ever forget that."

"Esme, you give me too much credit."

"Bella, believe me, you don't give you enough credit.

I know love when I see it. I have lived with love all my married life. I know it well and I recognize it when it lives in others. It oozes from you and from him and you two are wasting time, denying what you feel. If he died tomorrow, what would you regret the most?"

"That he never knew how much I loved him. That he never loved me like he used to."

"Believe me when I tell you, Edward loves you with all his heart. It is just numb at the moment. Give him some time, sweetheart. Don't take away his chance to realize and turn back to you. Think of those future little amazing babies you and he will have. Give them the chance to be born. Promise me that."

"I, I do promise you Esme. Thank you."

Finally I felt peace and just hearing this point of view of Esme's suddenly made the world make sense. I cannot go back and undo what I did. I cannot throw my life away with regrets . There is no do over. There is an us, and we can fight for it and get it back. There is a child who needs me and I need her.

I never want her to know what I did and if God allows me that favor, it will be enough. But there are more precious children waiting to join our family and one day, we will be strong and together and ready to welcome them.

The future is what counts, the past is dead and gone.

I will need to be there for Edward, because we will both slip into the darkness now and then, but if the other is there to pull us out, we will be okay.

**Please review. I know how many people are getting update notifications, please leave just one review so we know you are out there. Just a smiley face or one word is fine! (My 15 year old daughter is getting more reviews on her Full Metal Alchemist fanfic than this is, please help me win!).**

**Edward loves you. Love him back, he needs it around this point!. Cheers,Lynzi...off to write Chapter 14..I have no real life....my husband went back to work today and I miss him (and had to make my OWN breakfast!)..Oh, and for those who asked, my Dad's funeral went well and I sent him a blue balloon and let go of our issues. It can be done.  
**


	14. Chapter 14

**For Rose, in Orlando, for reminding me real friends are forever.**

The Wedding

Chapter 14

Saved By the Bella

EDWARD'S POV

Bella's whole attitude changed after Esme's visit. I had no idea what my mother had said to her, but suddenly she was accepting the drugs, holding Gabriella from choice and not just when she had to feed her and she was looking forward to coming home.

She called it home.

Not her usual 'your place'.

I was relieved and the psyche evaluation, done casually and without any fanfare, left the doctor sure she was not depressed and was in fact, optimistic and hopeful for the future.

She looked at me shyly when I went in.

"I am sorry, Edward. I got a little lost there for a while. I do appreciate you having a room ready for me and buying me clothes and things."

"It's okay, sweetheart. You have been through a lot lately. I am just sorry I wasn't there to help you through the pregnancy. The thought of you.."

A knock sounded on her door and she turned away from me to see who was there.

Bella's eyes suddenly lit up and I turned towards the door, where her oldest friend, Jacob Black stood grinning at her, his eyes seeking her alone.

I suddenly felt superfluous to needs and I nodded acknowledgement to Jake, then stood awkwardly as he rushed to Bella's side and hugged his massive body to her tiny one.

"I told you that baby would be fine,Bells. How could you doubt me? I am all knowing, being a Quileute shaman and all."

They parted bodies but he held her hands like they were precious to him and their grins were identical, happy, friendly and victorious.

"That was one hell of a pregnancy but we got through it, didn't we?" he said.

I felt gobsmacked.

Jake had been with Bella while she was pregnant?

What was going on?

I glared at him but as he only had eyes for her, he failed to notice and he clasped her hands tighter with his and continued to sit on her bed, facing her.

It seemed...wrong, too intimate....like that was my place to be, not his.

Oh, my old friend jealousy had burst back onto the scene.

How annoying.

"So, this is the Nudger? I really figured it was a boy the way those kicks nearly sent me flying out of bed." he chortled, and I choked.

Shit.

He had been in her bed?

He had felt my child kick when I hadn't?

I felt cheated and replaced and so very angry in that moment.

Renee and Phil burst through the door so I stepped back and watched the reunion and wondered where I fit in now.

"Bella, darling, you look thin. I told you not to work so hard and so much."

"Mom, great to see you. I had to do enough of my own shifts to keep my job, Jake couldn't take over them all or they would have sacked me and hired him."

He took over some of her shifts?

He was there for her in every way, it seemed.

"Jake, you should not run in a hospital. I swear, I nearly had a heart attack trying to keep up when you sprinted up that staircase." Renee continued.

Phil turned to me and held out his hand which I took, although I was so distracted and confused, it could have been anyone.

"Congratulations Edward."

"Thanks,er, Phil" I answered, still watching Jake and my wife as they talked and laughed.

It was like I had slipped into an alternate universe, where Jake was her partner and I was...the onlooker?

"Jake was the best friend anyone could have. We were on the road so much. He didn't hesitate to fly to Orlando and stay with Bella for the whole time she was there. I felt bad, taking her Mom away from her when she needed everyone's support the most but Jake was such a rock. He even cooked, didn't you, boy? Bella could hardly keep down anything, but Jake had this brilliant idea that it was the smell of the food cooking that set her off so he would send her out into the pool area with the other tenants while he cooked her all these amazing little treats. Remember the asparagus quiche, Jake? That was pure ambrosia. I loved it when we were home and he made that."

Phil lowered his voice to an almost whisper and leaned closer to me.

"Just between us, Renee cannot cook for shit. I swear, if it hadn't been for Jake and his culinary skiils, we would all have had to live in pizza and Bella couldn't stand take away and she insisted it wasn't good for the baby."

I was so blown away by this insight into how Bella had lived while she was gone. To be honest, I had pictured her friendless and alone. This was a shock beyond belief.

Renee had taken over Bella's attention and she was showing her tiny pink garments she had bought and the two women were completely absorbed in the baby so Jake wandered over, still smiling but the ice in his eyes showed it was just for show, for the ladies.

"So, Edward, care to take a quick stroll with me?"

Bella glanced up at him sharply.

"Jake, don't you dare." she warned.

I had a feeling there may have been some threat made against me in the past that Jake now intended to fulfill.

I raised my eyebrows and grinned a mirthless grin at her.

"I am sure Jake just wants to talk, Bella." I stated hopefully.

We left the room despite Jake's lack of assurance that talking was all he had in mind.

Silence lay between us but the tension could have been cut with a knife. The anger rolling off him was barely contained and his eyes flashed in warning every time he looked at me.

Once we reached the front entrance, he pulled me outside roughly and shook as he tried to control his voice.

"You motherfucking spoiled selfish arrogant bastard. Do you have any fucking idea what she went through? Oh no, wait, you don't, because you weren't fucking there for her, were you?

We had to work at any fucking lowly paid jobs we could find, just to keep a roof over our heads. Renee loves Bella but she is a complete flake. She and that idiot Phil took off and traveled with his team and left her with the household bills to cover or she would have not had electricity, or groceries or a place to fucking live! We had to cover the rent and every other fucking expense you have when you live in a fucking house. I wanted her to stay home and rest but there was no fucking way my measly wage would cover everything. She had to work at the library all day then do a shift at the fucking filthy diner in town where the perverted owner kept hitting on her, even though it was fucking obvious she was pregnant. And she didn't tell me for ages. She was so scared he would sack her and we wouldn't afford to live.

That filthy creep tried to put his hands all over her but then, I suppose she was used to filthy worthless bastards touching her by then, wasn't she? You broke her in to that."

He was so angry he was spitting as he spoke and his hands were clenching my shirt tighter and tighter.

"Where the fuck was your brain when you threw her out onto the street? I always thought you were a no good, trust fund, piece of worthless shit, Cullen, but I thought at least you fucking loved her. I saw you with her that day at La Push and I thought, well she is now safe in the hands of this loser but he will do whats right for her, even if he thinks whats right is simply throw shitloads of his filthy money at her, but you didn't even do that, did you? Turned her out, on the fucking street, without a fucking dollar to her name. I cannot ever imagine what its like to be such a cold, heartless prick, and why the hell she loves you is beyond any form of sanity at all."

He stood back, ripping his hands from me and looking at them like they were now contaminated as he wiped them down his pants, like they were covered in something unspeakable.

I was stunned into silence. She had loved me after I threw her away? Everything he had said was true. I had wondered where she was but I had never really worried if she had somewhere to go, someone to care for her. I guess I was too wrapped in my own misery and pain.

And hers was so much worse.

I didn't know she was still pregnant though.

Was that any kind of excuse? I still kicked her out after taking her away from her dorm, I should have at least made the effort to make sure she had somewhere to live seeing she had only moved out of that to live with me.

I had turned my back on my responsibilities.

"Jake, you are perfectly right to hate me but I had no idea she was pregnant."

"Don't fucking lie to me. I was the one who told you, loser. Me. I told you what she told me. Why are you even pretending that never happened? Are you insane? Clearly you are, but what, delusional as well?"

"Jake, she went to a clinic and had a termination. My father paid for it.."

"Oh Dr Moneybags Cullen had to clean up his little boys mess yet again, did he? What age did you get out of diapers, Edward? They must have been cleaning up your shit for years. Heres a new mess our pretty little Edward made, quick, throw some money at it and get it fixed. We wouldn't want our baby boy to have to grow up and face what he did. We don't want him inconvenienced with responsibility for his own actions."

"Would you fucking listen to me? Okay, I fucked up. Big time. But Bella went to a clinic and had a fucking abortion. They botched it up and left her still pregnant. I didn't know that. All I knew was, she hated me and she hated my baby and she had it killed. How would you have reacted if she had your baby killed, Jake? Would you have fucking stood by her and worked her shifts and cooked her quiches if it was your baby she abandoned?"

"Yes, I fucking would have, Cullen. Because she is a human being and she made a mistake. An error in judgement. She thought she was doing the right fucking thing, for you. Not for her. She didn't just decide, oh this is too much trouble, I have a polo match this weekend and this baby is so inconvenient, lets get rid before the prom season starts so I fit in my frock, I will go kill my baby.

She did it for YOU. You, a lousy motherfucker who didn't deserve to touch her in the first place. SHE didn't get pregnant by herself. No, you got the fucking honor of putting your dick inside her, where nobody else's have ever been, you took her virginity, you knocked her up, you married her and promised to love her in sickness and in health and you fucking kicked her ass to the curb without even a fucking conversation.

She meant that fucking little to you, you couldn't swallow your pride and ask her what happened and why and what she would do from there? What was the worst thing that could have happened? Poor little rich boy could have had to hear how she made a mistake that she regretted with all her being and he wasn't going to be a Daddy after all. That was the worst possible hurt you could have gone through if you had talked to her.

But it wasn't like that, was it? The fucking angel of all people rich and selfish saved your kid and you didn't even let her explain.

No, Bella made a mistake, remove her from my sight and my perfect life now, I don't deal with imperfect people. Take her away. Chop her head off, I don't want her turning up at some future dinner party and spoiling the ambiance. Maybe she could have stood out in the snow and sold matches and peered into your windows and watched you dine on oysters and red wine while she fucking froze out in the cold? Would that have made you feel better?"

I had no answers for him and he didn't want to listen but hearing how much she suffered and how much he stood by her and helped her, I suddenly realized, he would have been better for her all along. He should have been the one to take the gift of her virginity. At the very least, he would have done it with love, and been sober, and remembered doing it. And had he gotten her pregnant, he would have married her, stood by her. And she never would have had Billy Black ringing her and telling her Jake was better off without her in his life and offering to have his grandchild removed.

She would have had a home and a husband and a man who loved her and put her first, ahead of himself. A man who would have forgiven her anything. A man who accepted she was human and flawed and loved her anyway.

He was a better man than I was. That there was no doubt.

Suddenly all the hate and anger seemed to leave Jakes body and he deflated and looked at me,his voice dropped to a quieter tone, filled with sadness.

"Edward, you weren't there. She cried every day. She had nightmares every single night. She came home exhausted and shaking with hunger and she was always throwing up, she could barely eat anything. If she did, when she started to cry again, she would vomit and lose what little I got her to eat. The doctor at the free clinic was a useless idiot and he just kept telling her, it would pass, that nobody leaves the Delivery Room with morning sickness. It was all day sickness and she had to pretend it wasn't happening. She had to work and bring in the small wages she earned, and she grew out of her clothes and her jeans didn't fit but we had no money for luxuries like clothes. We had to shop at the charity shops and get her larger pants that would stretch over her belly, pants some other person already just about wore out.

But she never complained and whenever I suggested I call you and demand some sort of compensation for what she was going through, it would send her into a fit of blackness and she would curl up on the bed and cry. I had to lay beside her, with her in my arms, night after night and listen to her cry for you. My arms weren't the ones she needed, but they were all she had.

She would have shocking nightmares, she woke up screaming every fucking night, screaming for them to stop, saying she wanted your baby and she was sorry, Man, it was fucking horrible. It was like living in a horror movie.

And then sometimes she had the 'good dream' and she would call out your name and smile in her sleep and relax and I would lie there praying it lasted a bit longer than last time, because it was the only time she was happy.

She would murmur to you and talk about the baby and how she was keeping it safe for you and she promised to come back so you could see it born if you wanted and if you didn't she would take it away so you could have your life back and could just forget she and it existed.

I would fucking cry when she had that dream, Edward. No woman on this planet will ever love me half as much as she loves you.

And that fucking sucks because I deserved her and you didn't.

I was her friend all her life. I was always there for her.

Oh, I know Jasper was her bestie, but where was he, Edward? Where was Jasper when she was overworked and over tired and her feet swelled up and turned red and purple and her ankles got all fat and hurt her so much she had to hide out the back and sit down and put them up for her break? And she could hardly walk some nights. We had no car, the buses went nowhere near the diner. I tried, man. I tried to cover her shifts but sometimes after I worked twelve hour shifts at the garage, for piss poor pay because I had no qualifications, I would just fucking go home and change out of my filthy overalls and fall asleep instead of doing her shift or at least, being there to walk her home. I felt so bad those nights, knowing she walked five miles in the dark and anyone could have hurt her. I did what I could, but it wasn't enough. Why didn't you at least throw her some cash, man? It wasn't like you would have missed it?"

"I didn't know where she was" I whispered. I knew it was more than that, worse than that. All I wanted was for her to go away and not remind me of my own pain. I never considered hers. Even if the abortion had worked, I had never wondered if she was out there, hurting, sorry for what she did. If she had a home to live in and food to eat and someone to hold her when she cried. Thank God for Jacob Black.

"I know its nothing and its far too little too late, but thank you Jacob. Thank you for keeping her alive when I didn't. You are right. I have never deserved her. I always wanted her but I never deserved her and you are right again. I took her virginity and ruined her life and tossed her away and I will have to live with that until the day I die.

I can never make this up to her but I am going to try, because for some insane reason, she still loves me and it would hurt her if I left her and handed her to you, who deserves her.

Please Jake, let me do something for you. Let my father made amends in some way. Go to college,do a course and get your qualifications and do it on Carlisle's dime. He won't even notice the cost. Let him cover everything and pay for a place for you to live and cover all your bills while you are in college."

"Edward, normally I would spit in your face and tell you where to stick your money but you do owe me and I need the education, even if its just because I need to be better equipped if Bella ever needs me again, so I am going to accept your offer and let your father pay some conscience money. Now, lets get back to Bella and that kid of yours. She has kicked me often enough from inside her mom, she may want to kick me again now she is out."

We stood together and Jake reached a hand out, tentatively and I took it gratefully and shook it.

Maybe we could be friends, someday.

He had pointed out so many of my failings, I now realized Bella had more to forgive me for that I ever had to forgive her over.

I had always had the perfect and easy life. My parents had always bailed me out.

"Oh, and Edward, in case you are wondering, she never let me touch her. Not like I wanted to. I was allowed to hold her in the night and kiss away her tears off her cheeks but no matter what, she remained completely faithful to you. Even when she went through that horny phase of pregnancy, and I offered to help her out, she wouldn't let me touch her. She just moaned your name in her sleep and drove me into the shower five times a night."

He grinned at me and I tried to grin back.

"Sorry man. I know what a horny Bella is like. That must have been torture for you."

"Yeah. In her sleep, she once thought I was you and you owe me big, man, because I got out of that bed and sat on a chair, er, relieving my own pain. I so wanted to just let her fuck me and I didn't care if she called your name at that point."

Shit.

I walked back to the hallway outside Bella's room and gestured he should go in alone.

I found a spot where I got a clear signal and rang Forks Real Estate and told them to buy the local garage and workshop and have it refurbished and hire someone to manage it while Jake was in college. It would be waiting for him when he got through his course. I would pay all costs but it was to be in Jake's name alone.

I wish I could say I did this for him because he was there for her and looked after her all that time, but really, I knew I did it because he got out of that bed.

I rang Carlisle and asked him how he felt about putting Jake through college because if he didn't want to do it, I would. Carlisle jumped at the chance to make amends in any way and he listened as I told him all Jake had done, well, almost all, and he suggested maybe we should have their house modified as Billy was always completely confined to a wheelchair now and he must be finding it hard getting around that tiny house. In fact, he suggested he have two new houses built and handed over to Billy and Jake in the guise of them winning some award or other. Billy may buy that, Jake never will, but I had a feeling he would accept in the spirit it was meant. Sure, we were doing what he accused us of, tossing money around to soothe our souls, but at least he and his dad would benefit as they deserved. Billy had lost all the assistance Jake would have given him when he was with Bella in Orlando.

I owed that boy big time.

BELLA'S POV

Watching Jake 'go for a stroll' with Edward made me very nervous and I found it hard to concentrate while they were gone. Renee wanted every detail of the birth but I didn't have a lot to tell her, between the rainbows and the darkness, there was only the after pain to remind me what my body had gone through. The actual birth took place without my knowledge. I told her to ask Edward as he had lived it.

"Where do you think they went? Do you think Jake is going to hit him?"

I hoped not.

Edward and I need to move forward and having my best friend give him a black eye will not help that along.

The nurse came in and handed me my protein shake number three for the day and I forced it down. I want to breastfeed Gabriella and my body needs to recover and build up some weight and reserves for that to happen. It was good, being able to eat and not vomit. That had gone on almost to the end. I had feared I would be the first mom to still be suffering morning sickness when I came out of Delivery, despite what that doctor had said.

Charlie arrived then and was enraptured by the baby, as I knew he would be.

Renee knew everything about everything, I had shared the entire story with her but Charlie had only ever had the edited, PG 13, somewhat altered version so he thought I left Edward of my own accord and he had spent the past few months telling me I should go back to him and try again. Thus he was delighted we were back together and that I had come to my senses.

I forgot to tell Edward this so when he returned to my room, soon after Jake had come in and assured me he hadn't ripped Edward apart and burnt the pieces, he was pale faced, well, ashen, when he saw my dad was there.

Charlie walked straight over and Edward paled even more and whe Dad reached out a hand to shake Edward's, he almost fainted with relief. I think he was tensing up, waiting for the bullet to enter his body.

Renee and I giglged at the sight. Poor Edward.

Dad awkwardly handed me a badly wrapped package and I opened it to find Gabriella now owned her only tiny fishing pole. That's Charlie for you.

Finally they all left and Edward stood in the corner, silent and thinking.

"Bella, I am a monumental fool. I have to thank Jake for many, many things but mainly for making me see what a precious gem you are and how lucky I am to have this chance to have you back in my life. I love you with all my heart and soul and I promise, I will always put you and Gabriella first if you give me another chance."

I wondered what on earth Jake had told him, but whatever.

I smiled and reached my arms out to him and he jumped at the chance of being near me again. We lay together on the bed and he wrapped his arms around me. Finally, things felt more even, more equal. We both had our burdens and we both needed to give and receive forgiveness from one another but I knew now it would happen.

He kissed me gently but insistently, seeking some of the old connection we had briefly found together and I gave back but it was different now, because now I loved him as much as he loved me.

Esme was right. Only we could save us.

"Blue or green?" asked Edward.

"What?" I queried, wondering where he was going now.

"Which color do you like best? Blue or green?."

I looked into his emerald eyes and let the honest truth leave my lips.

"Green. Always green."

"My bedroom is brown and green. Yours is brown and blue. I know we need to stay away from sex until everything is resolved and you are healed but I want you in the same bed as me at night. I need you to be in my arms again, Bella. I will do the nightfeeds and attend to the baby but I have to have you beside me while we sleep or I won't ever sleep again."

"You may regret that. I still,um, have nightmares. I scream in my sleep. You will get tired of being woken up while I relive that..."

"Shh, my Bella. That day is gone now. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. Forget it ever happened. We have Gabriella and each other and we have hope and love now. So, let's leave the darkness behind and just look to the future. Maybe my love can stop the bad dreams. Let's find out."

I snuggled in beside him and let sleep overtake me. Back with my Edward. Where I belonged.

**Please review, still need to win! Oh, and please spare a glance at my profile..since Mandee pointed out my epic fail with words!**


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N After you read this, I need a review from each of you saying if you knew this was how it went down in the first place..and be honest,please. Cheers,Lynzi**

The Wedding

Chapter 15

Memories

EDWARD'S POV

It seemed likely that Bella and Gabriella would be released tomorrow so I headed home for one full nights sleep. The nurses assured me I would look back at this night and wish I could relive it in months to come as the baby woke and broke my sleep into four hour sections.

Why I would prefer any night alone rather than with my Bella and my daughter was a mystery to me. Sleep just wasn't that important. I wanted my arms as full as my heart.

I lay in my bed and thought of how my life had changed so drastically this week. One week ago, I was alone and cut off from my feelings, my friends and my family. I had assumed Bella was truly gone from me and I would never see her again.

My pain had been constant and seemingly unending but now everything had changed.

It was like an angel had landed on my shoulder and fixed all the hurt and pain and longing and regret and replaced it with a whole load of love.

Sleep seemed to evade me so I got up and ran myself a deep, warm bath and relaxed with a glass of wine.

Interesting vintage.

Last time I drank this was....ah, at Jasper's wedding.

The night it all began.

The night that changed my life and molded it into something more.

Something that started so wrong and ended up so very right.

I felt myself gradually relax all over as the alcohol hit my bloodstream and the heat of the water soothed away my tiredness and aches.

Change, even the very best form of change, is still exhausting and I hadn't really sat down and allowed myself to completely let go since Rose met me at the Reception area of the hospital.

God Bless Rose.

God Bless Jake.

I was bordering on slipping into slumber so I left the bath and lazily toweled myself dry and fell into bed in the green and brown room I would share tomorrow night with my Bella.

x x x x x x x x

(Edward dreams and relives Alice and Jaspers wedding etc .)

I looked around, everyone was still partying and having a great time, even though the bride and groom had gone. Esme was smiling, crying a few tears of both relief and happiness.

Her daughter had married the man she loved with all her heart and he loved her back just as fiercely.

There had been no hiccups, no mishaps, everything had gone to plan.

People laughed and chatted and raised their glasses to the now absent bride and groom.

I was about to turn and go inside and join them in a session of glass raising when I found my eyes, as always, drawn to the one lone bridesmaid still standing outside.

Poor Bella.

My poor, poor Bella.

She had to finally let go of her dream tonight.

It was over.

In a very definite undeniable way.

Alice had won, she had lost.

My heart hurt a little for her loss but maybe my chance could start soon, once she had her crying session with the girls and got over Jasper Whitlock.

I never understood why she was so besotted.

He was taken, and had been for years now.

Any sensible person would have seen that and accepted it.

Not Bella, oh no, not Bella Swan.

She had hung on grimly until the very end.

I had watched her face as Alice kissed her goodbye and she was controlled and hanging in there, putting on her mask of happiness for them.

Then Jasper had hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek and her eyes had lit up then closed for a mere millisecond and the look of longing and heartbreak on her face had just about done me in.

I knew that look, I knew the feelings behind that look.

My face experienced that look so many times.

Every time it caught sight of Bella watching Jasper.

Every time she thought nobody was watching and she let her true feelings and emotions out, for just a glimpse. I was always there,always watching, always wishing she had those deep, intense feelings for me instead.

I felt like I should take this little broken bird under my wing tonight.

My wing was strong and practicised in the art of self deception and hiding the truth from the world of onlookers.

I grabbed her hand to get her attention. Her eyes were still looking after the car, watching like she somehow thought by standing there, it would turn back time and give her another shot.

No second chances, my sweet Bella. It's over. Time to move on.

I waited for her to look at me and acknowledge my presence and she faced me and burst into tears that came from deep down in her soul. I grabbed her to my chest and let her cry.

Nobody else remained out here so there was nobody to notice her pain.

"Shh,, sweetheart. It will be okay. It will work out. I know it seems pretty bleak right now but they have gone and you have to move on, for your own sake. Come and have a drink and feel better. I will look after you. Put yourself in the capable hands of the best man and you will soon see why he is called the best man."

I dried her tears and pulled her inside, and grabbed a couple of glasses. This is what she needs, a few drinks of pain reliever and all will be well. She will forget him and have some fun for once. She is always on the sideline, always the one watching and waiting, never the one having some fun.

It all changes tonight.

I am going to show this beautiful girl how good life can be when you participate and stop being the observer.

She drained the glass and held it out for more, so I raised my eyebrows and grinned at her.

Attagirl, Bella. Come join life.

After a few drinks, she almost smiled at me and I pulled her onto the dancefloor, and my body sighed. She was finally, finally in my arms.

How many freaking years had I dreamed of this moment?

How many years had I watched and waited and copied her own actions?

I had long given up any hope she would ever be mine but maybe, maybe tonight can be ours.

I want one night, just one night, where she is in my arms and I can pretend because I am very good at pretending. I do it all the time.

I try to switch my thoughts away from the guilty images in my head, of girls who walk in my bedroom door and miraculously turn into Bella, just for a little while.

My head knows they aren't her and my heart cries and bleeds afterwards, but for just a few minutes, I go to my happy place and I make love to my dream girl and she is pleased I am inside her and she pushes her body close to mine and I am happy, I know a few minutes of happiness.

My mind is always full of images of her, as she eats and puts that fork in her mouth and I want to be that fork.

As she laughs and throws her head back and the sound echoes in my head for days after. Its a rare sound and thus doubly precious.

As she runs when she is late for class and she looks so free and perfect and makes my heart want to be the one she is running toward.

In reality, she never notices me so I can stare and watch and drink her in all I want. If she does see me, her whole body and face change and a new look takes over. Its hard to decipher it, because it isnt pure hate, like one would imagine by the way she speaks to me.

Its a look like she knows I let her down in some way and I wish to God I knew what I did, because not knowing means I can't fix it.

She will then brush past me, weirdly she always goes for 'accidental contact' which makes no sense at all. If I am so repulsive to her, why the brush against my arm or be standing too close so she touches my back? She thinks I don't notice but my entire body yearns for contact with her,and the places she touches as she pushes past me feel like they are on fire.

I live for that contact and now my greedy hands are moving up and down her back, feeling the thrill of connection as we move against each other.

She retreats inside herself now and then so I give her more wine and rejoice as she drinks it and comes back to me, she is even laughing at my jokes now.

God, I love this girl

I love her with all my heart and tonight may well be the only night I will ever touch her and hold her and I feel like I will burst because she even acts like she likes me.

She is rubbing my arm and then her hands caress my back as we sway together, and then I feel her hands travel to my ass and caress it, pulling it in closer to her body.

Suddenly she forces her lips onto mine and I moan involuntarily as she pushes her tongue inside my mouth. I can't help but kiss her back. This is heading towards being The Night of my entire life.

Shit, I wish we were not on a dance floor in front of my parents and my family and friends.

We need to get the hell out of here and have one hell of a good night that she will always remember.

I want to erase the wedding from her mind and replace it with a night of fun and who knows, maybe passion. Maybe my body can sway her judgement of me and make her see me as a real and worthwhile person.

I stand and wait as she grabs her bag.

I am filled from top to bottom with regret because I didn't wait for her. Didn't wait for this night.

Had I known this night was even possible, I would have never taken that first drink at Denali's party, never allowed those substitutes into my bed.

It would have been worth the wait, if she could have been my first.

She is pulling on my hand and I willingly follow her outside.

"Where's your car? We need to find somewhere to have some fun, Edwardddd"

"Not in the car, Bella. We are not doing anything in the car. I need room to show you my moves."

"Oh, Edwards going to show me his moves, folks. I wanna feel Edward's moves. He should be a good mover by now, all the girls he has fucked."

I stop and look at her.

She is a little drunk but this time her words don't seem to be meant to cut me.

She laughs and touches my face.

"You better be good at this, because I need you to fuck Jasper out of my system. Can you do that, Edward? Are you that good at fucking?"

"Well, I have never had any complaints."

"Well, that's good."

"Bella, I dont think I should drive. I have been drinking you know. Maybe we can walk?"

"Sure, Edward, just don't get tired because you have to shake me all night long."

I am looking forward to it.

"You shook me all night long" she sings and pulls me along and I laugh at happy, carefree Bella.

"Bella, as much as I long to take you to bed, lets do one thing together first, not related to sex."

"What?"

"You choose. Anything. I need to have something to hold onto, something to look back on and remember other than me fucking Jasper away for you. I need something for us."

"Oh look, Edward. A tattoo parlor. Let's get tattoo. I always wanted a tramp stamp. Bella the tramp with her tramp stamp. Can we, please???"

It's the very first time she has ever asked me for anything and I have no resistance to her.

"Sure. Come on, got your id?"

We go in and the staff are sitting about reading. Quiet night.

"I want a tramp stamp" pipes up Bella.

"Have you been drinking, Miss?' he asks.

He is built like Emmett on steroids. He is huge.

He is inked from head to toe, even his toes have images on each and every one.

He pulls his boots on just when I am admiring his big toe.

"A teeny tiny bit. My Jasper just married his sister" she points at me.

"So, I am not putting your Jasper's name on you then. That would be one tattoo you would definitely regret in the morning." he tells her with a laugh.

"Then put 'Edward' on me. Edward's going to do me a favor later."

"I bet he is. Lucky Edward." He grins and raises his eyebrows at me and punches the air.

"Go brother."

She grins at him and he shows her how to sit on the chair backwards and relax her head down on the cushioned area at the top.

"Hug the chair like you plan to hug Edward later then" he instructs and starts to clean her skin.

I watch fascinated as he shaves her skin to remove any surface hair though I can't see any at all. Then he washes her with alcohol and his partner shows her examples of different writing script. She chooses a pretty curvy style and it's all happening.

I kneel in front of her and hold her face in my hands.

"I don't think you really want my name on you. This is forever. How about you get a Hello Kitty or just Love or something?".

"No, Edward" she whines. "This is an important night and we need a reminder. You are going to.."

I cut her off, quickly.

"Bella, my love, I will do anything at all you want me to. Any time, any place. But I don't think the tattoo is a good idea just now. How about we come back tomorrow when you feel a bit better?"

"Edward, I feel fine. I feel finer than fine. I want a tattoo so unless you have changed yourself into Charlie Swan, go away and leave me alone."

I face the tattoo artist.

"Please don't do this, man. She will regret it. Talk her into something else."

"How old are you, Bella?" he asks.

"21 " she replies.

"You have id?"

She opens her purse and gives it to him.

"You are sure you want me to draw a tramp stamp with Edward's name on your back?"

"Yes. Just do it."

"It's very hard to get a tattoo removed, Bella. It has to be done with lasers and it costs a lot of money. Do you understand that?"

"I understand that if you don't do it, I will go somewhere else and find someone who will put Jasper on my back."

Shit no.

I can't let that happen.

I stand back and watch as she dozes and he inks her up.

"She is a little firecracker, man. You are in for one night of bliss here" he comments.

One night.

That is all I will ever have. One night.

Maybe it does deserve recognition.

This way she will always remember tonight.

Against my better judgement, I stop fighting and watch her get inked.

"You have to get a tattoo, too, Edward" she orders.

"Okay" I reply.

"I will get 'Bella' on my chest, how about that?"

Her eyes narrow and she looks at me.

"Please don't" she almost whispers and I immediately assure her I won't.

The artist gives me a sympathetic smile and his partner stands and leads me to a chair.

"What does she mean to you? Her name means Beautiful in Italian. You could get 'Beautiful' ?"

"I don't really see that getting me too many girls in the future, if you know what I mean."

Tonight is a one night deal. I need to accept that now and act upon it. I would love to get 'Bella' on my chest but not 'beautiful'.

"So, you love her." he states. Its that obvious.

"Yeah" I reply.

"For now, or forever?"

"Forever" I admit.

"Eternal Love" he suggests.

Okay, that sums it up. Eternal Love, it is.

Bella seems calm and quiet though I can't imagine how, as the sensation of many fine needles entering my skin has me alert and trying to control the need to loudly curse. But if she can lay there and take it, I certainly can.

Finally, we are done and rinsed off and they covered our new images with absorbent dressing and tape.

I pay and take a receipt from him and we leave.

Bella is quieter now.

"Are you regretting that already?" I ask her.

"What? No. I have my reasons why I want your name on me."

"Why?" I ask, puzzled.

"Just never mind."

So I don't persist.

"Bella, if you have changed your mind about tonight, I can just take you back to the hotel?"

"What? No way. I want to do this. I wish I was married but...."

"You wish you were married?"

"Yeah. I always kind of wanted to get married when I was 21. It seems like the right age."

"So, there's still time."

"Nobody will ever marry me now, Edward. Nobody will ever want me or love me. I am nothing now."

"Bella, stop it. You are not nothing. You are very special and lovely and look, I want you. I have always wanted you."

"But even you wouldn't marry me."

"I would. I would marry you in a heartbeat if you wanted me to."

"Prove it."

"Bella, this is a little more important than getting a tattoo. I am not going to marry you."

"See, nobody wants to marry Bella. She will always be the bridesmaid. She will never be the bride. She will be the one all the girls pity and invite to be in their bridal party because nobody will ever want to promise themselves to her for eternity."

"Stop it!" I yell.

"You are the most beautiful, special, desirable, adorable girl on this whole planet. Any man would be proud to marry you."

"Well, marry me Edward. Now. Prove it."

Shit.

If I refuse, she will be right back in that dark place.

But if I do, we will have one heck of a honeymoon tonight!

And it can be annulled.

I could do this for her then when she wakes up and screams at me for letting it happen, I can just ask Dad to undo it. He is always there for me, always has my back.

This is stupid and ridiculous but if it makes My Bella happy, I know I will do it.

"Okay. Fine."

"Look Edward..there's the Chapel of Eternal Love! Like your tattoo! Its meant to happen."

We walk inside and the couple who run the place are on us the second our feet cross their doorway.

"Welcome young lovers, to the Chapel of Eternal Love.I am Kate, this is my dear husband Garrett. Married 45 years and never had a fight, have we dear? We have music, photos, witnesses, what do you wish to purchase?"

Hmm. Let's see, its like she said "Do you want fries with that?"

"We will have music and a photo and we do need witnesses."

"Amanda. Rose. We need you ladies" Kate screeches and two women appear from the back room, all dressed up and smiling like they know us.

These are our young friends....."

"Edward and Bella" I supply, loving the way our names sound together.

"Edward and Bella. How adorable. And such a beautiful couple, may I say? Perfectly matched. Now, if you can just give Garrett here your id's and method of payment, we can begin. Would the lovely bride like to purchase a bouquet? We have a range of very pretty bouquets, to suit all tastes and budgets."

"No" says Bella, shaking her head.

"Yes" I over rule her.

"Maybe I can select one for you?" says Amanda , or Rose, I am not sure which is which.

"Something pretty and cost is no object" I state. All three women look at each other and smile that 'oh yes, we have a live one' smile between themselves.

"Edward, you don't need to spend money on me."

"Bella, you have no wedding dress, no reception, I think I can buy you flowers. You are about to marry me."

She accepts the pretty bouquet of pink rosebuds and white gypsophilia, or baby's Breath as its nicknamed.

She smiles at me and I rejoice that I have done something right tonight.

I lean in and kiss her lips and she kisses me back.

"Oh let's save some of that for afterwards" says Kate.

Amanda approaches me with a flirtatious smile, holding an open display box of gold wedding bands. They look expensive and the real deal.

"Would you be needing rings, Edward?" she purrs at me, fluttering her eyelashes.

Rose materializes beside her and points out what are bound to be the most expensive two rings in the box.

"This is a pretty one" she murmurs and openly smiles at me with clear lust in her eyes.

I select the plain gold band for myself and the pretty, ornately twisted gold band for Bella.

"That will be $399 and $455" they purr simultaneously and I grin and tell them to add it on my bill. Which is mounting up all the time.

She hands me the rings, her hands lingering on mine for as long as she can. Garrett has photocopied our id's and we are on.

Our music we chose is playing in the background. Clair de Lune by Debussy.

Bella walks the short distance down the aisle and I smile broadly as she approaches. Even without the dress and veil and all the usual hoopla, she is the most beautiful, perfect bride ever.

Garrett speaks our vows and we parrot them back and say our " I do's", which Bella giggles at and I say with complete sincerity.

A couple of flashes startle us and Kate hands me an instant photo and we watch it develop and reveal me looking at Bella with all the love in the world in my eyes. She looks amused and a little drunk. But beautiful.

I hand over my platinum card and pay the bill, and take my receipt, I dare say Carlisle will want this kept.

"Your marriage certificate will be posted to your address, Mr Cullen, in two weeks time approximately. As shown on your receipt."

Bella accepts the photo and we thank them and smile and turn to leave.

"Oh, the second photo" I remind the ladies.

"Oh that's for our Chapel of Eternal Love Memory Board. It will be here for the next six months and copies are available in all sizes to purchase."

Yes, that was a romantic affair!

Bella and I laugh as we run outside and I clasp her hand and look at the ring she now wears on her left hand. I raise that hand to my lips and kiss it.

We walk quickly now, eager to commit our next illogical and impulsive move.

A rather tawdry motel is beside us and Bella says she can't wait any longer and I give up and let her lead me in because, in truth, I can't wait either.

I book us in as Mr and Mrs Edward Cullen and Bella laughs.

"You are supposed to book us in as Mrs and Mrs Smith, or Jones." she tells me with a cheeky grin.

"I happen to prefer Mr and Mrs Cullen " I tell her. Its the truth. We will probably only be this couple for one night, I want it documented for eternity, any place it can be. I pay in advance for the room as required and we go to the Honeymoon Suite and I feel sorry for every couple before us who had to settle for this cheap but clean room to celebrate their newly married status in.

"Will you require room service? I am just asking, because Dan will want to sneak off soon so if you want anything, order it now."

I order a bottle of their best champagne, knowing that won't make it very good, but hopefully drinkable and Bella pipes up that we need a bottle of Jack.

The bottles are delivered immediately by a boy dressed in his coat, ready to leave the second I pay and tip him.

I am feeling generous and I hand him a hundred dollar bill and he whistles and thanks me profusely.

I shut the door and block the real world out and turn to face my wife, Bella Cullen.

I tilt my head to the side and just drink her in. She looks so pretty and she blushes under my scrutiny and I feel true happiness. Borrowed time, borrowed wife, but true happiness none the less.

I walk up beside her and hold her by the shoulders and kiss her deeply.

She kisses me back but I detect a little nervousness.

"What's up, baby? Nervous?"

She bites her lower lip and I go hard instantly.

"Yes, a bit."

Then something occurs to me.

"Bella, you aren't a virgin, right? I can't take your virginity like this."

"Oh no, God no, Edward. There have been a few men before you." she assured me, sounding confident.

I am surprised, I always figured she was holding out for Jasper.

She reaches into my pants and grabs my cock, as if proving she has held plenty of those before.

I strip my clothes off and she tries to do the same.

"Stop" I warn her and stand naked before her.

"I want to do this. I have dreamed of doing this for so long. Let me, please?"

She nods her head and I gently unzip the bridesmaid dress that is also her wedding dress and thank God Alice chose such a pretty frock.

It pools on the ground and I gaze over her body.

Perfect.

She blushes and I notice the color changes on her entire torso, not just her cheeks.

I kiss her tenderly and pull her to me for a moment, my erection between us, begging for some relief.

She starts to stroke it, up and down, and I slip her panties to her knees then pull them off with my toes and toss them. They land on the bed.

I unclip her bra and release those sweet, soft orbs of delight and lean in and kiss them lightly.

She moans and I moan and buck into her hand.

"Leave your shoes on" I request and she looks startled.

"I love those shoes" I murmur.

I guide her down onto the bed and place a hand between her tempting apex and feel her, all warm and wet and ready without me doing any form of foreplay. But I am not forgoing it just because it isn't necessary to get her in the mood and ready for me.

I part her legs and pull back from her hand where it works on me. I want this to last.

I lay between her milky white thighs and breath in the scent of her arousal and almost lose my load at her fragrance.

My face is in position and I look up into her eyes, asking her permission.

"May I taste you, my beautiful Bella?" I ask humbly.

"oh. Yes." she answers.

I place my mouth on her sex and take a deep breath. I am about to taste ambrosia. Nectar. I have longed for this, dreamed of this, so many of my dreams have come true tonight and now another one does too.

I have never tasted any girl, it always seemed far to intimate to do with anyone who wasn't Bella. Even the substitutes never tempted me to lick them out.

My tongue slowly finds its way along her sex, inside her entrance, out again, along to her clit. She moans and tries to buck into my face so I hold her down gently but firmly and start licking and sucking and tasting. My God. there is no way I can last until I get inside her and sure enough, I feel my body explode as I suck her nub of nerves in and feel her jerk and sigh and waves of pleasure make her whole sex contract and pulse in my mouth.

We just came together for the first time and I wasn't even inside her.

I am not worried, I know I will be hard again in seconds and I am.

I move up her body and kiss her lips. She is flushed and breathing in deep gasps, getting some air back into her lungs.

"Are you okay, Bella?" I ask.

"I think I forgot to breathe" she says and I feel like the King of the world.

I wait until she is calm, gently stroking her face along her jaw and chin, and then I start kissing her tender, red lips until she pulls back for air.

"I have to breathe, Edward" she reminds me and I laugh.

I rest my forehead on hers and shut my eyes for a moment. I want to savoir this precious time together.

"I would rather die kissing you than breathe" I tell her, tenderly, meaning every word.

My hands trace up and down her body and I start to play with her nipples and feel them pebble at my touch. I love every inch of her.

I kiss her lips, her neck, her collarbone, move down to her breasts and kiss them too, and take a nipple inside my mouth. She tastes like Heaven.

My body is buzzing with the contact and I need to feel myself inside her.

I look into her eyes.

"Are we really doing this, Bella? Last chance to change your mind."

She smiles at me and her smile lights up my world. In this moment, she wants me as much as I want her, I can tell.

"I always wanted you." she says.

I frown and pull back to look at her face,

"I always wanted you to be the one. I always knew our bodies would be perfect together." she whispers.

I am floored.

She traces her finger around my chest, avoiding the area where my bandage is, and I shake my head and smile.

She wanted me? She knew our bodies were meant for each other?

I slide myself inside her slowly, gently, unsure of how many others have prepared her for me.

She feels tight and nervous and in that second I know.

Nobody has been here before.

She waited for me, I just didn't have faith and wait for her.

My heart twists and I carefully pull her closer, avoiding her bandage.

"I am your first, aren't I Bella?"

I ask her confirm my suspicions.

"Don't leave" she says.

"Oh I am not leaving." I assure her.

"Be my first" she pleads and I push in further.

Her body feels like its where I am meant to be, to live.

I am fully encased in her warmth and she hasn't flinched, hasn't stiffened or cried out.

"Is this okay?" I check with her.

"Yes, yes, Edward" she tells me so I continue and pull out again, almost leaving her body.

"Don't leave me" she says again.

"I will never, ever leave you, I love you" I assure her.

We rock together and I gaze into her eyes and she keep eye contact as I bring her closer and closer and she grinds herself against my pelvic bone and suddenly she starts to gasp and push desperately against me.

"Oh God, Oh God, I am..I can feel..I.."

I feel her come around me and she pulls me with her and milks me dry. I am shocked as I never gave myself permission to let go, she did that to me.

I lay there grasping her tightly and she holds me just as close and we fall into a slumber.

I awaken when Bella slips out to go to the bathroom.

I sit up, and grab the glasses and pour her and I some champagne.

She returns to bed and I hand her a glass.

"To us" I toast and she copies me and we drink down the bottle between us.

It feels good to lie here together and laugh and hug and kiss and be happy.

I have achieved one of my goals for her.

She has forgotten that damn wedding between my sister and Jasper and she is relaxed and like she reads my mind, she leans in and kisses my nose.

"Thank you, Edward. I will never forget this night."

"I won't either" I promise her.

The bottle is empty and it rolls away as I roll against her and she opens herself up again and I slip back inside.

"No" she says, wriggling away from me.

"I want you to come in from the back."

Well, I know that move pretty well, so I allow her to roll over and pull her warm body close as I slip inside her again. I can't control myself nearly as well from this angle and I shoot my load before she is even starting. I wait and kiss her neck.

"Don't worry, I can do it again in a minute."

She purrs at me and sucks my thumb into her swollen red lips and rolls her tongue around it.

That's it. Hard as a rock again.

I push inside her further and reach for her clit and we are rocking and sweating and trying to reach our release again.

I feel her start to tighten and shudder and her voice washes over me as I am about to come with her.

"Jasper, Jasper, I love you".

My dick is soft instantly and I jerk back out of her.

She realizes what she said and she puts her hands over her eyes and starts to cry.

I now know how those girls, those substitutes felt and it feels horrible. It feels like the worst feeling in the world.

"I am sorry, Edward. I am so sorry" she cries.

I knew this was a one night deal and the night just ended.

I reach for the bottle of Jack and open it, pouring it down my throat as soon as the lid is open.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I just substituted for Jasper.

My world lays in bits around me and Bella runs to the bathroom and I let her go, don't say a word to her.

I can't even look at her. I look at our wedding photo and tear it in half and drop it on the floor.

I guzzle down the Jack and finally she comes back.

"I am so sorry, and after all you did for me tonight, I just want to die" she says.

"Aw Bella. We are a pair." I slur and pull her in close,sitting her on my lap, offering her the bottle and she drinks from it.

"You want him, I want you and neither of us will ever have what we want the most. Life is a bitch. A fucking horrible, bitchy bitch. A bitchfest of bitchery"

The alcohol depletes the pain and takes the memories away with it. I forget who I am, who I am with, its just a warm body and its crying and grabbing at my bottle.

We share the rest of the bottle and all I know is the darkness in my soul matches the darkness in my head and I fall on my face.

x x x x x x x x x x x

When I awoke, I sat and thought about the night I had forgotten, now clearly back in my memory. Now I recalled every word and action, but the past is just that, the past. Time to move on forward.

.**Please review...**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hi, real life popped up again, dont you hate it,LOL!**

The Wedding

Chapter 16

Fluff

EPOV

Taking Bella and the baby home was terrifying but wonderful and I carefully locked in the babyseat with out precious daughter into the back seat of the Volvo. Family car for my family, safest car statistically on the road. It reeked of new car smell but at least it was brand new and clean.

Bella had improved day by day and was now only taking regular, over the counter pain meds and she looked a lot better than she had. Her color had improved and her weight had stabilized and she was faithfully drinking her high calorie shakes, a habit she had to continue for some months yet. Gabriella was feeding well, both at the breast by day and on the bottle at night. The nurse who fed her last night said she fought like crazy at first and kept stiffening her little body and lying rigid in her arms, resisting her efforts to comfort her. When I arrived at the hospital, the nurse handed the screaming baby to me and she took the bottle from me immediately.

"Well, I see you have what you want now, Little Miss" she commented to the baby."Obviously she is already a Daddy's girl and won't accept replacements."

I couldn't help being glad she already knew and preferred me.

I had not been allowed to even see the baby's nursery so Rose was waiting at home for the big reveal. Bella seemed excited to be at my apartment and she eagerly walked inside ahead of me as I followed with my tiny daughter in my arms. My heart was so full and excited, I still feared now and then that it was all a dream and I would wake up back in the bad place I had been up until last week. My life had changed completely, like day and night.

Suddenly I had a wife again and unbelievably a daughter, I could not wipe the grin off my face.

Rose hugged Bella and then stood still and just admired my daughter with open envy.

"You lucky, lucky bastard. I never thought I would say that to you, of all people, Edward. Especially after all these months of being so gutted for you and all you lost, I admit I at times, thanked God I was not you. Now look at you, I have never seen you this happy, ever. Can I hold her?"

I reluctantly carefully handed Gabriella into Rose's arms and showed her how to support the baby's head and I leaned and kissed her tiny forehead before forcing myself to take a few steps back and give Rose the space to get to know this baby. Rose sat down and unwrapped the pink blanket and touched the tiny little fingers and toes.

"God, Edward, so perfect. I want one of these."

Bella watched with an amused look on her face.

She knew how it felt to hold a miracle, well, an extra special miracle in this case.

We had managed to put all our negativity on hold and agreed our priority had to be creating a place of safety and serenity for the baby. And surviving together, no matter what lay in front.

"Go look at the nursery.I planned to be there and point out every detail but somehow, this baby is so much more interesting, its just a room. I did my best, go look and pretend its as precious as she is."

Bella led the way and slowly opened the door. The lower half of the walls were covered in bright pink and white striped wallpaper and the top half in bubblegum pink paint. The ceiling was snowy white as was all the baby furniture. The crib was canopied with a white and pink gingham checked fabric canopy and the sheets matched. The whole room screamed special, most precious little girl ever, which was so fitting.

Bella wandered around, touching the pretty dresses and picking up tiny sox and shoes and hats and blankets, a little gobsmacked at the amount of clothing and toys our daughter already owned.

"Thank you, Edward. She would have had so little if it had been just me providing for her" she said, a little embarrassed by the largess.

"Bella, this is all nice and pretty but all she needs is love and protection and she would have had that with you. I know you would have always put her first."

She still looked sad and shamefaced whenever we spoke of her and the baby. I hope so sincerely one day she can be forgiven by the person she most needs forgiveness from..herself.

I have tried my best to let it go, I cannot both linger back in the darkness and give myself wholly to my new family so I made a conscious choice to let one go and concentrate completely and wholeheartedly on the other.

I had to choose hope and love over regret and loss.

The sound of voices alerted us to the arrival of my sister and Jasper and their baby.

Rose and Alice managed to swap babies and now my sister sat, gazing in open admiration at my child. Our child.

We returned to the sitting room and sat down after greeting them.

Bella looked okay but she was easily tired so I hoped they would all make this a flying visit and let us relax and begin to adjust to living together as a family.

I made coffee and tea and the babies were placed in the crib, next to each other. Alice kept sneaking back to the nursery to check on them and snap a thousand photos of the two lying together.

I badly want these little ones to grow up together and always be best friends as well as cousins.

Alice and Rose both discuss how much they long to have daughters of their own and Emmett calls us to attention and announces he and Rose will be getting married in six months time. He then adds, he hopes the morning sickness will not cause any problems at the wedding.

"Rose, you are pregnant?" squealed Alice.

"Uh, no" she answers, looking at Emmett puzzled.

"She will be, tonight" he promises, holding out his hand to Rose.

"Yes!" says Alice, jubilantly."I knew we could wear you both down. Both these babies have worked their magic spell on you two."

Bella was fairly subdued and a little overcome by the attention and noise. She had been away from us all so long, I think she had forgotten how full on we could be, laughing and talking over one another.

Jasper followed Bella out when she went to check on the babies herself. I watched them go and knew he had a lot of making up to do to get Bella back in his life. He had missed her terribly and had so many regrets about how he had treated her, and was especially regretful at how he had tossed the money at her and told her to go. I know he was simply protecting myself and his wife but he had been Bella's best friend and he knew how badly he had betrayed her.

When the details of how she had needed to work and struggle simply to survive had been aired between ourselves, he had laid his head on the table and cried, not caring who saw the depth of his pain.

Alice had rubbed his back and kissed his cheek but he had truly hated himself in that moment.

"I should have made sure she was okay." he said a hundred times that day. "She needed friends too. No matter what, I should have stood by her. You had Rose and Emmett and Alice, I turned her away and left her with no-one. Thank God Jake was a true friend and accepted her faults and all. I feel like I never deserved her friendship and loyalty now. I don't even know how to start fixing this. She will never forgive me."

I know this was all still fresh in his mind as he haltingly followed her down the hallway.

Their voices were low and had the rest of us not immediately stopped talking and listened, we would not have heard.

"Bella, I have no words to express how sorry I am. You were always so loyal to me and I wasn't there the one time you needed me. I can never forgive myself or expect you to forgive me."

"Jasper, I don't blame you. You were Edward's friend at a time when he needed you kept him alive and I am so grateful for that alone."

"But I wasn't there for you and that would be bad enough. Turning you away...I have had nightmares ever since. I never deserved you. I can see now what a shallow friend I was to you, turning on you at the first sign of trouble."

"Jasper, I forgive you. Do you forgive me?"

"I do, of course I do. I should have hated the deed and loved the doer. I have always loved you as my very best friend, Bella. I have paid, believe it or not. I missed you every day you were gone."

"I missed you, too, Jaz."

"No, you needed me and I turned my back on you, there is a vast difference. I have no idea what I can do to make this up to you in any way but believe me, I will try, until the day I die, I will do my best."

"Just go back to being my best friend, Jaz. That's all I want."

"I promise you this, Bella. If you ever need me, I will be there, no questions asked. My days of judging others are over, I should have looked at my own actions and realized I was the one lacking in compassion and love."

"We all get lost, sometimes." she answered sadly.

I stood and smiled at the others, who were all listening intently and living with their own regrets.

"I think Bella needs to rest now. Thanks for coming."

Emmett and Rose jumped up and gathered up Rose's belongings and Alice fetched her baby and kissed Bella goodbye and wished us luck for a fairly peaceful night. We wished her the same and I kissed my nephew goodbye for now.

With them gone and Gabriella asleep, I felt suddenly a little shy and overcome. Bella was back.

I gave up thinking, knowing there was no perfect thing to say to her. I have to show her I still love her and want her and need her with me, words will come in time but for now, she needs to be assured she made the best decision when she chose to come home with me.

I walked to her and opened my arms and breathed a sigh of relief when she walked into them.

I closed myself around her body and rested my chin on her head and we just stood for a while, adjusting to being back together.

"Let's just go and lay down" she asked and I took her hand and showed her our bedroom and we kicked off our shoes and lay together and she drifted off to sleep. I know we were always meant to be together and I will find a way to fix us, somehow.

Nothing else is acceptable.

Her body inched closer to mine as she slept, and I smiled that in sleep, she knew too.

I attended to the baby and did the night feeds. It was nice to have some alone time with her and I actually looked forward to each session, sitting in the rocking chair, feeding her a bottle of warm formula in her dimly lit nursery. It was a pretty room and she would love it when she got old enough to appreciate it. I changed her diaper before her feed and hummed quietly to her, hoping the calm and dimness would teach her, this is night and that's when we all sleep but I knew, I would miss this closeness when she did start sleeping through the night and I only saw her days, and then only mornings before I had to go and late afternoons when I got back home.

I wished we could just leave and go live in a house in the suburbs and be a picture perfect family.

I had just slid back into bed when Bella stiffened and started to scream in her sleep and it flung realty back in my face. We had a long way to go to be a picture perfect family.

I held her tight and spoke outloud and she paused and listened to my voice. Her body instantly relaxed at my words and she sighed, snuggled in closer to me and settled back into a peaceful sleep.

Last week nobody needed me, now I had the two precious girls who owned my heart both depending me. It felt good.I finally felt like a man.

BPOV

Living with Edward again was not as easy as I expected. The looks I caught on his face when he wasn't aware I was watching him showed so many emotions. He was obviously happy we were here with him and he was trying so hard to make me relax and feel welcome but there was still a strain between us and I was as responsible as he was. I had already had months to work through my regrets and find a way to live with them so they didn't take over my whole life and leave me crippled and brooding but Edward hadn't. This was all new for him. He had a long way to go yet before he truly accepted me, warts and all. He wanted to, if he could have waved a wand and made the past months disappear and changed things so I had stayed and he hadn't thrown me out, he would have and I knew that.

The pain of that rejection still stung.

Even though I knew my actions brought that situation on, I still felt nervous and skittish about what would happen next time we hit a problem. We needed to work out how to accept each other and cope, that was obvious, it was the lack of trust on either side that was hampering us.

I had betrayed his trust that I would protect his unborn child. He had never imagined I would be capable of doing what I did, regardless of the reason and the outcome, it had changed his perception of me. He was fighting it, every day he tried to see me as he had before, but I could always detect the struggle in his soul when I looked into his eyes. They used to be so happy to see me, no matter what, now they were guarded and his inner feelings showed.

I had never expected him to desert me. I had not known, truly, how he would react to the abortion as I had no prior knowledge about how he felt towards his enforced, accidental fatherhood and I had gone back to him that day, uncertain if he would see what I had tried to do as the right or the wrong thing. For all I knew, he may have insisted I go back and have the operation done properly. It wouldn't have happened as I would have voluntarily left him instead but I never knew he would be destroyed by my actions or I would never have listened to Carlisle.

Just as I saw the advantage of the marriage as a way to achieve what I wanted from him, I assumed he only saw the pregnancy as a way to keep me with him, not as something he was happy about and would have chosen.

How do we move on from here with these gray clouds hanging over us? I didn't doubt his love for me but can you rebuild trust again, really, or will it always color the way we see each other? Nights were bad, often Edward would talk in his sleep, now that it was constantly interrupted by Gabriella's feeds, his defences were down and he would say things he would never say in daylight. They were all based on "she killed my baby" and "why did she hate me so?" and 'how could she have done this?" and the killer, "I wish I had never touched her now."

The truth may set you free but it can also maim and destroy.

I started to nap in my own bedroom during the day and as the first weeks passed and we got no closer to sorting our issues, I decided it was time to take a step back and sleep separately and allow ourselves some space and time to really decide what we were to each other now and if we were going to want to fix us. We had to put the baby first but even she would hardly choose to grow up in an atmosphere of such distrust.

My weight had increased to the point even the doctor agreed we could dispense of the bottle feeds so I bought a wooden cradle and placed it in my blue and brown bedroom, beside my bed, and used the excuse it would be best for Gabriella and I to sleep in there so Edward could finally sleep through the night now, and scarily, he didn't argue.

He had been withdrawing from me, a bit at a time. Although he kissed me goodnight, he had often simply rolled away and lay with his back to me to sleep, so it wasn't like we touched any more anyway. I missed his contact but I got used to it just as I had when I lived away from him.

He missed Gabriella though, and was always desperate to hold her once he woke in the mornings. He would come into my room and scoop her up and press his lips all over her face as she giggled and grabbed at his nose.

I won't consider taking her away, we will live here in his apartment as I promised, but we are more flatmates than anything else.

It was a bittersweet day when the doctor proclaimed I was fully healed and wanted to talk contraception with me. I wasn't taking the Pill and risking losing my milk supply so I delayed making any decision until such a time came that I needed to consider birth control. That didn't seem to be coming any time soon.

Edwards approaching finals meant he was studying all hours of the night and it was a relief when the actual exams came and were over.

He passed with honors as we all expected and he was now a fully fledged music teacher.

I was proud of him and the graduation ceremony was another milestone.

His parents came and I spent some time talking with both Esme and Carlisle in the days that followed.

Edward had a little time off while waiting to see what schools were interested in hiring him, before the new school year began. He had missed his special father/daughter bonding so we sat back and talked while he took his daughter out on little outings before he would once again be forced apart from her when he started teaching.

Carlisle was devastated that we had not managed to overcome our problems as he had earned Esme's forgiveness long ago and they were back on their former, close footing.

Esme was plain broken hearted.

She was visibly upset to see Edward and I had separate bedrooms and when she noticed how little interaction there was between us, and none at all when Gabriella was napping, she burst into tears and an embarrassed Edward left the room. It was left to me to try and explain, we just couldn't seem to overcome the past and our shaky start and while we were comfortable being in the same apartment, we really didn't even cut it as friends.

Once Edward started teaching, I found being at home with a baby who couldn't yet hold a conversation unfulfiling and I decided I wanted to work part time to break the monotony and extreme loneliness of my life.

I had always had friends around me. I missed Jacob badly, he was my sun and I had him when nobody else thought I was worth saving. Now we deoended on phone calls and texts and emails to keep in touch.

Alice encouraged me to work and offered to mind the baby, saying she was stuck at home with little JJ anyway. She couldn't bear to be parted from him yet so she had no plans to work again in the foreseeable future so it seemed the perfect solution and I started exploring my options. I had no qualifications seeing I hadn't completed college.

Edward accepted my decision but suggested I go back and finish my course instead and I realized he was right. It was an opportunity I should grasp onto to as if we didn't stay together, I would need to be able to earn a better income than I had before. He was willing to pay all my fees and so I enrolled and attended several sessions with the guidance counselor to work out what classes I needed and how I could make up for what I had missed.

My schedule was not too heavy. Gabriella slept through most nights so I had a renewed energy and could handle the 8am start most days and the 3pm finish. Alice was happy with that time frame so, I took courage and returned to college to take up where I had left off.

The best thing was being amongst adults again and making new friends who knew nothing of my past.

They knew I lived with Edward and had a child with him but they also knew we were not together, so I had to endure girls asking me if Edward was available and some girls simply befriended me in the hope they would get closer to him.

It seemed inevitable that we would eventually start to see other people and so I was somewhat prepared when Edward raised the question of if I was okay with him maybe dating. He was working closely with one of the other new teachers and she seemed to be the tonic he needed and Gabriella and I enjoyed his new state of happiness, even if it was coming from his friendship with another woman.

EPOV

Starting to work and meeting Afton made me start to accept that sometimes you just have to let go and move on. I never want to lose Bella as a friend but lately I am not even sure we would pass as that. Too much baggage, too many broken hopes and dreams. Too much to overcome.

She hadn't seemed surprised when I raised the topic of dating, even though our official status as a married couple hangs over us, we are not that.

Maybe we never were.

Sometimes it seemed there had always been too much against us to ever have hoped we could just be a couple.

Afton was a breath of fresh air to my jaded heart and she quickly made me look forward to going to work each day, even though I hated leaving Gabriella. I was open about my situation from the start so she knew she was agreeing to take on a man with a checkered past and a future that would be far from simple.

If we ever progressed to the point where I needed to divorce Bella, it would mean years of waiting on her part before would be free to move on ourselves.

It was Bella herself who realized that and suggested we file now and thus begin the process of freeing ourselves legally in the off chance one of us would want to marry again some day.

I was a little sad as I signed the papers that would begin the ending of our union but as she pointed out, we had never been a normal married couple anyway. I didn't regret having the annulment reversed, it was a lie and I had needed the marriage to be real and acknowledged, for Gabriella and for myself.

I felt like our relationship had always been like a mist, there in front of us, we could see it and feel it, but when we reached out for it, it was not solid and touchable, it just disappeared and blew away with a light breeze.

I was nervous the first time I took Afton home to meet Bella and my daughter but Bella was as warm and welcoming as she was with our friends and Afton relaxed visibly within minutes. Gabriella was in a good mood and she was quite fascinated by Afton's very long, very blond hair.

She tried to grab it and no doubt wanted to taste it, everything these days went straight into her mouth to be gnawed and explored.

I went to bed that night, after taking Afton back to her place, with a feeling my life may just work out after all.

A few days later, Bella suggested we move and look for adjoining apartments as she had no desire to see me bring Afton home with me for the night and she didn't want Gabriella exposed to different women in daddy's bed.

It made sense but I feared I would spend even less time with my daughter than I did now. Bella assured me, I could be with the baby whenever I wanted. I found a nice complex where two apartments were available on oppsing sides of the hallway so our front doors lay directly in view from each others.

The right hand apartment had 3 bedrooms and bathrooms, the left hand one had four. Bella decided she wanted the smaller one as she did not plan to ever have another child, though she didn't explain further. I definately wanted to experience a pregnancy I was there for, so it made sense I would take the larger with the idea, one day it may be a family home.

We both assigned a bedroom for Gabriella and Bella had Rose and Alice help her decorate them. The bedroom in my apartment had pale blue walls with pink accessories. Bella's was a reproduction of the first nursery as she loved what Rose had done and she wanted Gabriella to feel at home immediately.

Bella set the third bedroom up as a guest room and study, while I kept mine as a guest room, my bedroom, Gabriella's room, and a playroom.

Afton and I dated twice a week but I had yet to allow us to move on to a sexual relationship. She had shown willing, but I still needed to know this was it for me before moving to that stage. I did buy some condoms, just to be sure I was prepared and ready for when the time came, as I didn't want to fall into any more situations that would dictate how I had to respond whether ready or not.

I was sure it would be two or three years before I was ready to have another child no matter how fast things progressed with Afton.

Bella came over into my apartment to hand over the baby before she left for the night and of course, I was unpacking the groceries and she saw the condoms.

I felt a little uncomfortable but she simply picked the packet up and said how much easier things would have been for us had we used condoms that night, the night we foolishly got married.

It made me determined to be patient, and be sure and get everything right from now on.

Afton would have to accept a delay in progress of our relationship and not try to push me before I was ready for the next step.I even considered asking her to wait until we were married, if this was where we ended up, before consummating. She was surprised and a little disappointed as she had always begun her former relationships with a sexual bond as well as dating so this would be a whole change for her.

We both had a lot to think about and weigh up, to see if we were on the same page and could agree to compromise and maybe wait until we were engaged rather than married.

I noticed a few weeks later that Bella was leaving the baby with me regularly every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday nights. It seemed a little strange as we had no agreement which nights I would have her and I had assumed we would have her alternate nights.

I opened my door to go ask her for a favorite toy she had neglected to bring over, and came face to face with a neatly dressed, broadly smiling Jacob Black, knocking on Bella's door, flowers and box of chocolates in hand. He turned and greeted me and the baby in my arms and asked if she was sleeping better than last week when she had awoken twice in one night from the slight cold she had.

I then was hit with the realization, Bella had moved on as well, something I had given very little thought to and I felt an old familiar knife stab and twist painfully in my gut.

Suddenly the whole question of whether I was ready to move on and date was insignificant as it was overshadowed with the question, was I ready to watch Bella date other men, or more likely just Jake, and was I truly ready to let her go?

Her door opened and her eyes lit up as she leaned in and kissed Jacob, then she noticed me and I think I somehow I managed to not growl as the only thought in my mind was "mine".

I managed to hide my reaction as I collected Gabriella's teddy bear that she insisted on sleeping with,which Bella knew full well and should have brought over earlier. She was probably too distracted with thoughts of her big date tonight I thought bitterly. Later when Afton rang I told her I needed more time and space and maybe she should just forget about waiting for me as suddenly, whatever I had felt for her seemed insignificant compared to the fire in my heart and loins when I watched Jacob Black walk out the door with my wife.

BPOV

Jake and I made for the car and talked about how his girlfriend Renesmee and he were progressing. We arrived at the club and walked in to meet Alice and Rose.

"Well?" asked Alice, excitedly.

"Did it work? Is Edward sitting at home brooding over his wife dating her old buddy Jake?"

"I think it had the desired effect, his hands couldn't have been fisted much tighter" said Jake, ordering a round of drinks.

"Alice" I said with a little smug satisfaction, "he growled!".

We all laughed, and I hoped we were doing the right thing. I need my Edward back and I need him to want and need me again.


	17. Chapter 17

**Yeah yeah, disclaimer, I am not SM, she owns Edward, I borrow him but always give him back in excellent condition, I rarely lend him out despite all the beggings pm's, Sexward is My husband and no you can't borrow him. (This will mean nothing unless you have read Row 61).**

**What I meant to write was, I tried to upload this before and fanfic said they are down for maintainence for 2 hours so I did try! They failed!**

**I have an awesome reader named Jennmc75 Please read and review her stories. I just read the one about Charlie and its excellent. I plan to read them all but cant review at present because ff is down so I will read them when its up again. She needs to be put on the Awesome but Unappreciated list, someone who knows how to do that. I am on it, I thank whoever put me there.**

The Wedding

Chapter 17

Reclamation Begins

EPOV

I sat down and tried to give my daughter attention as she sat playing with her toys on my sitting room floor but all I could think about was Bella dating Jacob. I know he has always been there for her and maybe is even the better man for her but she is mine. What the fuck was I even thinking, dating Afton? Sometimes my brain drops out of my head and resides in my ass, I swear.

I had all the clues, my reluctance to sleep with her, dating her only two nights each week, none of this is me and how I would date Bella. But I think I saw an easy out, instead of facing our problems head on and working through them, I looked for the easy road out of town.

I assumed Bella would always be there for me but I know Jake will leave once he finishes his college course as I, I Edward Cullen, bought him a house and a garage, a lifetime worth of reasons to live in Forks. And if he and Bella move on to the next level, he will take her and my daughter back with him when he goes.

The thought of that rips my heart in two.

I could not live without Bella. Granted, I can't live with her at the moment, we need our space to get things sorted but have I pushed her too far away or can I be a contender for her heart?

I need help.

When Gabriella starts to fall asleep, I scoop her into my arms and lay her in her crib.

She is quick to drift off properly and now I have to concentrate on what the hell I can do to reclaim my Bella. My first instinct is to kick my own ass and recite "Edward is an ass" for a few hours but that won't get me anywhere.

I decide to ring Jasper. He is always full of real ideas and suggestions whereas Emmett will tell me to go drag Bella home and lock her in the basement. If I had a basement I would consider it.

"Hi Jasper. How are you? How's the baby? Good. Can you talk? Alice is out? Fine.

I have just discovered Bella is dating Jacob Black and I need some help. What? Yes, I was dating Afton but it wasn't serious.

No, I don't love her, I hardly know her. She is just someone I work with and the atmosphere at our apartment got too heavy and we were always down with the past and everything, I needed a way to lighten up and find some hope for the future again. Yes, Jasper, I am an ass.

Yes, I agree, I don't deserve Bella but that won't stop me fighting for her. You knew she was dating Jake? Why didn't you give me the heads up?

Alice approves? My own sister approves of my Bella dating Jacob? I started it? I put Bella in a position where she felt she had to find someone else because the writing was on the wall for us?

God, Jasper, please do kick my ass.

I risked my wife and my daughter because Afton is a nice person who seemed like a respite from the agony of being around Bella but not being able to have her completely.

Yes, I agree, I think its time I turned to therapy to work through my issues. I have such bad dreams, Jasper. The dark place tries to reclaim me and I can't talk to Bella about it without putting her back into her own cloud of guilt and pain. She sees a therapist? Every Tuesday night? I had no idea. No, I never read the statements, I just pay whatever debts she runs up on the card without reading what they are.

Do you think she and Jake are serious yet? He made a comment about Gabriella waking up a couple of times one night and now I can't get the image out of my head, Jacob in her bed.

You don't think they are sleeping together? Alice said Bella isn't nearly ready for that yet?

Oh thank God, Jasper, thank God.

She just needs him to hold her at night when her nightmares start? Why didn't I remember that? She has found it impossible to sleep alone since she came back. God, I have to be there for her at night, at the very least.

Talk to Bella? You think I should talk to Bella and find out where she is at? What she wants?

I hadn't thought of that. I will wait up for her to come home tonight.

Yeah, but if I wait until tomorrow, what if tonight is the night?

She may be sleeping with him without telling Alice everything, you know.

You don't think so?

Fine.

But I am waiting up until she comes home.

Thanks Jasper, I will think about everything you said.

How did I feel? I think you know how I feel. Like the sun just left my sky and moved to his. Like all I had was tiny glimpses of starlight to see by. Like the warmth had disappeared and my body is so cold, Jasper, like my blood has turned to ice.

Oh yes, I wanted to hit him. I wanted to tear him limb from limb. I almost growled, in fact, I think I did growl. All I could see was, he was taking what was mine, stealing from me.

I guess you are right. I never know what I want until I lose it. I have always been the same. But this time, I am going to fight for her, Jasper. I am not going to sit back and let her be his, unless the day comes when she tells me she will never have feelings for me and wants me to leave. Until then, she can have whatever part of me she needs and I will be fighting.

Thanks Jasper.

Good night."

I sat and thought about everything Jasper had said. I had forced her hand. I had made her feel like I didn't want her any more.

That was not true and never would be.

I know I delude myself that I can live without Bella and find a substitute for her but that's all they will ever be. A substitute for the woman I love.

I feel ashamed I was willing to use a nice girl like Afton to try and find a new substitute but I didn't go through with it. At least I didn't sleep with her although I admit, all my fantasies about what would happen when I did invite her into my bed were the same.

I cringe at the image.

Afton laying in front of me, me entering her from the back.

I can never look into a pair of eyes that are not the melted chocolate ones I love. I can never love another woman properly, like she deserves because any woman I take will always be Bella.

I would have cheated them both.

Afton would never have my whole heart. The important bits will always be Bella's.

I opened my front door and sat down facing it, waiting. I hear them before I see them. Bella is laughing and Jake is telling her a story about something they did years ago and how he will never forget each and every day they have spent together.

It hurts to hear it. She has spent so little time with me, really.

We don't have that supply of happy stories to dig into and relive.

They both pause at her door when they notice my door is ajar and they both glance at me.

"I hope you had a good evening" I lie.

I know they did.

"Yeah, thanks. We ran into Alice and Rose, we had a blast." says Jacob Black.

Oh great, my sister is out partying with my enemy.

Bella gives me a quick smile and pulls Jake into her apartment and I watch the clock and count the minutes until he leaves. If he stays the night, I will watch the door all night.

Maybe I will have some emergency with the baby and need to interrupt them.

Seven minutes.

You can do a lot in seven minutes.

Eight minutes.

I stand and pace my floor.

I try to picture just what they could be doing.

Twelve minutes.

The hand on my clock moves slowly, so slowly.

I watch it intently.

Fifteen minutes.

Right.

That's it.

I have to go there.

I knock on Bella's door and I hear Jake say "Yes, I win!".

I don't know what he won but it had better not be a night with my wife.

They open the door, holding coffee cups, looking innocent.

That's never a good thing.

I stare at Bella's lips.

Whenever I kissed Bella, you could tell my her lips, they would look red and swollen.

Her lips are red but she is drinking hot coffee.

How red do her lips get from coffee?

I can't remember and its killing me.

Jake looks bemused but he is standing close to her and , what, he has an arm around her shoulders.

That's just rude.

You don't do PDA's in front of a woman's husband.

I suppress a growl.

"Edward? Did you want something?". Bella breaks the silence and I resist the urge to tell her exactly what it is I do want.

I want her in MY bed.

I want her naked and reaching for me.

I want her to call out my name as she comes.

I want her to love me.

I want her to love me.

"Can I have a word when Jake leaves?" I ask.

When Jake leaves.

Yes, I do expect Jake to leave.

Soon.

"Of course" she answers.

She smiles at Jake.

I glare at them both and turn abruptly and walk back into my apartment, leaving my door wide open.

I am waiting.

Leave.

Its late.

You both have class tomorrow.

Leave.

Goddamn it, just go home now, Jacob.

Her door opens and she kisses Jake lightly on the lips but the way his hands sit on her hips and pull her in closer infuriate me.

I know what he is thinking.

I thought those thoughts for years.

He is imagining her naked and he is lining her body up with his.

He is planning how far to go next date.

He is thinking he can claim what is mine.

"Call me so I know you get home safely." she says.

He lives five minutes away.

Why wouldn't he get home safely?

Why is she being so over protective of him?

He finally kisses her properly and I hold my breath and try not to watch because it feels like, as they kiss, something is dying in my heart and I refuse to let it die.

Live and fight, I order.

Its not too late, I promise my heart.

He walks to the elevator and her eyes stay on his retreating figure then, when the doors finally close, she turns to me.

Her lips are red and swollen.

I can't help myself, I walk to her and grab her into my arms and kiss her like she deserves to be kissed, like a man who loves her would kiss her.

She doesn't fight me or push me away.

She goes along with the kiss and returns the favor.

I pull her in closer and feel her body against mine and it feels right, like home, like the other half of me just found this half again.

I finally let her go and I stand back, looking into her doe eyes.

She is happy, she is as turned on as I am.

I hate that I have to walk away and not seal the deal because she knows now that she is mine.

Bella stands there, gasping to catch her breath.

I kept the oxygen away a little too long maybe but she never fought for me to let her go.

"I need to talk to you tomorrow" I tell her harshly and shut my door and go to bed, leaving her to think about and compare those two kisses.

His was firm and heartfelt, I am sure.

But mine was filled with love, with desire, with a message.

You are mine.

Don't ever forget that again.

BPOV

I walk inside and slowly shut my door.

Alice was right.

He loves me.

He just forgot for a while that we are one.

He sure remembers it now.

His body knows my body and it communicated so much between us as we kissed.

I know I have to stick with the game plan and not allow him back until he has worked through everything and opened his heart to me fully.

But someone tell my ladies bits that because they are on fire and out of control.

They want him back.

They miss him.

They remember him.

I pace the floor and try to calm down but my head is full of images of Edward and I together.

We were good.

We were very good.

We were real.

I want him back.

I miss him.

I remember him.

I fall into bed after a brisk cold shower and will myself to sleep.

Images begin as soon as I slip into slumber.

Its the wedding.

I am crying and he is reaching for me, holding his arms open to me.

He pulls me inside.

I am drinking champagne, I am dancing close to him and his arms surround me for the very first time.

It feels like home.

It feels like where I always should have been.

My body is aware of every inch of his.

I rub his arms, I need to feel him.

I recoil because my heart is not thinking of Jasper, it is thinking of Edward and its not just my body that craves him.

He rubs his hands up and down my body.

I feel a feeling, like love.

I can't help myself.

I lean up and kiss him.

He kisses me back.

I push my tongue inside his mouth.

He moans.

My body shakes.

He made me shake.

He shook me.

I am crying but its not all about my loss. Its about the time I wasted.

Its about the arms I could have been in.

Its about the love I could have opened myself out to accept.

Its about Edward.

Its about Jasper.

Its about losing my safety net.

Its about knowing even Jasper is gone and I am vulnerable to the one who can hurt me the most.

We leave and I try to pull him to his car but he refuses to take me there.

I need to feel him inside me.

Like his body promised me the first day we met.

I ask him to fuck Jasper out of my system.

I need to say Goodbye to Jasper and my dreams, my silly, juvenile dreams.

My safe dreams.

I always felt safe with Jasper.

Why?

Because as much as I love him, he can't break me.

He can hurt me by deserting me when I needed him.

He can take his safety shield away.

He can choose Alice and take away my safe option.

He can leave me naked and open to danger.

But he cannot break me.

Only Edward can do that.

.

Edward asks can we go something else,do something that's just for us.

I see the tattoo parlor and I know what I am going to do.

He takes us inside and I ask for a tramp stamp.

I am shocked when the man says he won't put Jasper's name on me.

I hadn't even considered getting Jasper's name.

He explains how a tattoo is forever and I can't believe he thinks he needs to tell me that.

Edward tries to talk me out of having his name on my body.

I am determined to get it.

I want his name on my body.

My body was always his, from that first moment I saw him and brushed my body against him.

I brush against him every chance I get.

I love that connection between us.

I don't understand it.

I never have.

But my body wants to be adorned with his name and I pull the Jasper card to make him allow this.

I hug the chair like it is Edward's body.

They show me styles of script and I choose the prettiest one.

Edward is the prettiest one.

I lay back and revel in the pain as the needles pierce my skin.

I think I even smile, as I lay there with my eyes shut, imagining myself branded with Edward's name.

I need him to claim me and be part of me and my body is his.

It always was, it always will be.

Its like it needs to be marked with his name.

This is all for Edward.

He asks if he can put my name on him, near his heart.

I can't let him do that.

I might break his heart and I don't want him to be marked forever with the girl who denied him and kept him away and loved another.

I snort.

Loved another.

Loved Jasper Whitlock.

I did have feelings for Jasper but when Alice made her claim and he made his feelings known to me, I grasped on and refused to let go.

He was my life preserver.

He was my substitute.

He was the one who saved me from drowning in Edward.

I tested Edward and he failed.

I pushed him away again and again, to see how long he would try.

To see if it was true for him or if he just wanted what he couldn't have.

I knew those other girls wanted him.

I wanted him to want only me.

I wanted him to wait for me.

He failed.

The day he came to school after Tanya's party, I knew, before the rumours even started.

He walked into the schoolyard and he stood a few feet in front of me and his eyes told me everything. Every detail.

He had been in her bed.

She had won..

I had lost.

He looked haunted and lost and scared and broken.

I looked betrayed and lost and scared and broken.

I waited for him to come to me and beg forgiveness.

He didn't.

He turned to Emily and gave in to her demands.

She had wanted him forever.

He had never seen her, though.

While she was trying to attract his attention, he was looking at me.

Now he avoided looking at me and he pretended to look at her.

I caught him staring a few times but he would look away, drop his eyes, hide from me.

But I knew.

I saw.

I heard.

He was in her bed.

I hated her and I hated him.

He knew, but he accepted substitutes.

I turned back to the only constant in my life.

My mom was never there for me.

My dad was emotionally withdrawn and damaged by my mom and her actions.

I was damaged by Edward's actions.

I turned to Jasper.

He had always been there for me.

I clung to Jasper and I let my old feelings re emerge because I could trust Jasper.

He was my constant.

He would save me.

He would turn away from Alice and come and be mine.

Because he was the only one I could trust.

I kicked out every feeling I ever had for Edward but my passion for him remained so I turned it into hate.

I hated as strongly as I loved.

I cursed him and stuck a hateful name on him.

Edward Fucking Cullen.

Because that's what he was settling for.

Fucking.

He never loved those girls.

God, I think he hated Tanya.

You could see it in his eyes.

He hated her but he let her be his first.

His first.

The one he would remember forever.

The one who would always hold a little of his heart.

It should have been me.

I was at that party.

I had watched him drinking with Emmett and Jasper.

I had seen Tanya winding her talons around his body.

I saw her pull him into her room.

I waited for him to slap her aside.

I waited for him to run back out.

I waited.

I waited.

I went home.

I walked along the road in the dark and felt the tears pour down my face.

I knew he was danger but now I knew what that danger was.

He could break me.

He could change me.

He changed me that night.

He completed the change with his eyes the next day.

I wanted his name on my body because he was the first person to own me.

The only one.

I may have been drinking but I made every decision that night.

I wanted him to marry me.

I wanted a part of him nobody else had.

I laughed when we said our vows because I won this part.

Even if he annulled it, I was still his first wife.

He couldn't undo that.

He couldn't forget that.

I was his first.

No matter who he married in the future, I would be there , on his certificate.

First wife.

He would remember me.

I can't wait until we get back to the hotel.

I push him into taking me into a horrid little motel room.

He tastes my body and makes me have my very first orgasm.

"I would rather die kissing you than breathe".

He read my mind.

How did he do that?

He tries to back out, escape from what has to happen.

I use the truth to keep him here.

"I always wanted you" I tell him.

I need him to stay.

"I always wanted you to be the one.

I always knew our bodies would be perfect together."

He made love to me that night.

I had to trick him .

I had to tell him there had been others.

He didn't want to be my first.

But I was determined he would be.

My first.

The one I would remember forever.

The one who would always have a piece of my heart.

Even if it wasn't what he wanted.

I took him in.

I allowed him inside my body and inside my heart.

He knew when he started to enter me that I had lied to him.

"I am your first, aren't I, Bella?"

"Don't leave me" I beg.

"I will never leave you. I love you."

My first.

My only.

My forever.

Our bodies fit perfectly and we come together.

He holds me tightly and I grasp him to me, never wanting this moment to end.

I feel like love is us.

We are love.

We sleep entwined and I dream.

I dream of a future with Edward.

I dream of always being safe in his arms.

I wake up and he gives me more champagne and we drink to us.

Together forever.

We lay side by side and we talk and laugh at us.

There is an us.

There always was but now we have let it live, let it be.

"Thank you Edward.I will never forget this night"

The beginning of us.

The end of Jasper.

I need to say Goodbye so I picture him in my head.

Edward is in my heart and in my body again.

He pushes inside and I love how he feels inside me, moving inside me.

Thank you, Jasper, I think.

You made this possible.

You got us to this point.

I don't need you any more.

But I love you still.

Like you love me.

Edward makes my body sing and I gasp my last goodbye to Jasper.

I love Edward now.

But I will always love you.

My body closes in and shakes and I gasp .

"Jasper, Jasper,I love you."

I want to say thank you as well but something is wrong.

Edward has pushed me away.

What happened?

Oh no, I said that all out loud?

He heard me say I loved Jasper?

I start to cry.

How can I explain?

It's not what it sounded like.

"I'm so sorry, Edward, I am so sorry."

He did everything I asked of him.

He passed all the tests.

This time I trusted him.

I just spoiled it all.

He will never trust me now.

I want to thank him.

You showed me love.

You made me acknowledge my love for you.

You took me home to your arms.

And now I have ruined it all.

I run to the bathroom and cry.

I have to fix it.

I can't let this just end.

It can't just be thrown away.

I stand and look at him, out the door.

He has our wedding photo.

He rips it in half and throws us away.

Too late, my heart cries.

Too late.

"I am sorry Edward. After all you did for me tonight."

Everything I asked.

He grabs me onto his lap and pours some alcohol down my throat.

He has already obliterated us from his mind.

I let him obliterate us from mine.

It never happened.

Tonight was just a dream.

I let it go.

Ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.

We never were.

Its like we never existed.

Goodbye, us.

I start as I wake up.

That can never happen again.

This time, we fix us and hold on to us.

I have a shower and get dressed.

The coffee machine is making my first cup of the day and I pour one for Edward as well.

I walk to his door.

Its open and he is sitting there with a sleeping Gabriella on his lap.

He stands and takes her back to her crib in his nursery.

I hand him his coffee and wait for him to speak.

"Are you and Jake exclusive?"

"No. he is dating another girl, Renesmee."

I know he will hear about this so I get it out there right away.

"Dating" another girl.

He loves Renesmee with all his heart.

Why wouldn't he?

She is beautiful and kind and willing to allow this charade.

She wants everyone to be as happy as she and Jacob are.

Even me, a stranger to her.

She is willing to let others see and judge what really is just a silly game.

A lie.

Even though they will believe it is real.

Just because I am Jake's friend, she makes this sacrifice.

She is as pure of heart as he is.

I am glad he found her.

I won't allow anything to come between them.

The minute she gets uneasy, its over, done, gone.

I will take my chances with Edward rather than risk their love.

"Then would you allow me to date you too?" he asks.

"But you are dating Afton" I answer.

"No, I am not. Not any more. I know where my heart lies."

I cannot rush back to him.

We need to do this right.

This feels like the last chance and if we go wrong again, it will disappear.

It will be a goodbye to life, to love, to us.

"I would like that, Edward" I answer sincerely.


	18. Chapter 18

The Wedding

Chapter 18

First Date

Edward's POV

For some reason, I can't help but feel nervous. I have dropped the baby off at Alice and Jasper's for the night. She has her teddy bear, her favorite blanket, her bottle, she will be fine.

It's not her I am nervous about.

I am taking Bella out and it's like our first date almost.

Unless you count that night as our first date. I don't think we can, seeing that was a night of tattoo's and drinking and getting married and making love and losing it all by morning. I don't want to think of that night at all any more.

Bella is waiting for me at the front of our building and she looks breathtaking. Her hair is floating freely about her shoulders in the gentle breeze. She has a short black dress on and knee high boots and the gap between the boots and the hem of her dress beckons me so I force my eyes to her face.

My body has missed her so much, it wants to be home again but we have agreed we can't go there yet. Things get too confused and out of hand when we end up in bed. It doesn't solve anything.

My therapist is amazing. I never really liked therapy and always wondered if it actually achieved anything but it is changing me and my problems so it must be okay sometimes.

I have been able to really listen and see Bella's point of view and I can now accept what she told me.

She did it for me. She wanted to give me my life back.

I think I can move on now, past it. There's too much to lose otherwise.

My therapist told me I had choices.

Wallow in the misery of the past forever or accept and move on.

Bella hugs me to her and our bodies speak to each other so I quickly back away a few steps before mine gets any ideas.

I lean and kiss her quickly on the lips so she doesn't take the step back as rejection.

"So, where are we going?' she asks me.

"I thought maybe dinner and then maybe a movie? Basic first date stuff?"

I don't know what she does when she goes out with Jake. I know they went to a club but I don't want to share her with a crowd of noisy people.

The place I have chosen has a small dance floor and quiet music.

The restaurant is fairly full but I have booked a private table in the very back so we are almost alone and I smile as I face her across the table.

"So, Edward, tell me about yourself" she says.

I smirk. I think she knows all she needs to know but I go along with it.

"What would you like to know, Bella?"

"Tell me about your last girlfriend."

"Okay. Her name is Bella and she is.."

"No, stop. I mean, Afton."

I frown. Afton was never my girlfriend.

"I sort of dated Afton but she was never my girlfriend. We were a lot more casual than that. Just good friends, really."

"Good friends? You talked about her a lot."

I suddenly realize how much that must have hurt her. God knows how many types of a fool I am.

"I'm sorry. I just felt like we were going nowhere and I wanted something...normal...some way to cope."

"Did she help you cope?"

"In a way. I needed a break from the loss and the darkness before I lost myself completely and I couldn't burden you with any more worry."

"So, you thought I would prefer to lose you than have you cause me worry?"

"I was not thinking straight. I wasn't in my right mind and I needed something I knew, some way to cope."

Edward, you didn't use her as a..substitute?"

She knows me too well and I grimace and narrow my eyes as I glance up at her.

"You did? Edward, if we can't find new and better ways to handle things, is there any point?"

"Of course there is."

"Well, you sleeping with other women instead of working things out with me seems to be a step in the wrong direction."

"I know, and I am sorry. I don't see her any more. I realized my stupidity the first time I saw you with Jacob."

"Jacob wasn't a substitute."

"No, I know that. Jacob is a rival for your heart. Much more than a substitute."

"Edward, Jacob loves Renesmee. I am not dating him any more."

I brightened up at that piece of news.

"Really?"

Our meals were placed in front of us and I suddenly felt so much more at ease. I didn't have a rival. Jacob wasn't the enemy. I don't need enemies, I have myself. I am my own worst enemy.

I reached across the table and put my hand over Bella's and looked into her eyes. She still looked a little sad but she smiled back at me as the tremor passed from her hand to mine.

The connection was making itself felt. Why do we fight it? What are we both so afraid of?

Bella let my hand stay on hers as she ate her ravioli with her fork and I made an effort to eat mine. I was fascinated as she opened her lips and her tongue came out a little to greet each new piece of pasta. When she licked her lips to remove the last of the sauce, I think I purred.

The things she does to me is completely ridiculous and I am equally ridiculous to ever imagine any other woman can be her substitute.

After we ate, I pulled her onto the dancefloor where two other couples were swaying in their partners arms and I finally had her body pressed close against me again. I relished the warmth and closeness and we found ourselves pulling close to the point where it was getting a little inappropriate to be on a public dancefloor, so I reluctantly stepped back and Bella opened her eyes again as she felt the lack of contact.

"We should go" I whispered in her ear.

"Yes, we should go.' she echoed back to me.

I paid the check and Bella pulled me towards the car.

I then realized she had other ideas beyond the movies.

"Let's just go home" she said brightly but her hooded eyes told me more than her words did.

I wanted to say no but my body already had pointed the car towards home.

We didn't speak but every time I glanced at Bella, she was looking at me intently and often licking her lips and my pants were straining in the effort not to burst.

Bella lost no time waiting for me to open her door and I rubbed my hands through my hair. Do I stop this? Is this a good idea? A bad idea? We are exclusive again. Can we bond as we need to if we are sleeping together? It seemed Bella thought so, therefore it was up to me. Do I stop her?

She was around to my side of the car and threw her body against me and her lips sought mine and ground against my mouth. I opened it, unable to deny her anything. Our tongues were meeting and fighting and swirling and it all became academic. We were doing this,, right or wrong, good or bad.

I pulled her inside and we writhed our bodies against each other as the elevator took us upstairs.

I had my door open and my jacket off as I walked quickly behind Bella as she headed for my bedroom.

Her dress hit the floor and she started to take her right boot off.

"No" I groaned."Keep them on."

She laughed at me and instead undid her bra and threw it on the floor to reside with my shirt and pants as I pulled off my boxers. All she was wearing was a tiny pair of lace panties and her amazing long black boots.

I stepped forward and tore the panties off her, to eager too be polite and wait.

She sighed and grabbed me tighter and fell back on my bed, me on top of her.

"We need a condom" she whispered, sounding frantic and desperate.

I grabbed the box from my bedside table drawer and she suddenly sat up and looked at the box as I struggled to open the cellophane wrapping. It was marked where Bella had run her fingernails over it when she picked it up off my counter that day.

"Is this the box you bought for you and Afton?" she asked suddenly.

"I never..we never.."

"You didn't sleep with her?"

"No" I admitted, wondering where this was headed.

"Get inside me now, Edward" she ordered.

So, that was a turn on for her? Knowing I had thought about being inside another woman but had not followed through?

I ripped the foil open and hastily encased myself in latex.

"Why didn't you sleep with her?" she gasped as I pushed myself inside her.

"Because. she . wasn't. you." I gasped out, back.

"You thought about it. You bought condoms" she replied, writhing beneath me, opening her legs wider to force me in deeper, then using them to grasp me around the waist and the feel of her leather boots made me harder still..

"I thought about it but I knew I would have to take her from the back so I could pretend" I growled at her.

"Fuck, Edward. You waited. You waited for me this time."

"I did" I realized.

"Its always been you. Only you. Never anyone else." I grunted as I pushed myself in and out of her.

"I love that you waited" she said.

"I love that I waited" I answered.

She swung her legs to my front and rested them on my shoulders so I could see her boots beside my face. It made me slip inside her deeper still, and I lifted her perfect little ass cheeks higher with my hands, and she started to moan loudly as the new angle meant I hit her g spot.

"Edwardd" she screamed as she shook and tightened around me, and took me with her.

"Bella, God, my Bella.I love you so much."

We lay beside each other and got our heart rates back to normal then I stood and went to dispose of the condom. Bella was taking the boots off, tossing them to the floor.

"Will you stay with me tonight?' I asked as I lay back beside her and pulled her in close. Why I had thought us being together like this would be a mistake evaded me. We needed each other, in every way. We were good together, our bodies craved each other, what good could come from keeping them apart?

"Of course" she answered. "Maybe its time I went on The Pill, Edward."

"I definitely think that is a good idea" I kissed her face and neck and stroked her arms.

"I want you, all the time." I admitted.

A question I had thought about for a while crossed my mind.

"Bella, when we chose these apartments, you said you wouldn't ever have another baby." I stated."Why not?"

"Because we were splitting up and I would never want anyone elses child inside me but yours." she replied, like it was obvious.

"I would never want a child with anyone but you" I admitted."I want us to have another baby one day. I want to be there for the pregnancy. I want to go out at midnight and buy chocolate chip icecream and peanut butter and whatever else you crave. I want to rub your back and your feet and be there for you."

"We will do that, one day. What's going to happen now, Edward?"

"I think you should move in here and we will continue therapy and we will raise our daughter together like we should be, and we will make it. We never followed any rules and now we need to have some structure and we have our goal, but I don't want to live across the hallway from you. I need you here. In my arms, in my bed. You don't think this was a mistake, do you?"

"We could never be a mistake, Edward."

I held her tight and we both slept and there were no nightmares and no darkness trying to take us back.

In the morning, we made slow, happy love and took our time. Then we showered and dressed and went out for breakfast before collecting a smiling Gabriella.

"Rose and Emmett are apartment hunting!" Alice informed us, with a wide grin.

"Why? And why is this such a big deal? They have lived together for years now."

"Rose is pregnant! They need a two or three bedroom place."

"How about one complete with a pink and white nursery?" suggested Bella.

"What! You are moving back with Edward?"

"Life's too short, Alice. We can work through everything now, and be together and not confuse the baby. Its inevitable we will end up back together anyway so why fight it?"

"It's just a pity it took him sleeping with Afton to make you both see what you were meant to be."

"Hey, I did not sleep with Afton! Why does everyone assume I slept with her?"

"Because its what you have always done, Edward. When you couldn't have Bella, you always got a substitute in."

"He waited for me, this time" Bella said quietly.

Alice hugged Bella tightly and smiled at me.

"Finally, you get it. There is no substitute. You just hurt her and hurt yourself going down that road, Edward."

"Believe me, Alice, I know." I answered and took my Bella's hands in mine.

We arrived back and I started packing up Bella's possessions as she cooked lunch and fed the baby.

"So, Bella, did you wait for me?" I had to ask. I know Jacob spent at least one night in her bed.

"Of course I did. I was never really dating Jacob, it was all Alice's idea, to get you to realize what you stood to lose. It cost me a little bit of money in lost bets, mind you. I bet you wouldn't come over when he was here until he had stayed an hour, he said less than 30 minutes, so he won."

I laughed at that. Good old Jacob. He really would do anything for Bella and I was glad he wanted us to be together enough to help out.

"Shit. We filed for divorce" I panicked.

"The papers are in my bedside drawer, Edward. I never signed them or sent them in."

I was at her side in a flash, kissing her lips and encircling her in my arms.

"Thank you, Bella. For having faith when I lost hope."

"I will never give up on us, Edward. I remember the night of the wedding now and I know now I always knew we were meant for each other."

I went to pack her bedroom and there on the wall was a framed copy of the other wedding photo, the one they kept and didn't give me to destroy.

I had watched over her from this photo the whole time. I took it down, walked to our apartment and hung it in our bedroom.

I had to make an equal gesture but what? I wanted her to know I trusted in us as much as she did.

That night I lay beside her and she snuggled up to me, touching me , running her fingers over my chest, tracing my tattoo, then she sighed and kissed me urgently and I knew she wanted to make up for lost time, so I parted her folds and started to stroke her until she was ready for me, which didn't take long. I grinned at her eagerness to be intimate again.

"I want you to take me from the back" she whispered. I lay my forehead on hers.

"I don't know if I can do that any more, Bella. I want to see you and look in your eyes when we make love. That position is for avoidance."

"Not when your bedroom wall is mirrored" she pointed out and I had to agree.

I lay with her facing the wall of mirror tiles and watched myself rub and tweak her nipples, watched her arch and writhe at my touch, watched my fingers work her clit as I slipped inside her warmth from behind. She caught my eyes and held my gaze as she headed towards her peak and I thrust inside her more urgently as the image of us together this way spurred me on.

"Bella, God, you are so beautiful, I love watching you come for me."

She smiled and opened her mouth to gasp in more air as she started to tighten and as was usual for us, she took me with her.

The sound of her crying out my name as she reached her orgasm filled me with warmth and love.

I could not love her more if I tried.

In the morning, before our daughter even cried out, Bella was awake and her warm hands on my morning wood woke me in a very satisfying way and I was inside her without a conscious thought.

BPOV

Being back with Edward was good and right and how it was meant to be. We got the apartment organized with all our possessions arranged comfortably and spent most of the day taking the baby out for a walk together and playing with her in the local playground. Edward was completely unaware as a few mothers who were meant to be watching their offspring, watched him instead. If it wasn't his insanely good looks, it was his total commitment to our child as he pushed her on the baby swing and carried her around the park.

When we got home, Edward said he had a few things he needed to do and he left.

I cooked dinner and hoped he would be back soon, the baby was bathed and in her pajamas. Rose and Emmett were measuring up my old apartment and talking paint and drapes. They decided to keep the nursery as it is until they know the gender of their baby then do the second bedroom up in blue if it is a boy.

I was about to give up and put Gabriella to bed, even though I knew Edward always wanted to kiss her goodnight, no matter what.

He smiled at us and walked over and took her from me and carried her into her nursery. I stood and watched how amazingly good he was with her. He was born to be a father and I suddenly wished we were at the point where we could have another baby and share a pregnancy together.

It would be so vastly different to last time.

One step at a time, Bella. That day will come.

"So," I asked as we sat down together to eat dinner,"You got everything done that you needed to?"

"I did" he confirmed.

I cleaned the kitchen as he got changed for bed and I was surprised he wore both his flannel pajama pants and an old soft T shirt. Maybe he felt the need for clothes now.

I slid into bed in just my boyshort panties and he rolled me into his embrace and kissed the top of my head.

As much as I wanted a replay of last night or this morning, it was nice, just lying in his arms and sleeping so close to his body again.

Sometime during the night I awoke suddenly as he called out in pain and I groggily realized I was lying virtually on top of him, having had one of my needy dreams again.

"Sorry" I murmured and fell back onto the bed and rolled away from him.

"Its just a bit tender." he answered and I turned back to see him peeling off his Tshirt to check on a white bandage on his upper chest. Edward had a new tattoo? Over his old tattoo?

"I just needed a few words added on." he explained.

"Can I see?"

I asked excitedly.

He peeled back the paper and there , over his heart , were the words....

Bella is My Eternal Love.

We were back.


	19. Chapter 19

The Wedding

Chapter 19

Another Wedding.

BPOV

Alice was unusually upset with Rose, which surprised me.

"That woman has no idea of what a decent wedding ceremony and reception consists of. I mean, Bella, what woman in her right mind wants to be married on a beach? You need a place you can always go back to and relive the ceremony. Not a beach full of half naked unattractive, overweight strangers in bikini's. It will hardly evoke happy memories."

"I would get married outside somewhere. Maybe not a beach. Maybe a meadow, full of wildflowers. I am a little sad at times how Edward and I got married. It was pretty much a non event, more a financial transaction than a wedding. And those two witnesses..I swear they both wanted to lure him out in to the back room and give him a seeing to."

"Do you think you two will ever have a proper reception or something? Maybe you could renew your vows some day?"

"You know what, Alice, that's a good idea. Once Rose's hoopla gets over and done with, I think I will ask Edward if we can do that."

"What would you wear?" she asked. Alice is always the same, its always about fashion.

"I always dreamed of a pink wedding dress. I mean, the whole white for virginity thing is kind of a bit late now we have a child. I think, pink lace, long and pretty, kind of old fashioned."

Alice began to sketch as I spoke and I watched her drawing and corrected the sleeves and the neckline..it was a wedding dress we were talking about, not a strippers outfit.

"OMG Bella, I know the perfect shoes that would go with this. We have to go shopping."

"Alice, one wedding at a time."

"No, they will sell out and the new seasons lot will be different, I know high chunky heels are coming back and that would look ridiculous with a fairy dress like this. Come on."

So, in the midst of planning Rose's nuptials, we were shopping for some vague idea that may never happen. Edward has never expressed any desire to have any kind of reception or party to commemorate our hasty nuptials. I guess, being a man, he just thinks what we did achieved the goal so its done.

I would like the photos on the wall, the memories to share with my family and friends, the special day to video and show Gabriella when she was a teenager and asked about such things. I would hate to have to tell her, your parents got married one night when they were half drunk, depressed, confused, impulsive,and absolutely reckless. And you were conceived that very night.

Better to say we got married legally before her conception but followed it up with this perfect ceremony.

I will talk to Edward about it. We have promised to always discuss any issues, any wants or needs and not let any regrets fester and get out of control.

I must admit, therapy has been amazing for him, his whole attitude has changed completely and I think he now understands. He will never, ever agree but he knows where I was coming from, a position of love, not hate.

I hate that I ever let him think I hated him. If I truly didn't like him, I would have had no feelings at all, never the deep and strong passion he evoked in me from the first day we met.

Alice forces the pretty white open sandals with a half heel onto my feet and makes me walk around the shop so she can imagine me in the theoretical dress.

She has her hand on her chin and is gazing with a faraway look in her eyes.

Suddenly she claps her hands.

"Yes! I can see this happening! They are perfect. It will be a perfect day."

"Slow down, Ali. We have an actual wedding to organize for Rose. Remember her? Our friend?"

"Oh Rose has a wedding organizer, safer that way, she can yell and scream at some woman who gets paid to take her abuse. We need to think about your wedding."

She dragged me to florists and we looked at a hundred photos of bouquets. I liked the simple pink rosebuds and baby's breath, and recalled thats what I had held in my hand that night.

Alice wanted something far grander, a waterfall of exotic orchids and expensive lilies but they were not me.

I was starting to allow myself to daydream about this day that may never come.

We got back and Edward handed the baby over to us. She was starting to take her first wobbly steps to independence. She could get around the furniture in a flash but when she toddled off on her own, she still fell a lot and screamed in frustration.

Alice's son would look quite terrified when Gabriella got into full bellow. He was such a sweet baby, so quiet and shy, so unlike his cousin. I wondered what Rose and Emmett's little baby will be like? I hope they have a boy first because Emmett is such a sports fiend. But I think Rose would like a little girl to dress up and show off.

Alice openly longs for a daughter, to dress in pink and to share her love of dance and drama and fashion when she is older.

"Jasper and I are ready for another baby" she confides in me and I am astonished to feel pure, unadulterated envy.

I hate that I am on the Pill, I hate that we have to wait. I long to be carrying Edward's next baby and have his hands on my belly as it kicks and gets used to his velvety voice and I can almost feel his hands rubbing me gently as the baby tries to settle for the night.

Its silly and romantic and no doubt, its just a reaction to Alice's news, but I cant stop thinking about holding another newborn in my arms. And it would be nice to give birth and be there.

I always thought of Gabriella's entry into the world as an event I missed. I was just gone, long before they knocked me out.

It was like falling asleep and waking up a mother. No in between, very disorienting.

I am so glad Edward was there for us and she had her daddys arms to be placed in.

Edward suggests we go away for a weekend, just the two of us, to the country. I am torn between wanting to take Gabriella with us, and the thought of two whole days and nights of just us, just Bella and Edward so I let the conflict out and we discuss our options.

"You have a three week break from school. How about we have a family weekend the next weekend? When we have time and are still feeling rested from our weekend alone?"

I cave, of course I long for time alone like he does and we should do this.

Alice will have Gabriella for us, she loves having a girl to dress up, we always come back to a hundred new photos of the two babies propped side by side, JJ in little blue sailor suits or whatever has taken Alice's fancy and our daughter in pink and frilly concoctions Alice has made or bought her.

"I will take care of the packing. You go and have a rest or make dinner or play with the baby." Edward tells me the Thursday night beforehand.

I already saw the bag from La Perla in his drawer so I imagine whatever he is packing me to wear, its not suitable to go outside in.

"Please pack some actual clothes, like jeans and tops and such" I ask, standing at our bedroom door, watching Edward as he stands smiling with my black fuck me boots in his hands.

Oh yes, I can imagine what I will be wearing and it had better be heated, this little getaway cottage because so far, I have not seen anything that will keep the chill from my body.

Although, Edward will.

The baby is asleep and I am bored. Dinner is already in the oven, the aroma of the lasagna filling the whole apartment. I am getting tired of apartment living. I want a house, and a dog and somewhere for Gabriella to play outside safely.

My catch up course ends in another month and I will be a graduate. Then I can spend all my time and attention on my daughter and my wonderful husband when he gets home from work.

Although I trust Edward completely, I was happy secretly when he told me Afton had taken a transfer to another city.

I look up family getaway weekends on the net and start calling out different locations to Edward but he assures me, he already has it booked and paid for but he won't reveal where we are going.

I am about to log off when a message from Jake pops up.

"Hey Bells, got December 12th free?"

"Um, probably. Why?"

"Mark it on your calendar. Renesmee and I are getting married."

"Oh Jake, I am so happy. Where?"

"I have booked the garden setting at the Regal Inn. It was the first place she and I went away for a romantic weekend."

I feel another pang of envy. Everyone else seems to be getting the things I want so badly, lately.

"Why so soon? This is pretty late notice."

"Because, theres a little new member of the Black family in the works and Renesmee wants the ceremony before she is showing."

Boy. I should be one hundred per cent happy for them but the old green eyed monster pops up and reminds me, she is getting two things I long for.

I owe so much to Jacob. I can at least fake enthusiasm for their good news via the computer, surely.

He can't see my face , which I am glad of.

"Thats wonderful news, Jacob. I am so happy for you both." And its true.

I love Jacob dearly and am happy he is getting what he deserves in his life.

He chose his path in life, and I chose mine.

I got married at that Eternal Love chapel, he chose the romantic option.

The oven dings and alerts me our dinner is ready so I say goodbye and promise to keep that date, in four weeks time, free.

Edward follows his nose when I take our dinner out and start serving it up.

"Jake and Renesmee are having a baby and getting married in the Garden Room on December 12th" I say, hoping the envy is not showing in my tone.

"That's great news. What will we buy them for a wedding present?"

"Gee, Edward, you already bought him a house and a business, whats left?"

He laughs and reaches over and rubs my hand.

"I was thinking maybe a music center or a flat screen, not anything extravagant " he says.

People who grow up with money just think differently. I had been thinking a blender or some nice towels. Edward would think a flat screen was a normal wedding gift.

"At least they have their nice house to go home to, once his course is over. He finishes just before the baby is due so they are hoping to have it at Forks Hospital. Carlisle may deliver it."

"Bella, do I detect some envy here? Do you want us to buy a house?"

Well, he picked up on one of the three.

"I do want a house. A nice, small, simple house though, not some enormous monstrosity I will spend all day cleaning."

"You could have a cleaner. And a housekeeper."

"Edward, I don't know. You just think differently to me. I want a cosy cottage we can live in together with no strangers washing the floors or cleaning the windows. I want something pretty and cute and old fashioned, something small enough for us to maintain ourselves. Could you ever be happy in that type of home?"

"Of course I could. Any place we live together, is home to me. You can choose everything. Start looking."

I am so excited at his words.

Now I have something to look forward to, as well as Rose and Jake.

"Where do you want to live? Should we move back to Forks and be near our folks? Do you like the city? I think a suburb on the outer limits?"

Edward is suddenly beside me, cradling my face in his hands, kissing my cheek.

"Whatever you want, love. I will live wherever you prefer. I can teach at Forks High if that's what you want. I want what you want."

I fling myself into his arms and kiss him soundly. I could not love him more than I already do, logically, but somehow my heart seems to expand day by day and fill with more love for him.

We hand the baby and her luggage over to a thrilled Alice, who seems even more hyper than usual.

I offer to unpack Gabriella's clothes into the spare drawers Alice has kept for her so I can always have some of her things here.

"No, don't, its fine. You go." she says hastily.

I feel like I am missing something.

The drive is nice, quiet without the baby's babbling, but enjoyable to just be a couple again.

Edward is smiling and no doubt already planning which lingerie goes with my boots. I can hardly wait to see what he has packed. I hope there are a few real outfits so we can go out to dinner, at least.

The cottage is gorgeous. The countryside is lush and green and reminds me of Forks. I suddenly know that is where I want to raise Gabriella. I want her safe in the country, away from the madness of the city. I want her to know her grandparents because she sees them three times a week not three times a year. I want to go home.

Edward carries our bags inside and I follow, looking all around at the pretty garden. Wildflowers abound and I sigh. So close.

The cottage has a large open plan bedroom upstairs, taking up the entire floor. The bathroom is incorporated in the bedroom, but as we will be here alone, its fine.

The dormer windows overlook the back garden and I sigh at how pretty it is here and start to plan what I want our cottage to be like. I will start drawing plans when we get back. Downstairs is the kitchen with eat in table, a small dining room, a large cosy loungeroom with an open fireplace and a big sofa and a bedroom and powder room.

Edward has dinner set up already from the bags of chinese takeaway he stopped and bought on the way so we have a relaxed dinner with chopsticks and falling food and I resort to a fork.

The room is dimly lit and cosy and I long to curl up on the large, overstuffed sofa with Edward and just be in his arms for a while.

I am about to stand up when he is beside me.

"Bella, we never did this bit, and I regret that."

He gets down onto one knee and opens a small velvet box that holds a gorgeous antique engagement ring.

"Bella, will you do me the great honor of being my wife for eternity?"

I feel the tears start to flow down my cheeks and he leans in and kisses them away.

"Yes, I will, Edward."

He removes the small gold twisted wedding band he put on my finger that night at the chapel, and replaces it with my engagement ring.

"Um, aren't you forgetting something? My wedding ring? Could you put it back on me ,please."

He smirks and replaces it on my finger and kisses both rings.

I stand and kiss him with all the passion I feel inside at this moment and we walk upstairs. maybe we can do the sofa snuggling tomorrow night.

Our lovemaking is slow and gentle and he doesn't even suggest I dress in anything for it. Its just us, naked, together in each others embrace. Its perfect. The shower sex that follows is more frantic, but in the end, we collapse on the bed and cuddle up to sleep.

Edward wakes me in the morning by putting his mouth on me and licking me gently and slowly until I come apart on his tongue and I pull him back up and grind myself against his erection so he slides inside me. I want this day to go on forever. It is just so good to be a couple and not have anyone else to worry about for these two days. We must do this often. I don't ever want to risk losing our connection.

After breakfast which sees me teaching Edward how to make french toast, we go for a walk and the countryside is beautiful. We find a country pub and have a leisurely lunch and then Edward looks at his watch and urges me back to the cottage. Must be time for our next scheduled lovemaking.

To my confusion, Alice is sitting on the sofa and she stands and kisses me as we walk in.

"Is everything okay? Is Gabriella.."

"She is with her Uncle Jasper and her cousin JJ. Everything is fine. I just wanted to show you something."

She opens the suitbag lying beside her and there is my pink, lace wedding dress we drew that day.

"Alice, its gorgeous. But why did you bring it here today?"

"Because, love, today is our wedding day" says Edward, arms around me, lips in my ear.

My jaw drops open.

"Alice is here to get you ready then we are meeting in the meadow next door in an hour."

He kisses me good bye and walks out the door.

"Well, Bella. Surprise. You didn't think Edward would be able to resist anything you want, did you? The moment I told him what you said, he started planning this. You are about to renew your vows in a meadow full of wildflowers, wearing this amazing pink dress and the perfect shoes, which you are lucky I insisted on buying. Now, the hair? He says it has to be down, he wants it fairly natural. Lets see what will be best. Rose!"

Out of the spare bedroom walks Rose complete with beauty case and hair straightener and other instruments of torture and before I know it, I am painted with a light layer of make up, my hair is loose down my back with curly tendrils around my face, and pretty pink and white tiny flowers threaded trough pink ribbon woven through the hair on the top of my head. Even I can see I look beautiful and I start to cry.

"No, no tears. That make up is supposed to be waterproof but we cannot put it to the test this close to the walk down the aisle" orders Alice.

She and Rose are wearing soft burgundy full length matching dresses and they walk on either side of me as I clutch my duplicated bouquet and walk towards my Edward.

Jasper hands a pink and frilly Gabriella to Alice as she and Rose preceed me down the aisle. Gabriella throws rose petals in their wake, and tries to eat a few as well.

Charlie offers me his arm and I look up in surprise to see Carlisle Esme, Renee and Phil,Jake and Renesmme, all our dearest friends standing watching me.

But my eyes go to the beautiful man in the black suit and pale pink shirt that stands at the end of the aisle, amongst the wildflowers, under an arch covered in white flowering creeper. His face is lit up with a smile that could save the world. His emerald eyes never waver as I slowly walk towards him and he opens his arms and embraces me , quickly kissing my mouth before letting me stand beside him to face the celebrant.

His vows are simple and from the heart.

"My Bella, I take you to be my eternal love. To be with you in times of sorrow and times of joy. To love and cherish you above all others forever. To love what I know about you, and learn what I don't. To always be there when you need me. To accept and forgive your mistakes as I hope you will accept and forgive mine. I love you more today than the day I married you even though that seems impossible and I will love you even more in the tomorrows of our life together. I thank you for your gift of your love and of the gift of our daughter and any future children we may be blessed with. Thank you for your faith in me, for waiting for me to see the truth , for accepting me flawed as I am. I promise to love you forever."

I try to reign in the tears as I know Alice is watching me closely but theres no stopping them.

I face my husband as he holds my hands in his.

"I love you, Edward, with all my heart and soul. I promise to always be there for you, and to love and forgive you, and cherish you forver."

I wish I had thought to write something but I am pulled into his embrace and he whispers in my ear "That was perfect, all I needed to hear."

The celebrant coughs and we pull apart while a tiny, staggering JJ in a minature tux walks towards us , holding Jaspers hand and a tiny pillow that holds two wedding rings. I frown slightly and look at Edward.

"New vows, new start, new rings."

He takes my wedding ring off me and slides it onto my right hand and then Jasper unties my new wedding ring, an intricate gold band made from series of interlinked hearts. Its perfect.

Jasper hands me Edwards new ring, it is plain gold but engraved with "Edward and Bella. Eternal Love". I remove his old band and place it on his right hand finger then put his new ring in place.

Finally we are told we may kiss and for several minutes, all that exists in the universe is the beautiful man who has lifted me from the ground to his lips as he twirls us slowly in a full circle and everyone sighs and claps.

Edward and Bella. Together for eternity.

**Huh, see, I can write fluff! Please review.**


	20. Chapter 20

The Wedding

Chapter 20

The Honeymoon.

BPOV

I think I have shed more tears of joy today than in the rest of my entire life. I have been passed from one set of arms to another, then another. I have been kissed and hugged and seen tears of joy on the faces of my friends and family.

I have had my perfect wedding.

The reception was held in a large marquee set up in the adjoining field and we all ate and drank and laughed and shook our heads in amazement that this day ever came.

So many hurdles and bumps along the way.

So much we learned and accepted, so much more to learn as we grow together.

A dream daughter, so precious and beautiful.

Her curls bob and shake as she dances with Jacob, then Jasper, until everyone has had their legs grasped and her little face looking up to theirs "Dance." she demands.

Edward pulls me onto the dancefloor and swirls us around like a ballroom dancing pro.

I guess it is all in the leading.

I think about his vows and wonder, is it truly possible that our love will grow and increase over time? It doesn't seem possible, that human hearts can expand that much.

We finally leave and run back to the cottage and shut the door as everyone drives back to wherever they are staying the night.

Nobody is staying here with us, Edward informs me. Not even our daughter.

I am happy with that, it means we can..make all the noise we want to..well, I know it's usually me, but I want to be free and uninhibited and having the whole cottage to ourselves ensures this.

Edward peels my pink dress from my body and hangs it up from the curtain rail.

I touch it and smile. The perfect wedding dress.

The perfect shoes rest on the floor below the dress.

The perfect bra and panties are lost somewhere, tossed away by a hand with long, slim, clever fingers.

I lay on the bed and watch him undress himself.

I like watching Edward go from elegant and stylish to naked.

Naked is my favorite look on him.

I remember suddenly its time to take my Pill and reach into the washbag beside the bed.

Edward walks over and takes the circular container from my hand.

"I think it's time these went" he says, and my heart starts to sing.

He is giving me a baby? A honeymoon baby?

"Edward" I cry out in emotion, covering my eyes as the tears start.

He sits beside me, the sound of the toilet flushing the pills away.

"I want, what you want. I want another pregnancy. I want another baby. I want to be an expectant father. I want to wake in the night and feel my child kick from inside the only woman I have ever loved. I want to watch your belly swell and grow and house our little baby. I have no preference for a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby I made with you."

He kisses my mouth as I blubber and choke on my tears.

He sits with has back against the headboard and pulls me so I straddle his legs and he enters me as I sit facing him, our bodies close, our eyes gazing into each others, our lips meeting and parting again when the need for air wins over the need to connect as closely as we can.

Edward rocks us, his hands palming all over my back, bringing me closer to him, and he makes me want to stay like this forever.

How can one man be so perfect? We fit together like puzzle pieces, we are meant to be like this, always connected, always together.

Why did we ever fight it?

I start to feel myself tense and tighten and Edward strokes my face with his hand.

"Yes, baby, yes, just go with it, just come with me." and we explode together.

Edward keeps rocking us and he places a hand on my stomach.

"Hello, little baby. Your sister is going to lead you a merry dance but she will love you, and we already love you."

"Edward, there cannot be a baby in there yet. I have to get the hormones out of my system first."

"Never bet against Alice" he mock warns me.

"She told me, she and Jasper are conceiving tonight, and we are too. I can't argue with her."

The rest of the night, Edward wakes me regularly to have 'backup sex' to ensure the conception takes place.

I just hope we only fertilize the one egg.

Finally he lets me sleep and its noon by the time we wake up.

Edward's lips are on my neck as I open my eyes, holding an arm up to keep the sunshine out of them.

"What time is it?" I ask.

"Time to make sure we have a little baby in there" he says in his sexy velvet voice.

"Edward, I fear there may be a dozen in there already."

"What's one more then?"

He is inside me before I come up with a logical answer.

"A baker's dozen?" I answer finally. and he chuckles at me.

"I refuse to have more than fourteen children, Bella, no matter how much you beg and plead with me."

"Fourteen's good." I answer.

I hope the universe is ignoring this sill talk as four would be my limit, I think.

We spend the whole week making sure conception has occurred, wandering around the countryside, making love under the stars and even the full sun, as Edward assures me nobody will come this way and see us as we roll around in the meadow we were married in. Its warm enough at midday to be naked outside, so I relax and let my sexy husband have his way.

I hope we don't squash any butterflies or have a bee bite us somewhere telling.

Then, the last day dawns and we have to leave and go back to real life and our daughter. "Edward, where are we going on our family get away?"

"Forks. I know you want to live there. We are going to see the land I inherited and see if you like it enough to build our cottage there. Don't forget, it can be as pretty and sweet and old fashioned as you want, but our fourteen children all need bedrooms and bathrooms."

"I downgraded to four children" I tell him and he grins.

"Four it is. I like four. I was worried if we had fourteen, I would forget their names."

"What are we naming this one, then?" I ask as I touch my supposedly pregnant belly.

"How about Petal for a girl seeing she was conceived amongst the petals?" he says.

"And a boy?" I ask.

"You can choose a boys name. I will name the girls and you the boys."

"Hmm, Brad Pitt Cullen or Johnny Depp Cullen? How do I decide?"

"Okay, I will name the boys as well as the girls" he amends his earlier answer.

"Kellan" he suggests.

"Kellan Cullen. Very funny."

"Alistair"

"Oh I like that. Alistair Cullen. Nice."

"Brady, Brandon, Conrad, Carter,Dane, Declan, Darius,Edan..no, scrap that."

"Brandon Cullen. Brady Cullen. Brandon Edward Cullen. Done."

"So, Petal Isabella Cullen or Brandon Edward Cullen? Are you sure?"

"Yep. You can explain to our daughter why she has that name."

"I shall tell her, it is because she is beautiful like a flower."

"Or the flowers we crushed to conceive her."

"What names have Alice and Jasper reserved. We can't pinch any of Alice's names ."

"She didn't care to share so first in, first choice."

"Well, we will have to wait and see who conceives fiirst."

"We did, she would have been up all night with screaming babies all this week. We win."

EPOV

I laughed with glee when the smiley face appeared on the pregnancy testing stick.

"Oh just wait. Alice is going to kill us!"

"Positive?" asks Bella, her eyes tightly closed.

"Positive, love. A honeymoon baby."

Just as I had laughingly guessed, Alice and Jasper had a bad week while we were busy conceiving and she doesn't think their one attempt will have been a success.

"You planned that, Edward. Leaving us with two restless brats. You knew we would be too tired to compete."

"Sorry, sis. Maybe next month."

As it turned out, they were cleverer than we thought and Alice bounced through our door three days later with her own smiley face stick.

"So, Edward, never bet against me. I told you so."

"Well done, you two. All that hard work paid off."

"Smartass."

So, who ever would have thought having three pregnant women in the one town was a good idea? They fought over names, baby clothes, nursery decorations, cribs, diapers, cloth or disposable?

Jasper, Emmett and I were ready for a testosterone top up as the bellies grew and the feet ached and the midnight ice cream and pickles runs materialized.

I loved it. I loved every single second of every single day. Bella grew at a much faster rate than Alice, so that was discussed and theorized and googled. The first scan revealed why.

Twins. Two little jellybean babies with two little heartbeats.

"Edward, what are we going to do?" panicked my love.

"We can cope. The cottage will be finished in another month, we will be home, living near my mom, she will be ready and willing to take on nanny duties. Or you could have a housekeeper. And a fulltime nanny. And whatever else you want."

"We have to build guest quarters onto our cottage." she pleaded.

"For..?"

"The housekeeper and the nanny. They need their own rooms."

"I am glad you are seeing things my way, my love. Two babies plus one jealous toddler, you will need help."

Alice's scan revealed a single fetus but with her history of JJ's premature entry into the world, I don't think she would have handled a twin pregnancy,

Rose gave birth to a ten pound boy and got the other two worked up and impatient to have their own babies soon.

We visited every day and passed around Emmett's clone child and I for one , was relieved it was a boy, because Emmett would not make a very attractive woman.

"Dane Emmett" he was named and I saw Alice's face drop a little. She was being secretive about her names, but I had a feeling Dane was high on the boys list.

The move back to Forks was bittersweet, but it was a new beginning and my new teaching role at my old high school excited me. I wanted to walk down those halls again. I may not have gotten the girl at high school, but I sure have her now. Don't give up, lads. Never give up. It can happen.

My father delivered our son, Brandon Edward, seven pounds, followed by our second daughter, Marie Isabella, nicknamed Petal, six pounds four ounces. Bella chickened out in the last minute and refused to give her a name she may hate, so we used the conventional official name and the pretty but rare nickname and agreed, if she wanted, she could change it to Petal officially when she was a teenager.

Alice produced her daughter, Alicia Jasmine, three days later. Just as she had predicted. Full term, eight pounds one ounce.

The grandparents were ecstatic and buzzed around with little pink and blue gifts and I was glad when we got home into our new cottage and it was just us.

Brandon and Petal seemed to calm each other when they were laid together in the one crib so during the day, Bella left them like that. The nanny earned her keep and the housekeeper was always ready to 'hold a little'un', being a mother of five and grandmother of two. She adored the twins and we somehow survived the early days and nights, in a blur of feedings and changings and trying to make sure Gabriella got enough attention.

She was not thrilled at the two new interlopers.

"Not like" she would scream and arch her back when I would lift her to see her siblings.

"Well, they like you and you will have to learn to accept them, Missy, because they are here to stay."

She warmed a little once they became more active and she loved her role as big sister by the time they began to walk. She wasn't above pushing them over if they took her toys and she would hold her hands over her eyes, when Bella caught her, as if she thought if she couldn't see Bella, Bella couldn't see her either.

She would hand out cookies to them, and smile at her mother, and once she was praised, she would snatch them back and stuff them in her own mouth, leaving two crying babies for her mom to comfort.

Life was just so full and intense, it was a relief to drop into our bed at night and just hold on to one another and congratulate ourselves on surviving another day.

"Can I downgrade to three?" asked my exhausted wife, I had to agree. I think our plate is full.

Rose had three sons in quick succession, Damien and Max followed Dane, and Alice and Jasper stopped at two, cowards that they are. They were all back in Forks by this time so our days were all centered around the children and our nights were centered around us, as a couple. Bella was very strict about bedtime meaning bedtime and the nanny was only allowed to check on them and settle them down again, no drinks or stories or excuses. Sickness was the only acceptable change to their routine.

I loved my job. I loved watching the preteens change and grow and become young adults. I loved the ones who were eager to learn and I despaired at the ones who thought school was a jail and a punishment, something to escape as soon as possible. I tried to make their classes as challenging and interesting as possible and not the same boring stuff we were forced to learn. I wanted them to think, solve, explore, come up with solutions unique to themselves.

Some made the grade, some fell by the wayside, but that is the way it is. You can't teach someone who refuses to learn.

Going home each afternoon was a joy. My cheering squad would all cry "Daddy" and race to see who could grab me around the knees first. My Bella would just sit and smile and remind me,

"Hey, Edward, eleven to go, get used to it!"

We sponsored eleven children in the poorest countries to make up the shortfall, and it did feel good knowing we had our fourteen children, in one way or another. Their photos were displayed along side the three we were raising. Seven boys, seven girls. Our three knew all their names and ages and on their birthdays, we always had a cake here at home, and hoped our money was changing their lives. I insisted they all be educated as long as possible in the countries they lived in, as to me, education is the key to changing a person's world and these kids needed hope.

Bella only worked part time from home, her career seemed to fade into something she didn't care a lot about once the house was filled with children, and she was happy with just being a mom. She thought she may get a 'proper' job once all three started school, but our second son Masen put a halt to those plans by announcing he was on the way the very day Bella took the twins for their first day at school. She was a little teary at leaving them but by the time she got home, Alice had to open the door and stand out of her way as she rushed to the bathroom and lost her breakfast.

"No, Alice' she screamed when Alice, ever prepared and all knowing, handed her a stick to pee on.

"No, Edward and I need some time to be us again. We just got the three monsters into school."

I came home that night, after my sister tipped me off, and handed Bella a bunch of pink rosebuds with white babysbreath and hugged her tightly.

"Looks like we were wrong, love. Fifteen after all."

I kissed the top of her head and she dissolved into tears and hugged me back.

"We can do fifteen, right?"

"Of course we can" I assured her.

She actually enjoyed that pregnancy the most of all of them and the baby was a serene, happy little soul from the start and Alice and Rose both changed their minds, and by Christmas, Rose had a baby girl,Emma, to dress in pink and Alice had a new baby boy,Joel, fullterm and perfect.

Baby days were back!

We enjoyed our last minute babies and in time, they grew and went to school and we had the time to ourselves that we had craved.

They grow so fast, and you can never get those days back.

Our tenth wedding anniversary was like a big milestone and our twentieth simply confirmed what I always knew.

Bella and I were always meant to be together.

The End

xxxxSee, more fluff...something to rest your brains while you try and puzzle out the truth in Bella Swan FBI Babysitter chapter 4...I will be back after this weekend, (Friday here today)..to see who works that one


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